Barack Obama Says Presidency is The Best Weight Loss Program Ever

obama weight lossWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama today announced that of all the weight loss programs he’s tried, being president is far away and the most effective.

“Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, hell, even diet supplements can’t hold a flame to being President.”

President Obama has said the recent stress of being president has caused his weight to dramatically drop.

“When I entered office back in 2008, I was pushing 200 lbs, and while I looked good, I wasn’t too proud to take my shirt off. After trying to figure out Tea Party Republicans, the problems in the Middle East, our Immigration policies, and dealing with a miserable approval rating, I can proudly say  that I have lost upwards of 50-60 lbs without even trying,” said President Obama.

President Obama said that while he now has to deal with gray hair, and he can’t keep his right hand from shaking, he feels great anytime he visits a pool.

“And don’t even get me started on my sleep patterns,” said the President. “Michelle can attest, I use to sleep until lunch time. But with my new nighttime terrors — thanks ISIS — you won’t find me getting more than 4-5 hours of sleep, max.”

President Obama says after his presidency is over he intends to try and stay on his presidential weight plan, but doesn’t think it will compare to having both Republicans and Democrats second guessing every move he makes.

“I have a feeling that when I end my presidency, I will probably put some pounds back on, but hopefully with Sasha and Malia entering their teen and college years, I will have just enough pressure to keep me from falling into my old, stress-free ways.”

The President then offered a new, personal motto:

“Can I keep my weight down? Yes. I. Can.”

Obama Revises Motto “Don’t Do Stupid Stuff”

Obama MottoWASHINGTON, DC — President Obama today decided to rescind his new motto, “Don’t do stupid stuff,” and instead decided to go with something a little more forthcoming. “Don’t be a dick,” is the President’s new motto, which he says, is “more applicable” than “don’t do stupid stuff.”

“I thought saying, ‘don’t do stupid stuff,’ would get my point across, but I realized that there was a whole community of people that can’t tell what is and isn’t stupid. Therefore I believe my new ‘don’t be a dick’ motto will be able to reach people across all creeds, classes and cultures,” said President Obama.

The President said that “Don’t be a dick” will be applicable to foreign policy concerns, economic recovery, as well as party goers who take their pants off after three beers.

“If you had a problem with us bringing back Americans with the Ebola virus for treatment, don’t be a dick about it. If it was you, you’d be begging to come home. Hey people bashing my approach on foreign policy, I’m dealing with Ukraine and Russia, all while trying to put out that dumpster fire in the Middle East. Don’t be dicks. Hey guy who just took four shots of Fireball at the bar who’s now leaning on me because he can’t stand on his own two feet. Don’t be a dick. Pull yourself together.”

Michelle Obama has also noticed a change in the President’s behavior around the house.

“One day I saw him eating some Oreo cookies, and I mean really chowing down. Not just three or four, but upwards of 40. So I told him that maybe he should slow down, especially if I’m trying to promote a healthier America. He looked at me and said, ‘Michelle, my approval rating is as low as it’s ever been, the House is literally trying to sue me, and to top it off, Sasha and Malia’s dog pooped in my shoe. Don’t be a dick, and let me eat my Oreos.’

“We’re definitely going to need to have a family meeting soon.”