The Bachelorette Finale

Andi bachelorette

Source: ABC

The Bachelorette wrapped up last night, and oh what a season it was. There were Hy’s (I went there) and lows and everything in between. In the end Andi picked the former professional baseball player, Josh, to be her future former husband. Last night was not without its hiccups though, as we saw Nick’s crazy side come out — especially in the post-show ceremony — but we will get to that after the episode recap:

Last night’s episode saw both Nick and Josh meeting Andi’s parents, and more specifically asking Andi’s father, Hy — yes, his name is Hy — for permission to marry Andi. Now for those of us who watched Juan Pablo’s dismal season, we got to see Andi’s father play the role of the “hard-ass, he might be in the mafia,” parent, and I expected no less from Hy this season. However, what occurred to me at about the time that Josh was sweating through his unbuttoned shirt, was that Hy freaking loves this show. The guy is like TNT: he just knows drama. Anytime one of Andi’s men walked through the door, Hy did his best to scare the hell out of them, then reaffirmed his suspicions in a confessional, and just when we thought papa Dorfman was about to give them the ax, he goes and says he loves them and would be happy to call either one of them his son in law. Let me just recap this: Hy provided plot, conflict, climax, and resolution twice within the first hour of the show. I can think of a few television shows that should hire him as a consultant — coughTheLeftoverscough.

Hy Bachelorette

The Godfather himself.
Source: ABC

Other than Nick being painfully nervous and skittish, not a whole lot happened when the boys met the Dorfmans. I was slightly concerned that Andi’s sister couldn’t speak at one point, but a simple “mhm,” and head nod confirmed that she did in fact have vocal cords.

Josh’s date went off without a hitch, and you kind of got a feel for who Andi was going to pick when they were laughing at dinner — seemingly at nothing — for a good five minutes (ah, the simple life). By the time it was Nick’s turn for a date, the door was all but shut for the Chicagoan. Maybe it was the remote location for their date — where no one could hear you scream — or maybe it was Nick’s quiet demeanor, but the more airtime Nick got, the more I thought he had murder in his eyes.

Josh bachelorette

Source: ABC

After the date it was time for both men to get ready to either get on one knee or get sent home. While Josh had the pleasure of picking out a ring, Nick got the unfortunate “house call” from Andi. After Andi sent a few daggers straight into Nick — the worst of which being her telling Nick that she liked what she had with Josh more than with Nick — Nick got up and lef…wait no, he sat there and continued to babel about their relationship for at least twenty minutes. I’ve said it before, but ending a 10 week relationship, where you know the person you “love” is also seriously dating and/or sleeping with a bunch of other guys should not elicit the “you’ve ruined my world” emotion.

After Nick finally said goodbye. Josh put on his super tiny suit, and made his way to propose to Andi, after saying  “babe” to each other no less than eight times in a three minute span, they sat by the sunset and lived happily ever afNOT SO FAST! Nick is back in the picture and acting creepier than ever.

Nick bachelorette

Source: ABC

Apparently — much to the pleasure of Chris Harrison — Nick has been seething over losing Andi, and wanted to talk to her again, so of course it only makes sense for ABC to allow a one-on-one conversation between Andi and the guy who she’s been denying for the past few weeks. What on earth could go wrong? How about Nick bringing up fantasy suite sex, saying things like “I mean, that was some fiance type stuff,” which I will let the readers mind deduce that means. In the end, Nick came off as super creepy, and Andi basically lawyered him after he accused her of using sex as a weapon. The end of the show confirmed my suspicions of Chris Harrison’s feelings toward Andi, after he told her, “I love you so much.” Bold move Chris. Bold. Move.

ABC should be paying me for what I’m about to say, but my biggest takeaway from last night is how damn happy I am that ABC decided to sit down and say, “Guys, we have had some nut-bags on this show. I’m talking some clinically insane people who are easily angered, sexually deviant and manipulative, and also have attachment issues. Is there a way we can get all those people together in an isolated environment, fuck with their minds, and just watch what happens?” The answer is yes, and I couldn’t be more thrilled that Bachelor In Paradise begins next Monday. And here I thought I was going to have to start writing NCIS recaps…

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Bachelorette Recap: Week 6

The Bachelorette

Source: ABC

I apologize for the lack of a recap last week, as I apparently suffered some ill-advised head trauma. Let’s be serious though, the only thing of note last week was the guy administering the lie-detector test asking, “Have you eva faht in pooblic?” It was easily the funniest moment in the show’s history. Proving that fart humor still holds water. Enough talk about last week’s yawner, let’s get into last night’s episode.

 

bachelorette

Marcus looks like a deer in headlights most days Source: ABC

This week’s episode took the “sweet six” — Andi’s words, not mine — to Brussels, Belgium, which is oddly coincidental as the U.S. takes on Belgium in the World Cup knock out round tomorrow. #IBelieve…ABCrunstheworld. As the men gathered in their hotel rooms two questions were brought up: 1. Who fired Chris Harrison’s wardrobe monkey? and 2. When did the man-scarf become acceptable?

Marcus got the first date card, and he and Andi went around and ate mussels in Brussels — omg too cute. I’d equate Marcus to Lenny from Of Mice and Men, except instead of crushing a mouse with his large, oversized hands, he’s smothering Andi with “I love yous” and “I’m falling in love with you.” I will go out on a limb and say that both Marcus and Lenny might share the same IQ. Marcus even admitted that the date was the first time Andi actually “felt like his girlfriend,” however that didn’t stop him from using  the L-bomb as liberally as Mel Gibson uses  the word “Jew.” Marcus’ conversation about his dad resulted in Andi’s first De Niro face (see picture). After the dinner we got a full display of just how miserable Andi looks while kissing. She has a way of making dudes look like pythons devouring small bird, and it’s just generally uncomfortable.

Andi Dorfman

Andi’s first De Niro face of the night Source: ABC

The next date card prompted Dylan to say, “You girls ready?” and that was when you knew he wasn’t going to make it through. Josh got the next date, BUT FIRST smug Nick decided to “make a move.” Nick, being the cunningly clever man that he is, went down to the lobby and pulled the old “I lost my room key, but the room is under my ‘wife’s name,'” That was so sneaky, I don’t even know how he hid those cameras from the concierge, nor do I know how she had that room key made within five seconds. The only plausible explanation I can come up with is that was the most bullshit scene ever. Not only was Nick the most unsteady conman since Michael J Fox, but that hotel employee would lose her job if she ever did that with a regular customer. After slick Nick got a hold of Andi they wondered around the streets of Brussels until they finally made out to the “Out of Africa” soundtrack.

Josh M got the second one-on-one date, and he made some moves. Josh is definitely this season’s Brooks, except I don’t think he’s going to bitch out in the end. Keep an eye on Josh’s shirt buttons, because I’m pretty sure he has to unbutton one each hour or he loses his slight southern accent. Can we also talk about Josh’s title as “Former Pro Baseball Player?” I just realized I have no idea what Josh does. If I walked around telling people that for a living a was a “former high school student” I think it would merit a few odd looks, so what in the world does Josh do now? My money’s on professional shirt unbuttoner.

nick v bachelorette

Nick is just the smuggest(?) smuggiest? Source: ABC

The group date was even more lackluster than the rest of the show. The guys went to some ancient ruins and then to a sacred “no kissing” temple. I’m not really sure who instituted the no kissing rule, but it sounds made up. Chris and Andi had a nice moment where they made clay pots. It was kind of like the movie, “Ghost,” but more 4th gradish. In the end smug Nick got the rose, and was oh so smug about it. When Nick returned the Bachelorette was able to produce an overly long awkward silence, which ironically was broken by awkward Brian.

The cocktail party went on without a hitch except for when smug Nick took awkward Brian’s time with Andi, which was generally a dick move, but at this point what can we really expect from Nick? Something tells me he didn’t have many friends in college.

In the end it was awkward Brian and Patrick Bateman Dylan who got the axe (so to speak). Brian had to best exit when he goes, “Great, just great. They’re laughing, that’s what I want to hear.”

Next week is hometowns, and here’s to hoping that it isn’t as dull as this last episode.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bachelorette Recap Week 3; Night 2

Bachelorette Andi

Source: ABC

And thus concludes a bizarre, mid-season, two-night special. Men played women’s basketball, Marcus indeed “Mosby’d,” and we said goodbye to both Eric and Chaco in a weird fashion.

The episode started with “I perpetually have my head cocked to one side,” Dylan getting his one-on-one date. Andi and Dylan rode a steam train to all the way to pun city. It’s interesting how much control post-production has on whether or not a date is awkward just by putting in some background music. Especially with Dylan’s back story it was like a composer was saying, “Wait for it. Wait for it. He’s gonna start talking about his family annnnd there it is. Queue the soft cello and dramatic piano….and.we.nailed it. Way to go gang!” Andi also came up with a new term: “The pity rose.” Which I’m assuming is a rose given to a contestant after they bring up a sob story and the Bachelor/ette would look like a total dick if they didn’t give them a rose. I think by saying “This isn’t a pity rose,” instead of Andi just giving a rose, put the thought in at least a few people’s head that it in fact was a pity rose.

WNBA bachelorette

Source: ABC

Meanwhile back in the brotel, the second date card came. Cody did the honors of reading the names and boy, did he sound like a third grader reading “The Giver” in front of the class. The group date featured a bunch of the guys playing against WNBA all-stars, which is great because it’s probably the most viewership that has ever been associated with the WNBA. To their credit though, the WNBA team dominated the guys to the tune of 30-6, which coincidentally looks like a women’s basketball score.

After the men vs women game, the guys split up and played a game where the winner would get more time with Andi, and the loser would have to go home. This was a great date for Coach Brian, as he really showed his knowledge of X’s and O’s and how to not pass the basketball.

When the final buzzer sounded, some mass drama was produced. I mean we’re talking Schindler’s List meets a 30-for-30 about apartheid. Except that it was a bunch of dudes moping around because they lost a pretty meaningless game. I will give points for the losing team wallowing while drinking beers in the locker room though. If you can’t be with Andi, at least you can share a light beer — we sure have come a long way from orange slices. As the date continued people cheesed around, and Brian hit a pretty sweet half court shot, that I will choose to believe happened on the first try. Also well done Brian for making Andi’s layup seem like she just hit a buzzer-beater to win a game 6.

Marcus Bachelorette

Just call Marcus Ted Mosby Source: ABC

The next date was Marcus’ one-on-one, and not to toot my own horn, but I called him being the one who would Mosby Andie, and he did not disappoint. First though, Andi and Marcus repelled down their hotel. My favorite part of this was Marcus saying, “Don’t look down, look at me,” as he was 15 feet below her. After their date, they saw yet another no-name band, and acted like they couldn’t believe they were seeing said band live. And then Marcus dropped the timeless words, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” One date Marcus, you’ve been on one date with this girl, not including the time you shared with her with like 12 other dudes. If he doesn’t win, someone better put him in a room with Bradley and keep them on 24 hour watch.

Cocktail party quick slants: Let’s be honest, aside from Chaco getting cut off after what sounded like a coming-out conversation, the biggest thing to come out was the Eric-Andi fight. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Andi had a few too many wine spritzers while head-locking Marquel, because unless Eric struck some kind of nerve by calling her a “Hollywood actress,” than she completely over-reacted to a simple concern that Eric had. After Eric left, Chris and Andi came on to say a few words about Eric and “clear the air” about him leaving. I thought the whole thing was rather bizarre, and then Chris — without even a nod to a “spoiler alert” — said that Andi said goodbye to Chaco’s.

In two weeks it looks like things heat up between Marquel and Andrew, which I can only imagine is because Andrew dropped a racial slur, because that seems to fit his snide personality.

 

The Bachelorette 2014: Episode 1 Recap

andi dorfman


Source: Si.ibtimes.com

And they’re off! The Bachelorette 2014 is officially underway which means Chris Harrison is back with atrocious shirts, a lot of men will be crying in the near future, and someone will ultimately end up looking disappointed on the cover of People Magazine. This season stars Andi Dorfman as The Bachelorette. As far as I can tell, Andi spends her time in Atlanta as a broken fence inspector and a street graffiti judge. She then moonlights as a lawyer wherever she can find an empty courtroom. A little background on AD: She attended Wake Forest University Law School, passed the bar in 2012, and what does our girl Andi do with that seemingly expensive law degree? She throws it right into a brown box of of storage where it belongs. Why? Because she’s The Bachelorette betches!

After Andi  goes to her biannual family blue shirt party, we get to meet her sister where Andi delivers her first gem of the season saying, “I don’t know what I did for 25 guys to fly across the country and meet me.” Apparently the BAR must be a little easier in Atlanta…

The next few segments were spent on what seemed like 18 limos carrying the guys who will spend the next 6 weeks courting Andi. Here’s some quit slants on the arrivals: Marcus emerged first, and Andi went all Juan Pablo on this young piece of ace, saying, “he’s hot. Hot. Hotttt. He’s just…well done ABC.” Chris, the Midwestern, Iowa farm boy followed Marcus. I am just going to assume that Chris is going to be an overall nice guy  and everyone will love him, however Andi will instead go for a brooding bad boy with a sketchy past because she likes mysteries and broken fences. JJ, our first unemployed contestant followed Chris. Sorry did I say unemployed, I meant entrepreneur. Wait, sorry, I meant pantsapreneur, because that’s definitely a thing, in fact, I think The Wharton Business School just added that as a focus.

Our first token black guy emerged and he has a striking resemblance to comedian Hannibal Buress. Marquel is his name, and cookies are his game. I think the creators of Sesame Street were just given the gift of Cookie Monster’s origin story: Once he was just an ordinary man who loved cookies. Marquel then had his heart broken, turned into a furry blue creature, fiending after the only other thing that could satisfy his cold heart.

Bachelorette lamp

Source: ABC

Our first ambiguously gay contestant followed the Cookie Monster. Tasos is his actual name but I’m pretty sure I’m going to call him Chacos for the remainder of the season.

Resident douche in the house: He’s Cody y’all, and he pushed that limo all the way from popped-blazer-collar town. Skipping over Rudie aka funny-man attorney, the next contestant of note was long hair -urgent care physician Jason. Here’s to hoping he never goes into pediatrics because he has “arrest me” written all over him. I’m gonna skip to the guy who had the best opening line ever and should’ve just won the game. Emil approached Andi and goes, “Hi I’m Emil.” Andi leans in like she didn’t hear him and he goes, “It’s like anal but with an ‘M,'” like he’s been saying that on the first day of class for the better part of his life. Give that guys a medal. The rest of the contestants read: long hair don’t care, bball coach, pro golfer, pro baseball player, token black guy #2, another long haired contestant with a laugh that would harmonize with Seth Rogen’s,  and what’s this? A stalker outside the house.

The stalker was nothing more than a former contestant from Emily’s season. I can only speculate that the whole thing was a ploy to give Chris Harrison a medium to perform the best white-guy handshake/hug in the history of television.

Right off the bat a love story blossomed during the cocktail party. Yes, soul mates Andrew and Patrick really hit it off saying things like, “Me and Patrick, we’re kind of on a different level,” and “Ohh, you’re a Ferrari guy?” I can’t wait for their hot tub bro sesh, where they take off their pants and make out because “we’re just super comfortable with each other, and are both into Formula 1 racing.”

Post cocktail party and rose ceremony, Josh B had a nice angsty teen exit that came off like, “This sucks, I didn’t even wanna be here.” Followed by tears, which makes me think he cried a lot in gym class as a kid.

Here are the picks for our lavish group. The field is a lot more diverse with $90 in the pot, and the least amount of money someone would take home would be $22.50. A few people are also able to win the whole $90. Let the games begin.

Amanda – Nick V

Sam – JJ & Chris

Jon – Josh M & Chris

Caitlin – Josh M & Dylan

Dave: Chris & Marcus

Libby – Carl & Nick V

Anjali – Nick V & Andrew

Joey – Marquel & Marcus

Nick – Josh M

Sarah – Chris & Marcus

Field: 9/18