Alabama Police Issue Statement in Tasing of Teenage Girl

Alabama TaserRainbow City, ALABAMA — Alabama Police today issued a statement regarding the use of a taser on a teenage girl who was having a seizure at a concert. The Rainbow City police department officers that allegedly tased the teenage girl three times, said they had never seen a seizure before.

One of the officers involved, Chad Barnes said, “When that girl started seizing and convulsing, I thought the devil had taken ahold of her. After all, she was at a rap concert. I thought I had no choice but to zap the demons out of her.”

The admission of gross misconduct was generally repeated throughout the department.

“Ain’t nothin’ scarier than a teenage girl with the devil inside of her. I don’t know if you all have seen that Emily Rose movie, but heck, that gave me nightmares for months. I don’t know what a ‘seizure’ is, but I knew I was scared, and when I get scared, I use my taser until I feel safe, regardless of the situation.” said Officer Buck Williams, another officer who used his taser on the teenage girl.

While many still don’t understand why five officers were used to restrain the young, unconscious girl, even more puzzling was the use of a taser on the girl’s mother who came in her pajamas to collect her daughter.

“If my momma taught me anything , it’s never trust a woman in pajama pants,” said Bill Williams, the officer involved in the tasing of the mother. “At that point I was so hopped up on adrenalin from tasing people, I would have tased my own wife. I just love using my taser! Sometimes the boys at the precinct and I just tase each other until one of us craps our pants. We call it ‘The Electric Slide.’”

The Rainbow City Chief of Police could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy covering his face and shaking his head in disbelief.