Former Hipster, Derek Loy, Relapses

Hispter Relapse ASHEVILLE, NC — When we last heard from Derek Loy, he had given up his Hipsterdom and gone back to a more mainstream lifestyle. So when we caught up with him recently, we expected Loy to be gearing up for a fantasy football league, or hanging out with his buddies at the local Applebee’s. What we found out, though, was rather startling.

“There was a bit of an incident recently,” said Loy in the dark of his basement. “I was over at a friend’s house, having a classic, American barbecue. I asked my buddy for a beer, and he handed a Triple IPA from a local craft brewery. I immediately shuddered, and asked if he had anything else, but he said it was on sale and didn’t get anything else. As soon as the hops hit my lips, something happened.”

Loy said he became visibly agitated with his surroundings at that point.

“All of a sudden, I was a different person. I yelled at my friend for not providing any vegan options at the cookout, and told him that with all the beef he was grilling, he may as well douse his lawn in motor oil and light it aflame to speed up his environmental destruction,” said Loy

“In a rage, I went to the nearest local outdoor outfitter and bought a harness, some leads and some rope, and headed off to the nearest rock-face I could find. By the time I realized what I was doing, I was halfway up Chimney Rock.”

Loy said his girlfriend found him two days later a few miles off the Blue Ridge Parkway, making Pine Needle tea.

“I was in a dark place. Some of it I don’t even remember, but I know I was part of at least one, possibly five, drum circles. And I went to an anti-fracking rally, where fracking wasn’t even discussed.”

Loy said his girlfriend’s intervention saved him from a permanent relapse.

“She’s a saint. When she first tried to intervene, I gave her a mouthful about her working for a large corporation and buying the poison that is white bread from the grocery store, but she stuck with me until I came out of it.

Since then, we’ve had a strict policy regarding my behavior: under no circumstance am I to buy any tight-fitting clothing. I can no longer spend hours during the night scouring Pitchfork for new music,  and I had to get rid of my A-frame glasses.”

Loy seems to be in good spirits since his relapse, and has been gradually returning to normal.

“I mowed the lawn the other day on my riding mower, while drinking a Budweiser and proceeded to eat a whole bag of Totino’s pizza rolls. Life is good.”

 

 

Hipster Finds Lifestyle Too Expensive, Reverts to Mainstream

hispet reverts to mainstreamASHEVILLE, NC — Derek Loy has been living the hipster lifestyle for the past two years, but after his bank account began to dwindle, he reverted to mainstream customs.

“I tried my best,” said Loy, “I really did. I was juicing regularly, eating local and organic, and was doing my best to only drink craft beer. Unfortunately, my bank account just couldn’t handle hipster living.”

Loy said the added stress on his bank account caused him to revert to a more conventional lifestyle, that he enjoyed in his pre-hipster years.

“All the stuff I was doing was great. Kale salads and IPA’s are delicious, but you know what’s also fantastic: cheap stuff. Bud light, frozen chicken and pizza, Coke. Was I saving a lot of money on clothes? Absolutely. I mean, I was buying stuff from thrift stores that homeless people probably wouldn’t wear. And, because I rarely showered, my water bill had never been lower, but those discounts pale in comparison to the money I save when I go to Kroger and buy a half gallon tub of ice cream, instead of chive and lentil flavored froyo from Whole Foods Market.”

Loy said he also has enjoyed hobbies that he wasn’t able to partake in the past two years including playing golf, and being able to talk about football with friends, as well as cleanly shaving his face.

“Do I miss hanging out at a brewery, drinking with a scarf on and talking about Radiohead tattoos? Actually, no. No I don’t. I’m finally free to go to a Buffalo Wild Wings and watch sports on Sunday, while drinking a giant Budweiser.” said Loy ecstatically. “The ironic thing is if I didn’t make this change, I would have been close to living out of my van, which would have made me a god among hipsters.”

After his profound endorsement of his common lifestyle, Loy proceeded to dip a corndog in chili and said, “This is the best I’ve felt in years.”