Bachelorette Recap: Week 7, Hometowns

Marcus bachelorette

Source: ABC

Week seven is in the books folks, and oh what a week it was. Hometown dates always offer a great amount of content that is just generally ridiculous — albeit apparently not as ridiculous as what happens in the fantasy suite next week (wink, wink). Yes, Nick, Chris, Josh, and Marcus all got to show off Andi to their mothers and fathers and, in Nick’s case, his sister, sister, brother, sister, brother, brother, sister, sis…I’m exhausted already, let’s get to it.

Nick’s hometown date with Andi was first on the docket, and he got to show her all that Milwaukee has to offer — spoiler alert: it’s not an active culture. Nick’s day-date with Andi was seemingly pretty bland. He took Andi to a brewery and they drank beer and danced to polka, which resulted in Andi’s first De Niro face of the episode.

Andi Dorfman

Source: ABC

After drinking and dancing, Nick took Andi to meet his family, and boy, do Nick’s mom and dad love to procreate. Nick has ten siblings, which isn’t overwhelming at all. In fact it was so not overwhelming, that Andi totally didn’t whip out her De Niro face for almost the entire dinner. At one point during the date, Nick’s younger sister, Bella, took Andi aside to ask her a few questions about her and Nick. After a few mundane questions, Bella dropped a bomb on Andi, asking if she loved her brother. Andi replied that she thought Nick was amazing, and generally dodged the question. But what happened next was nothing short of a Usual Suspect’s plot twist: Bella was a spy for Nick all along, and not only was she playing espionage with Andi, but she is also the worst spy ever. Bella couldn’t remember the answers to any of the questions she asked, and she also led Nick astray by telling him that Andi said she loved him, only to take the rug out from under him by saying that Andi actually said she just “liked” him. All of this leads me to believe that Bella is not just a spy, but in fact, a double agent. Well played Bella, you’re a regular spook.

chris bachelorette

Farmer Chris
Source:ABC

Chris’s hometown date was next on the docket and it took Andi to Arlington, Iowa, which generally looks like you’re driving on i-70 west. Chris showed Andi his home, and gave her a speech almost straight from the Lion King, saying something along the lines of “Everything the light touches is mine.” Chris then did what any responsible farmer would do, and took Andi out on his big green tractor. Andi seemed excited, and I wish Chris had said something along the lines of, “that’s great because we have to do this for the next 4-6 hours,” but he didn’t. Instead, Chris had Andi hop on his lap and let her drive.

After their tractor ride, Chris and Andi had a picnic in the freshly plowed field, which I’m sure was great for Andi’s already atrocious allergies. Chris then told Andi about all the opportunity (singular) there is in Arlington, when he said, “There’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” Oh wow Chris, a homemaker? Where do I sign up for that? Are there recruiters for this heavily sought after profession? Needless to say Andi did not look pleased. Andi also dropped the bomb on Chris that she’s not just a city girl, saying, “I was born in the city, but I moved to the suburbs.” Well slap a pair of overalls on that girl, and give her a fiddle, we got ourselves a suburbs girl!

Chris’s family was easily the best of the bunch. His sisters seemed to genuinely care about him, and his mom seemingly had 4-5 glasses of wine, and got a little goofy. They ended the night with the traditional game of “Ghost in The Graveyard,” and I have no idea how anyone found Chris and Andi with all of those cameras following them around, but low and behold, they did.

Josh’s date was in Tampa, Florida, where he took Andi to play two person baseball. Which is kind of like watching one person play ping pong, or probably how a dog feels whenever it plays fetch.

bachelorette

Aaron Murray makes his Bachelorette debut
Source:ABC

Josh’s date seemed to revolve around 5th round draft pick, Aaron Murray (Josh’s brother) and why the hell should it not? Andi however was worried that the family wouldn’t show the proper amount of excitement toward Josh on his big day. I mean sure making it to the NFL is an incredibly difficult feat to achieve, but last time I checked, quarterbacks grew on trees. Josh on the other hand, is bringing a girl home. And not just any girl, but a girl who is also dating four other guys. Take that Aaron. You can take your Kansas City Chiefs interview and shove right up your NFL bound keyster. At the end of the date, the Murray family played football in a space roughly the size of a large hot tub.

Marcus had the final hometown date, and what did “I love you” Marcus do? He took Andi to a strip club and bared almost all of it for her. Not a lot happened on Marcus’ hometown except Marcus’ mother calling Andi “bewful” a few times — someone call Juan Pablo.

I’m choosing to ignore the whole Eric thing, as I think they’ve pretty much squeezed that orange dry.

At the rose ceremony Andi had a meltdown and had to run out of the room, and be consoled by Chris Harrison, lurking in the shadows. In the end Andi said goodbye to Marcus, who, in the limo ride home, said, “I shouldn’t have told her I loved her,” echoing fan sentiment.

Next week the three remaining guys head off to get lai…the Dominican Republic.

 

 

 

 

Bachelorette Recap: Week 6

The Bachelorette

Source: ABC

I apologize for the lack of a recap last week, as I apparently suffered some ill-advised head trauma. Let’s be serious though, the only thing of note last week was the guy administering the lie-detector test asking, “Have you eva faht in pooblic?” It was easily the funniest moment in the show’s history. Proving that fart humor still holds water. Enough talk about last week’s yawner, let’s get into last night’s episode.

 

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Marcus looks like a deer in headlights most days Source: ABC

This week’s episode took the “sweet six” — Andi’s words, not mine — to Brussels, Belgium, which is oddly coincidental as the U.S. takes on Belgium in the World Cup knock out round tomorrow. #IBelieve…ABCrunstheworld. As the men gathered in their hotel rooms two questions were brought up: 1. Who fired Chris Harrison’s wardrobe monkey? and 2. When did the man-scarf become acceptable?

Marcus got the first date card, and he and Andi went around and ate mussels in Brussels — omg too cute. I’d equate Marcus to Lenny from Of Mice and Men, except instead of crushing a mouse with his large, oversized hands, he’s smothering Andi with “I love yous” and “I’m falling in love with you.” I will go out on a limb and say that both Marcus and Lenny might share the same IQ. Marcus even admitted that the date was the first time Andi actually “felt like his girlfriend,” however that didn’t stop him from using  the L-bomb as liberally as Mel Gibson uses  the word “Jew.” Marcus’ conversation about his dad resulted in Andi’s first De Niro face (see picture). After the dinner we got a full display of just how miserable Andi looks while kissing. She has a way of making dudes look like pythons devouring small bird, and it’s just generally uncomfortable.

Andi Dorfman

Andi’s first De Niro face of the night Source: ABC

The next date card prompted Dylan to say, “You girls ready?” and that was when you knew he wasn’t going to make it through. Josh got the next date, BUT FIRST smug Nick decided to “make a move.” Nick, being the cunningly clever man that he is, went down to the lobby and pulled the old “I lost my room key, but the room is under my ‘wife’s name,'” That was so sneaky, I don’t even know how he hid those cameras from the concierge, nor do I know how she had that room key made within five seconds. The only plausible explanation I can come up with is that was the most bullshit scene ever. Not only was Nick the most unsteady conman since Michael J Fox, but that hotel employee would lose her job if she ever did that with a regular customer. After slick Nick got a hold of Andi they wondered around the streets of Brussels until they finally made out to the “Out of Africa” soundtrack.

Josh M got the second one-on-one date, and he made some moves. Josh is definitely this season’s Brooks, except I don’t think he’s going to bitch out in the end. Keep an eye on Josh’s shirt buttons, because I’m pretty sure he has to unbutton one each hour or he loses his slight southern accent. Can we also talk about Josh’s title as “Former Pro Baseball Player?” I just realized I have no idea what Josh does. If I walked around telling people that for a living a was a “former high school student” I think it would merit a few odd looks, so what in the world does Josh do now? My money’s on professional shirt unbuttoner.

nick v bachelorette

Nick is just the smuggest(?) smuggiest? Source: ABC

The group date was even more lackluster than the rest of the show. The guys went to some ancient ruins and then to a sacred “no kissing” temple. I’m not really sure who instituted the no kissing rule, but it sounds made up. Chris and Andi had a nice moment where they made clay pots. It was kind of like the movie, “Ghost,” but more 4th gradish. In the end smug Nick got the rose, and was oh so smug about it. When Nick returned the Bachelorette was able to produce an overly long awkward silence, which ironically was broken by awkward Brian.

The cocktail party went on without a hitch except for when smug Nick took awkward Brian’s time with Andi, which was generally a dick move, but at this point what can we really expect from Nick? Something tells me he didn’t have many friends in college.

In the end it was awkward Brian and Patrick Bateman Dylan who got the axe (so to speak). Brian had to best exit when he goes, “Great, just great. They’re laughing, that’s what I want to hear.”

Next week is hometowns, and here’s to hoping that it isn’t as dull as this last episode.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

andi dorfman

Source: ABC

Week 2 is in the books and we saw Libby’s prized stead go down! But first let’s get to the episode:

Chris Harrison gave his preliminary talk to Andi, asking if she was ready for the week ahead. Does anyone else feel like Chris Harrison’s theme song this season should be Biz Markie’s “Just A Friend.” He seems especially awkward this year around Andi, almost like he’s finally realizing he’s divorced and aging, and no one seems to like his shirts.

Andi’s first date was with Eric and they showcased a fantastic California clichè: “Braaa, in what other state can I go get my beach-chill on and shred my gnar gnar snowboarding in the same day?” We get it California…we get it. After Louie Vito got all handsy on Andi, Eric showcased his snowboarding ability, and how he is a great guy which consequently got him a rose. Congratulations ABC, you’ve succeeded in creating some of the hardest television to watch. First off, it is a shame Eric died. He seems like a genuinely terrific person. I get what ABC was doing when it decided to keep his scenes and “make this season a tribute to him,” but come on. When the guy starts talking about how he has a few exciting things he wants to mark off his bucket list, how many people watching wanted to go all Michael Scott, grab him and yell, “Don’t do it! For God-sake’s don’t!”

Following Eric’s date came a fantastic group date for so many reasons. We’ll get to “Mr. Fireball” Craig in a minute, but first let’s break down the male strippers erotic dancers. First of all I love that Cody — who looks remarkably like a douchier Sean Lowe — stuffed his package to impress Andi, but also had the foresight to “not make it unrealistic.” After a contestant bared his goat for Andi, Chris Harrison once again delivered a fantastic moment when he “reluctantly” (and I use that word loosely) spanked one of the contestants, and that’s why he’s the host. Basketball coach and teacher, Brian then told Andi during a one-on-one session that he was nervous but hopes he made his kids proud. Yes Brian, I’m sure you made your kids proud by taking off all your clothes and turning in an 18+ performance for the night. In fact why don’t you go put that on your resumé right now, I’m sure a ton of schools would love to invite that lawsuit.

craig bachelorette

Source: ABC

Ohhh Craig. Craig, Craig, Craig. Where to start. First of all, to the dude who was giving Craig shit for ripping shots before the strip show, he can go back to the vegan party he came from. If I’m going to go out and strip for a group of rowdy females, you better believe I’m gonna down some liquid courage before hand. Granted maybe Craig should have slowed down his crusade of binge drinking, but at least he wasn’t an asshole. In fact, I would say he was one of the most friendly people on the date, especially when he was talking about his man-crush Josh M. The best part though, came when Craig AMA’d Andi and lead with, “What do you like least about your parents?” I can only imagine what would have happened had Andi turned it around on Craig. I’m pretty sure would’ve seen some sort of rendition of Craig doing his best impersonation of “Drunk Uncle,” followed by him crying in Andi’s lap.

The next day Andi went on a date with Chris, who is quite possibly my favorite contestant to ever grace the show. During their date Andi and Chris went to a horse racing track that even ABC couldn’t doll up. Instead of a classed up place like Keeneland, they got Scioto Downs on a Thursday afternoon, complete with a bunch of background riff-raff and a kid playing with his grandma’s walker. Chris and Andi took their seats next to the only other couple not dressed in jorts and beaters, who completely ignored the cameras and asked them how long they had been dating…coughplantedcouplecough.

The date concluded with Chris and Andi dancing to the obligatory acoustic band that no one has heard of, even though Chris probably said something like, “I can’t even believe I’m here. Dancing with the woman of my dreams, and having This Wild Life play a private show for us.”

"I'm not a jock, but check out my mean stiff-arm"

“I’m not a jock, but check out my mean stiff-arm” Source: ABC

Cocktail Party Quick Slants: Josh M had a fantastic boob glance right when Andi walked in. No part of it was subtle. Surprise, surprise, Bradley sung opera at Andi. I’ve decided singing opera for a single person is up there with demonstrating your MC skills for someone, it’s just loud, in your face, and really, who cares? (Unless your Juan Pablo, but let’s be serious I’m pretty sure he just wanted to see how wide Sharleen could open her mouth.) What would Andi do if Craig sang out of tune? Would she stand up and tell him he’s a drunk? Hey Craig, I bet I can guess what your parents like least about you…and Josh M showed Andi his stiff-arm.

Nick S, Craig, and Carl were all eliminated last night, and Andi delivered her first BS of the season telling Craig, “I respect you so much.” Yeah, and I enjoy licking sand paper. You better believe Craig was doing shots all the way to the airport while talking about his stupid parents.

The Bachelorette 2014: Episode 1 Recap

andi dorfman


Source: Si.ibtimes.com

And they’re off! The Bachelorette 2014 is officially underway which means Chris Harrison is back with atrocious shirts, a lot of men will be crying in the near future, and someone will ultimately end up looking disappointed on the cover of People Magazine. This season stars Andi Dorfman as The Bachelorette. As far as I can tell, Andi spends her time in Atlanta as a broken fence inspector and a street graffiti judge. She then moonlights as a lawyer wherever she can find an empty courtroom. A little background on AD: She attended Wake Forest University Law School, passed the bar in 2012, and what does our girl Andi do with that seemingly expensive law degree? She throws it right into a brown box of of storage where it belongs. Why? Because she’s The Bachelorette betches!

After Andi  goes to her biannual family blue shirt party, we get to meet her sister where Andi delivers her first gem of the season saying, “I don’t know what I did for 25 guys to fly across the country and meet me.” Apparently the BAR must be a little easier in Atlanta…

The next few segments were spent on what seemed like 18 limos carrying the guys who will spend the next 6 weeks courting Andi. Here’s some quit slants on the arrivals: Marcus emerged first, and Andi went all Juan Pablo on this young piece of ace, saying, “he’s hot. Hot. Hotttt. He’s just…well done ABC.” Chris, the Midwestern, Iowa farm boy followed Marcus. I am just going to assume that Chris is going to be an overall nice guy  and everyone will love him, however Andi will instead go for a brooding bad boy with a sketchy past because she likes mysteries and broken fences. JJ, our first unemployed contestant followed Chris. Sorry did I say unemployed, I meant entrepreneur. Wait, sorry, I meant pantsapreneur, because that’s definitely a thing, in fact, I think The Wharton Business School just added that as a focus.

Our first token black guy emerged and he has a striking resemblance to comedian Hannibal Buress. Marquel is his name, and cookies are his game. I think the creators of Sesame Street were just given the gift of Cookie Monster’s origin story: Once he was just an ordinary man who loved cookies. Marquel then had his heart broken, turned into a furry blue creature, fiending after the only other thing that could satisfy his cold heart.

Bachelorette lamp

Source: ABC

Our first ambiguously gay contestant followed the Cookie Monster. Tasos is his actual name but I’m pretty sure I’m going to call him Chacos for the remainder of the season.

Resident douche in the house: He’s Cody y’all, and he pushed that limo all the way from popped-blazer-collar town. Skipping over Rudie aka funny-man attorney, the next contestant of note was long hair -urgent care physician Jason. Here’s to hoping he never goes into pediatrics because he has “arrest me” written all over him. I’m gonna skip to the guy who had the best opening line ever and should’ve just won the game. Emil approached Andi and goes, “Hi I’m Emil.” Andi leans in like she didn’t hear him and he goes, “It’s like anal but with an ‘M,'” like he’s been saying that on the first day of class for the better part of his life. Give that guys a medal. The rest of the contestants read: long hair don’t care, bball coach, pro golfer, pro baseball player, token black guy #2, another long haired contestant with a laugh that would harmonize with Seth Rogen’s,  and what’s this? A stalker outside the house.

The stalker was nothing more than a former contestant from Emily’s season. I can only speculate that the whole thing was a ploy to give Chris Harrison a medium to perform the best white-guy handshake/hug in the history of television.

Right off the bat a love story blossomed during the cocktail party. Yes, soul mates Andrew and Patrick really hit it off saying things like, “Me and Patrick, we’re kind of on a different level,” and “Ohh, you’re a Ferrari guy?” I can’t wait for their hot tub bro sesh, where they take off their pants and make out because “we’re just super comfortable with each other, and are both into Formula 1 racing.”

Post cocktail party and rose ceremony, Josh B had a nice angsty teen exit that came off like, “This sucks, I didn’t even wanna be here.” Followed by tears, which makes me think he cried a lot in gym class as a kid.

Here are the picks for our lavish group. The field is a lot more diverse with $90 in the pot, and the least amount of money someone would take home would be $22.50. A few people are also able to win the whole $90. Let the games begin.

Amanda – Nick V

Sam – JJ & Chris

Jon – Josh M & Chris

Caitlin – Josh M & Dylan

Dave: Chris & Marcus

Libby – Carl & Nick V

Anjali – Nick V & Andrew

Joey – Marquel & Marcus

Nick – Josh M

Sarah – Chris & Marcus

Field: 9/18