CDC Issues Statement on Ebola: Are You Kidding Me?


UPDATE 10/17/2014 4:44 PM

After hearing that another Texas healthcare worker who has worked closely with the Ebola virus, went on a cruise, the CDC has issued a new statement today:

“No seriously, you have to be kidding me,” said Maria Grimes. “I thought the healthcare worker who got on the plane was bad, but no. Let’s go set sail on the vast ocean, days away from any healthcare center, and then have a nice casual conversation about how you worked in the lab with Ebola. My God in heaven. If these are the people who are currently employed by the Texas healthcare system, then if I ever get a cut or a scrape in Dallas then I may as well go to Mexico, because they have to have a little more common sense then what I’ve seen come out of Texas.”

Dr. Grimes continued her tirade.

“Look I get it. Shephard Smith let everyone know not to go crazy about Ebola, but that doesn’t mean we should throw caution to the wind and celebrate working with Ebola patients by going in crowded, confined spaces.”

Dr. Grimes was not the only person upset about the hospital employee aboard the cruise ship.

“This is a G**d*** nightmare,” said Carnival spokesman Phillip Maks, while drinking some Pepto Bismol. “First we have the infamous ‘poop cruise,’ (referring to the 2013 cruise where the Carnival Cruise ship’s halls were flooded with sewage) and now we have what people are calling the ‘Ebola Cruise.’ If I had some vacation time and I wanted to go on a cruise, you better believe I’m not going through Carnival unless I have a death wish.”

ATLANTA, GA — Following a report today that a Texas healthcare worker who was diagnosed with Ebola traveled to and from Ohio, the CDC has issued a statement.

“Are you kidding me?” said CDC spokeswoman Maria Grimes, Phd. “You work in healthcare, having recently treated a patient with Ebola and you decide that now might be a great time to take a plane to visit family half way across the country? Bravo.”

Dr. Grimes has decided that a more elementary approach might have to be utilized in effort to contain the spread of Ebola.

“I thought it was common sense, but clearly even clinical healthcare staff need a step-by-step guide on what not to do in order to spread this deadly disease.”

Dr. Grimes has issued coloring books to be handed out to hospital staff who are in direct contact with Ebola. The book has pictures, as well as questions like “Jane has worked with a patient diagnosed with Ebola, which one of these should Jane not do? A. Try to avoid highly populated areas. B. Monitor her health and report any fever-like symptoms. or C. Board a plane of crowded people, not once, but twice, and go and visit family in Ohio.”

“We’re hoping that with these new instructions made for kindergartners, that our healthcare workers will be up to speed on the best ways to not spread the disease.”


Man Not Concerned About Ebola, Continues With Trip To West Africa

ebola sight seeHARTFORD, CT — Robert Wilson grew up in the era where if you had a cut or an injury, you would pull yourself up and rub some dirt on it. In his 35-year career, he never once took a sick day. He had plans to visit West Africa in the coming weeks, and he’s not letting a recent outbreak of the Ebola Virus change his plans.

“When I was growing up, there was none of this mamby-pamby cold and flu medicine,” Wilson began. “You would just roll on out of bed, and if you felt bad then you just sucked on a lemon and got on back to work. Kids these days think if they got a little wheeze and a cough that they get to miss a week of school. Well guess what kid, ain’t no one feeling sorry for you.”

Wilson said his father instilled a sense of pride in him at a young age to never let being sick affect him.

“My dad was a rugged man. I remember the first time I was sick, and he just stood there yelling at me, and low and behold it scared the sickness right out of me. I’ve never been sick since.”

We asked Wilson if he knew about the extreme dangers of contracting the Ebola virus and he replied, “There ain’t nothing a little whiskey and hot water can’t fix.”

We told him that was entirely inaccurate, but Wilson told us that we were “just like those ninny school boys who cry every time they stub their toe.”

Wilson plans to head to Nigeria to “sight-see” next week.