Oak Broak, Illinois — McDonalds announced today that it would start featuring a new kiosk ordering system that will allow customers to use a touch screen to place their fast food orders. Spokesperson, Ben Lillard, has said customers should not fear the change, as McDonalds promises to still rarely get an order right, and that the machine will be just as unprofessional as its regular employees.
“We’re really excited about our new kiosk ordering system,” said Lillard. “We know that the change will make some of our customers a little uneasy at first, but rest assured, McDonalds has a system in place to make it feel just like a broken home.”
Lillard has said the new Kiosk will have a feature where it mutters softly, “do you want fries with that?” and when you ask it to repeat itself, it will loudly shout at you in a derogatory tone, “I SAID, YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT!?” making you feel like an idiot for not hearing it the first time, while simultaneously ruining the rest of your day.
“We also know our customers have become accustomed to a certain type of McDonalds service, one where if they order a cheeseburger with no pickles, rest assured they will get a patty with nothing but a bun and pickles. We don’t intend for these new kiosks to change a thing about how we do business.”
Lillard also said the new kiosks will occasionally lose orders altogether, causing customers to wait for upwards of 30 minutes, only to find out their order never was taken in the first place.
The new McDonalds kiosks will first take effect in airports.
“We felt that we should introduce our new kiosks into the most dysfunctional McDonalds first, so we know for a fact that we are not losing our incredibly low-end customer service that people crave.”