Jesus to have Indiana turn the other cheek, “so I can slap the hell out of it”

Jesus IndianaThe Kingdom of God — In a statement of biblical proportions today, Jesus, Son of God, has said he has had just about enough of Indiana’s new “religious freedom” legislature, and would hope that Indiana governor, Mike Pence, would listen to his plea.

“Indiana, what in my Dad’s name is going on with you,” began the King of the Jews. “You’re claiming ‘religious freedom’ as a way to discriminate against fellow human beings? What’s next? Making it illegal for bi-racial couples to dine out? You don’t see the Jews establishing new legislature making it illegal to have restaurants that serve pulled pork. Come on Hoosiers, you’re better than this!”

The Son of Man continued, “Maybe you all didn’t understand the parts of the Bible where I went out of my way to find the lepers and other outcasted peoples to be with them. I’m talking about spending My time with the real scum of the earth, and you can’t even bring yourself to bake a sugary good for a fellow member of society? What’s your deal?”

The Lamb of God went on to drop more truth bombs, “Look, the Bible was written thousands of years ago, and yeah, there’s a lot of good stuff in it. But I can tell you for Dad damn sure that you people are not following every rule in that massive text. For starters, it outlines where and how you are supposed to poop. I mean, if you all aren’t carrying a spade with you at all times and burying your excrement, then really, what moral high ground do you have to stand on?”

“Let’s pull your head out of your metaphorical behind Indiana. It’s 2015, not the 1400’s. People don’t stone people to death anymore, the witch hunts are over. And if you’re using My name to hault social progress then you better believe I’m gonna come down there and go all 33 A.D. on some people. Use that 21st century brain-power and stop acting like tiny children.”

Jesus then ascended on a cloud while shaking his head muttering the word “morons” over and over again.