DALLAS, TX — Texas Governor Howard Parker has made a few unpopular decisions in his career. His stance on taxation was argued, as was his take on how to deal with, as he calls it, “the old people problem.” However, most of his criticism comes from various speeches on social issues where he made several far-fetched metaphors.
‘Do I pretend to be an orator? No. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to make metaphor after metaphor,” said Governor Parker.
The criticism of Governor Parker started at an environmental summit meeting when he equated climate change to Tapioca Pudding. Parker said, “It’s moist, it’s messy and it has a bunch of stuff in it that I don’t really understand.”
Governor Parker then tried his hand at another metaphor, this time talking about increasing minimum wage, saying, “Increasing minimum wage is kind of like a monkey at a zoo: He’s in a cage, jumping all around on his little playground. Sometimes he’ll get tired and take a nap, but sometimes he’ll throw his own poop at you. You just have to watch out.”
Much of the public has expressed confusion, and at times, frustration at his metaphorical outbursts, “One time I saw Governor Parker address union busting,” said transit worker Fred Miller, “He equated me to a Bonsai tree that needed to be shaped, pruned, and watered daily.”
Governor Parker’s public image issues came to a head when he tried to tackle his thoughts on homosexuality. “Being gay is kind of like having Polio: you’re tired, you’re lower back might hurt. Are you FDR? No, but you’re certainly not Truman either.”
When asked why he kept making outrageous metaphors that are neither accurate nor coherent, Governor Parker said, “A lot of times people want me to talk about things I don’t know about. In truth, I wanted this job so I could affect cattle taxation laws, and then suddenly they throw carbon emissions and fossil fuel talk at me. I figured it was best to make a metaphor and maybe people would think I was kinda like that Arnold Hemingway guy.”
Governor Parker has since agreed to stop making metaphors or speaking on topics of which he has no authority.