Finally, the Bachelor took us out of back-alley America and into some other country. Bali was the destination for the Fantasy “sex time” Suites. And it was quite possibly the least entertaining episode of them all. Aside from the pan flutes and steel drums, I think Bali was more like “Bore.me.” Amiright?!
Sweet and funny Kaitlyn was the first lady to venture through the mystical Southeast Asia country; Their first stop: a temple where intimacy isn’t allowed, and if you do kiss, or do anything inappropriate than you will face the wrath of at least 10 weirdly mustached terracotta head statues. Chris and Kaitlyn then went to a place that is a CDC workers nightmare: to feed wild monkeys from your head. Chris was given banana like foods to hold over his head, and then a monkey would jump on him and eat the food. I don’t know how many diseases have to originate with monkeys for people to have a second thought about maybe interacting with one. Especially in a country with less-than-stellar medical facilities, where a routine check-up can result in a loss of a kidney. What followed the monkey feeding frenzie was an incredibly awkward scene for anyone watching the show, as it was just Kaitlyn and Chris making out with no background music — not even the magistic pan flute. Honestly, nothing was too crazy about Kaitlyn’s whole date. She got the fantasy suite card, where I bet Chris showed her his rocky mountain oysters.
Whitney was up next, and they had a date on a freaking huge boat. With a captain who seemingly didn’t know what he was doing as he rammed into a dock, and left some noticeable damage. Chris and Whitney didn’t worry though, because they know Bali, and that’s just what silly Balians do sometimes. Chris and Whitney went about their date on their Junk Ship <– technical term — and Whitney was all “My sister and I are different!” and Chris was all “That’s okay,” and then Whitney was like “OMG that’s so deep, you totally get me.” On their dinner date, Chris brought up Iowa, and I’m pretty sure this is what Whitney said: 1. Her mother told her to have a career because if other stuff (kids and family) doesn’t work out than at least you have that to fall back on. 2. She worked really hard to get to where she is now, and likes what she does, but she also wants to have a family and be a mom. 3. That’s why she’s going to tell her mom that her advice is dumb, and forgetting her career and wants move to Arlington, because take that Mom! I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one confused with her round-about logic as Chris was nervously drinking his liquor while Whitney was explaining her feelings. In any case, I’m it sounds like Whitney is okay with farm jobs in Arlington, I just hope human anatomy translates to farm insemination.
Becca was the next person to grace Bali with her presence, and boy was her date with Chris average. I’m pretty sure ABC didn’t allocate their money fairly, as Whitney got a sweet ass boat/ship and Becca and Kaitlyn kind of wandered around. Becca’s date in particular was weird as they basically walked around a rice paddy where people were trying to make a living. It seemed like no matter where they were, they were in someone’s way, like they were trespassing on someone’s land. Becca and Chris then went to a “medium” who would “tell them about themselves.” First of all, these guys looked like swindlers. And I’m not saying that these guys were taking advantage of some naive foreigners…well actually yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying, especially when the one guy who spoke english said they should “make love” with a shit eating grin on his face.
The big thing with Becca’s date was that she was a virgin, and God forbid she say “no” to the Fantasy “bang one out” Suite. I also don’t get why exactly she had to tell him on camera, or, for that matter, why she even brought it up to the viewers at home, when she could have just told him that night. In any case, that’s not what she did, and when Becca told Chris about her virginity, Chris responded by making a face that looked like he just had his balls dipped in cheese — it wasn’t a look of horror, but more like “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I feel weird about it.” Now Chris could have made that face because he was relieved that Becca didn’t have a terminal disease like she seemed to be making it out to be, but in any case, it was uncomfortable.
Leading up to the rose ceremony, Chris was having difficulty making up his mind about which girl to choose. There was Kaitlyn and Whitney who both said they were excited to move to Arlington and that they were falling in love with him, which may be bullshit, but that’s what happened. Then there’s Becca who may or may not be in love with him, and who’s never been in love, and who may or may not want to move to Iowa. You would think, maybe, that the decision would be made for him, as he just stated the two most obvious choices. But never underestimate how stupid us men are. No, instead of picking what I would assume would be the obvious choice, Chris, clearly suffering from “I want what I can’t have” syndrome, decided to pick Whitney and Becca. I would imagine Chris’ decision would solidify Kaitlyn’s place as the Bachelorette, as she was easily the funniest and most likeable contestant on the show. Kaitlyn didn’t even freak out that hard on her way out, save for that damn seat belt. Every year there seems to be an obvious mistake, and unless Kaitlyn had a bad case of crabs, this was definitely it.
Next week is Women Tell All, and I bet there is some serious fire that will be spat. Also, I cannot wait for Ashley S to get back on camera and claim her rightful place as reality TV heiress. I’m really hoping #wewanttheashleyShow trends nationally next week.