The Bachelorette Finale

Andi bachelorette

Source: ABC

The Bachelorette wrapped up last night, and oh what a season it was. There were Hy’s (I went there) and lows and everything in between. In the end Andi picked the former professional baseball player, Josh, to be her future former husband. Last night was not without its hiccups though, as we saw Nick’s crazy side come out — especially in the post-show ceremony — but we will get to that after the episode recap:

Last night’s episode saw both Nick and Josh meeting Andi’s parents, and more specifically asking Andi’s father, Hy — yes, his name is Hy — for permission to marry Andi. Now for those of us who watched Juan Pablo’s dismal season, we got to see Andi’s father play the role of the “hard-ass, he might be in the mafia,” parent, and I expected no less from Hy this season. However, what occurred to me at about the time that Josh was sweating through his unbuttoned shirt, was that Hy freaking loves this show. The guy is like TNT: he just knows drama. Anytime one of Andi’s men walked through the door, Hy did his best to scare the hell out of them, then reaffirmed his suspicions in a confessional, and just when we thought papa Dorfman was about to give them the ax, he goes and says he loves them and would be happy to call either one of them his son in law. Let me just recap this: Hy provided plot, conflict, climax, and resolution twice within the first hour of the show. I can think of a few television shows that should hire him as a consultant — coughTheLeftoverscough.

Hy Bachelorette

The Godfather himself.
Source: ABC

Other than Nick being painfully nervous and skittish, not a whole lot happened when the boys met the Dorfmans. I was slightly concerned that Andi’s sister couldn’t speak at one point, but a simple “mhm,” and head nod confirmed that she did in fact have vocal cords.

Josh’s date went off without a hitch, and you kind of got a feel for who Andi was going to pick when they were laughing at dinner — seemingly at nothing — for a good five minutes (ah, the simple life). By the time it was Nick’s turn for a date, the door was all but shut for the Chicagoan. Maybe it was the remote location for their date — where no one could hear you scream — or maybe it was Nick’s quiet demeanor, but the more airtime Nick got, the more I thought he had murder in his eyes.

Josh bachelorette

Source: ABC

After the date it was time for both men to get ready to either get on one knee or get sent home. While Josh had the pleasure of picking out a ring, Nick got the unfortunate “house call” from Andi. After Andi sent a few daggers straight into Nick — the worst of which being her telling Nick that she liked what she had with Josh more than with Nick — Nick got up and lef…wait no, he sat there and continued to babel about their relationship for at least twenty minutes. I’ve said it before, but ending a 10 week relationship, where you know the person you “love” is also seriously dating and/or sleeping with a bunch of other guys should not elicit the “you’ve ruined my world” emotion.

After Nick finally said goodbye. Josh put on his super tiny suit, and made his way to propose to Andi, after saying  “babe” to each other no less than eight times in a three minute span, they sat by the sunset and lived happily ever afNOT SO FAST! Nick is back in the picture and acting creepier than ever.

Nick bachelorette

Source: ABC

Apparently — much to the pleasure of Chris Harrison — Nick has been seething over losing Andi, and wanted to talk to her again, so of course it only makes sense for ABC to allow a one-on-one conversation between Andi and the guy who she’s been denying for the past few weeks. What on earth could go wrong? How about Nick bringing up fantasy suite sex, saying things like “I mean, that was some fiance type stuff,” which I will let the readers mind deduce that means. In the end, Nick came off as super creepy, and Andi basically lawyered him after he accused her of using sex as a weapon. The end of the show confirmed my suspicions of Chris Harrison’s feelings toward Andi, after he told her, “I love you so much.” Bold move Chris. Bold. Move.

ABC should be paying me for what I’m about to say, but my biggest takeaway from last night is how damn happy I am that ABC decided to sit down and say, “Guys, we have had some nut-bags on this show. I’m talking some clinically insane people who are easily angered, sexually deviant and manipulative, and also have attachment issues. Is there a way we can get all those people together in an isolated environment, fuck with their minds, and just watch what happens?” The answer is yes, and I couldn’t be more thrilled that Bachelor In Paradise begins next Monday. And here I thought I was going to have to start writing NCIS recaps…

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Bachelorette Recap: Week 8

Josh bachelorette

My money is on Josh to be the future ex Mr. Andi Dorfman.
Source: ABC

Week 8 is in the books, and what a snorefest it was. Had I known that so little happens in the DR, I wouldn’t have been so jealous of my friends taking spring break trips there. This week were the dates with the fantasy suites on the line, where the final three contestants get an option to get inside Andi…’s room and spend the night with her, where no camera’s are allowed — meow!

As previously mentioned, this week’s dates took Andi and her three men to the Dominican Republic, which I can only assume meant that the producers decided to ditch the lucrative islands of Belize and Bora Bora, to go with a more “down to earth” destination, where rum is a little cheaper.

A gorgeous view of a tree from Andi's room. Source: ABC

A gorgeous view of a tree from Andi’s room.
Source: ABC

Andi’s first date was with Nick, where they took…wait for it…a helicopter ride. Andi would not let Nick forget “how cute it was,” that it was his first time on a helicopter saying, “I can’t believe this is your first helicopter ride,” no less than three times. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Andi has any room to be on a high horse when it comes to riding in a helicopter. If Juan Pablo had not found her mouth irresistible, and instead, had cut her in the first few rounds, I think there is little chance that she would be a helicopter expert. Maybe smug Nick should be with smug Andi.

Andi's first De Niro face of the episode. Source: ABC

Andi’s first De Niro face of the episode.
Source: ABC

After landing on their own private island, viewers got to see Nick and Andi do adult stuff in the ocean, which featured a plethora of shots including views from a camera on a boat, a camera on the land, and a camera on a helicopter hovering right above them — talk about production value! Nick then talked about his feelings, and at dinner gave Andi a book, that looked to be illustrated by a twelve-year-old, but like, a twelve-year-old with artistic talent. Andi gave Nick the key to her va…cation island suite– with Chris Harrison’s blessing of course — and Nick obviously obliged.

Josh’s date followed Nick’s, and once again, not much happened. Andi and Josh perused the town of Santa Domingo, and Josh drank some natural male enhancer? Thank goodness Andi isn’t fluent in Spanish. After a rousing game of stick ball, Andi and Josh made their way to Casa De Campo, where Josh told Andi in eloquent style, “I feel stuff for you.” He’s a real orator. Josh also got Chris Harrison’s blessing to spend some time in Andi’s pink…curtained, suite.

Chris right before one final desperation, "I'm in love with you." Source: ABC

Chris right before one final desperation, “I’m in love with you.”
Source: ABC

Chris had the final date, and let me just premise by asking how much would it suck to be the third guy on these fantasy suite dates? I mean if you actually do make it to the final three, you have to go through the date knowing that your future ex-wife/ex-fiance has just been soiled by two other dudes. Let’s say by some miracle you actually do get married and have kids and you have to explain to your children that you “knew your wife was the one for you, right after she spent the night with two other dudes.” Andi’s date with Chris was painful in so many ways:  She picked to go to a DR farm, I can only assume because that’s all she knows about Chris. Then Chris daintily ran off — a phrase I never thought I would write — to play a game of hide and seek with Andi. At the end of the date Andi decided that Chris was not the man for her, which prompted Chris to try one more desperation, “I love you,” but alas, he went home. For a second though, I would like to salute Chris for having a stand-up exit. He didn’t get overly emotional, he said what needed to be said, and was just that overall good guy that we’ve come to know and love. Here’s to hoping he’s the next bachelor.

Barring Andi sporting baby bump, I’m not writing about the “Men Tell All,” because, well, nothing really happens. Here’s to hoping Andi’s father provides some much needed entertainment in two weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

Bachelorette Recap: Week 4, France

bachelorette mime

Source: ABC

After taking a week long hiatus, Andi Dorfman is back with a vengeance. Marseille, France was the destination for the Dorfman and her band of merry gentlemen. At the beginning of the episode, Andi claimed that Marseilles is “the perfect place to fall in love,” which puts it on par with San Lucia, Santa Barbara, Connecticut, and Vietnam. I would love to hear what she would say if they took her to Yemen.

Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison’s lovely turtleneck Source: ABC

Andi’s first one-on-one date was with MLB second rounder, Josh M. But first let’s get to Chris Harrison’s newest getup: his wool turtleneck. I don’t know who does his wardrobe but somebody give that monkey a promotion! Chris asked Andi if she was falling in love, to which Andi replied, “Stop!” and thus began the drinking game that resulted in a nice Tuesday hangover for college students everywhere.

Josh M is all about not being stereotyped as a “jock,” or a “sports guy,” and wants Andi to think of him in a different light, which is fine, but Josh kept making references to his sports career, so he may as well have said something like, “I don’t want you to think of me as this guy who played in the MLB, who has a great smile, and a body with 5% body fat. I’m so much more than my sports money, and my confident 1st basemen attitude.” Also well done Josh, in keeping Andi from seeing the Chateau D’if, by sticking your tongue in her mouth, no one likes that monument anyways.

Meanwhile back at the hotel: JJ solidified himself a shit-talker, as he told Marquel that Andrew called him a “blacky,” just to turn around in the confessional and say that Andrew, “may have said ‘black guys.'” All right you little home schooled, pants punk, let’s think about this logically: 1. Blackie is a term that might — and I use “might” loosely — be used by people over the age of 75, or by T.Y. Beanie Babies when naming their Black Bear. 2: If you want to talk shit about Andrew getting a waitress’ number because you think it affects the show, then fine. But to basically call someone a racist on national television, based on something you may or may not have heard is pretty outrageous. Also I think it says something about JJ who apparently thinks “blackie” is a term that is still thrown around.

Andi Dorfman De Niro

Andi shows off her De Niro face Source: ABC

Back on the date, Josh told Andi a story about a girl he was seeing who cheated on him. This resulted in Andi donning what I have affectionately come to call “De Niro Face.”   Andi’s De Niro face can happen when she is pleased and smiling, or if she is listening intently, and interested in what a certain someone has to say. In this instance Andi De Niro’d when Josh opened up to her, proving to her that he wasn’t the same person Juan Pablo was and making her as happy as James Conway.

The next date was a group date on which Andi took her boys to Mime school. I find it incredibly hard to believe that they couldn’t come up with a better date than dressing a bunch of guys up in mime clothes and miming around a public square. Points go to smug JJ who took Andi on a Ferris Wheel, where no one could hear her scream. Dylan also showed his inner Iago, when he told Marquel it was a good idea to confront Andrew on the group date. The big thing on this date was when Nick angered big-baby Cody by saying he was the front runner. Cody was none to pleased with Nick’s cocky nature, and showed him that his California broness could quickly turn into a California “that really hurt my feelings!” Poor, poor Chris too. Andi totally manipulated his nice-guy attitude to get gossip out of him by using the, “would you tell me if I was your wife?” line.

Andi’s next date was with Brian. They’re date was essentially a promotion for the movie, “100-foot Journey,” which as far as I can tell is a movie about French people and Indians who don’t use the metric system. Brian and Andi attempted to cook food, which Brian took entirely too seriously, and if he were a girl on The Bachelor, he definitely would have been sent home. But because this isn’t The Bachelor, Brian got a rose and will be around for at least one more week.

Andi Dorfman

Source: ABC

No cocktail party this week. Andi took her Adam’s Family meets Star Wars hair, and decided she knew the cuts she wanted to make without having to see a bunch of grown men get drunk and cry. Apparently black isn’t her favorite color, as Andi cut Marquel, along with lovers, Andrew and Patrick. Patrick’s exit was particularly appealing as he said the he’s been told by “many people, not just girls, that he is a catch,” Maybe he should start pursuing those, “not just girls,” and share a limo with Andrew…meow!

Next week Andi will actually be going full-on De Niro when she administers lie detector tests to her suitors, which I’m sure won’t end in tears.

 

 

 

Bachelorette Recap Week 3; Night 2

Bachelorette Andi

Source: ABC

And thus concludes a bizarre, mid-season, two-night special. Men played women’s basketball, Marcus indeed “Mosby’d,” and we said goodbye to both Eric and Chaco in a weird fashion.

The episode started with “I perpetually have my head cocked to one side,” Dylan getting his one-on-one date. Andi and Dylan rode a steam train to all the way to pun city. It’s interesting how much control post-production has on whether or not a date is awkward just by putting in some background music. Especially with Dylan’s back story it was like a composer was saying, “Wait for it. Wait for it. He’s gonna start talking about his family annnnd there it is. Queue the soft cello and dramatic piano….and.we.nailed it. Way to go gang!” Andi also came up with a new term: “The pity rose.” Which I’m assuming is a rose given to a contestant after they bring up a sob story and the Bachelor/ette would look like a total dick if they didn’t give them a rose. I think by saying “This isn’t a pity rose,” instead of Andi just giving a rose, put the thought in at least a few people’s head that it in fact was a pity rose.

WNBA bachelorette

Source: ABC

Meanwhile back in the brotel, the second date card came. Cody did the honors of reading the names and boy, did he sound like a third grader reading “The Giver” in front of the class. The group date featured a bunch of the guys playing against WNBA all-stars, which is great because it’s probably the most viewership that has ever been associated with the WNBA. To their credit though, the WNBA team dominated the guys to the tune of 30-6, which coincidentally looks like a women’s basketball score.

After the men vs women game, the guys split up and played a game where the winner would get more time with Andi, and the loser would have to go home. This was a great date for Coach Brian, as he really showed his knowledge of X’s and O’s and how to not pass the basketball.

When the final buzzer sounded, some mass drama was produced. I mean we’re talking Schindler’s List meets a 30-for-30 about apartheid. Except that it was a bunch of dudes moping around because they lost a pretty meaningless game. I will give points for the losing team wallowing while drinking beers in the locker room though. If you can’t be with Andi, at least you can share a light beer — we sure have come a long way from orange slices. As the date continued people cheesed around, and Brian hit a pretty sweet half court shot, that I will choose to believe happened on the first try. Also well done Brian for making Andi’s layup seem like she just hit a buzzer-beater to win a game 6.

Marcus Bachelorette

Just call Marcus Ted Mosby Source: ABC

The next date was Marcus’ one-on-one, and not to toot my own horn, but I called him being the one who would Mosby Andie, and he did not disappoint. First though, Andi and Marcus repelled down their hotel. My favorite part of this was Marcus saying, “Don’t look down, look at me,” as he was 15 feet below her. After their date, they saw yet another no-name band, and acted like they couldn’t believe they were seeing said band live. And then Marcus dropped the timeless words, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” One date Marcus, you’ve been on one date with this girl, not including the time you shared with her with like 12 other dudes. If he doesn’t win, someone better put him in a room with Bradley and keep them on 24 hour watch.

Cocktail party quick slants: Let’s be honest, aside from Chaco getting cut off after what sounded like a coming-out conversation, the biggest thing to come out was the Eric-Andi fight. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Andi had a few too many wine spritzers while head-locking Marquel, because unless Eric struck some kind of nerve by calling her a “Hollywood actress,” than she completely over-reacted to a simple concern that Eric had. After Eric left, Chris and Andi came on to say a few words about Eric and “clear the air” about him leaving. I thought the whole thing was rather bizarre, and then Chris — without even a nod to a “spoiler alert” — said that Andi said goodbye to Chaco’s.

In two weeks it looks like things heat up between Marquel and Andrew, which I can only imagine is because Andrew dropped a racial slur, because that seems to fit his snide personality.

 

Bachelorette Recap: Week 3; Night 1

Chris Harrison

Who dresses you? Source: ABC

Three weeks in, and already there’s a two night special!? Andi “I perpetually have a cold” Dorfman is getting quite a lot of airtime! For the first episode in this two night special Andi and her merry men headed to Santa Barbara. Which is just a short two-hour drive from their Los Angeles location, coughbudgetcutscough. I am going to choose to gloss over Nick and Andi’s date, as nothing of note happened, except we learned that Nick either does not like himself or has a weird, self-deprecating style of humor.

After Andrew and Marcus had a shirtless heart-to-heart, the group date card came. Apparently the producers really loved the date in Juan Pablo’s season when the girls went to a Korean mall and sang K-pop because the guys also went to a mall. But instead of singing and dancing to an Asian band that no one has heard of, the guys had the opportunity to thoroughly butcher a Boyz 2 Men song, again, at a mall. First of all, Marquel apparently loves Boyz 2 Men. When he saw the trio, he looked like he just inherited a lifetime supply of cookies. The biggest thing to come out of this date was Bradley finally got his douche card. It was probably years in the making, but this date finally sealed the deal. Bradley started getting his douche card when he was told there would be singing on the date, and got all douche-pumped about having a leg up on the competition. He continued his rise in his douche stock when he couldn’t just sing “I’ll Make Love To You,” but instead, had to opera belt it out, in classic douche fashion. The clincher though, was when he tried to show up the others by vibrato-ing his way to douche kingdom. Well done Bradley, you have arrived. Andrew and Patrick continued their love affair with each other (see the picture).

Patrick and Andrew: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

Patrick and Andrew: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told Source: ABC

After the brutally awful performance, the lady and her tramps finished the date with some drinks and some casual conversation. Andi and Marquel had a great exchange when Marquel asked her what her favorite color and she responded with, “Is black a color?” Oh, Andi you are a subtle minx. Marcus began showing his true colors on this date as well, as well as his lack of brain power. Maybe it’s just because he’s relatively younger than the rest of the guys, but he seems totally out of his element. Out of all the contestants he’s definitely the one who might “Mosby” Andi, and tell her he’s in love with her after their next group date. Oh and after Josh M. got the rose, he also seems to have murder in his eyes…

Andi’s next date was with pantsapreneur, JJ. I can’t explain how stupid their date was. I guess the premise behind it, in some weird geriatric world, could be considered minutely “ok.” The execution was just bizarre. The idea was that JJ and Andi would get in full old person makeup, and act like they were 50 years their senior for the day. First off, JJ’s makeup was downright creepy. It wasn’t just old person makeup, he looked like an elderly man who had not taken care of himself at all. His eyes looked like a crack fiend, and I think he had more liver spots than hair. Andi conversely basically had a wig thrown on, and if any person looks that good when their 75 then sign me up. What made the date even more irritating is the “gotcha” game Andi and JJ played at the park, where they went up to unsuspecting groups of people and acted like they were old and senile. The people — I have to assume — were either taken aback by JJ’s fake disease ridden face, or the fact that these two people thought that they were actually fooling anyone. Let’s put it this way: if I put on cat ears, went to a park and started rubbing up against people and purring, no one would think I was a cat, and I would probably go to jail.

What's weird about two dudes just hanging out in a hot-tub?

What’s weird about two dudes just hanging out in a hot-tub? Source: ABC

Cocktail Party Quick Slants: Andrew, Josh and JJ got into quite the little tiff, which reminded me of the fun drinking game where you take a shot every time someone says some combination of “you’re not here/we’re here/we just want to know if you’re here for ‘the right reasons,'” which consequently will find you on the floor with no pants on. Andrew, who was being backed into a corner, did the only thing he could: find his lover Patrick get his bu..back. Other mentionables: Eric kind of has a weird, possessive side to him, and the hair dresser and Bradley went home. Bradley was responsible for some bizarrely dark television. He not only cried, but really dove deep into how sad he was. Someone might want to keep an eye on him, or someone should get him to sing about it.

I’m guessing tonight that Andrew is going to make Andi super upset, and probably end up leaving while saying something like “Well at least I can call Holli from Applebee’s, I bet her shift’s almost up.”

If Andrew leaves that’s another pick eliminated!