Two night special!? What?? This will have to be a little abridged as I chose to watch the marvelous television that was the SNL 40th anniversary special instead of the Sunday Bachelor special — bad move ABC putting the Bachelor against a show as beloved as SNL. I did however, watch the “meat and potatoes,” of Sunday’s episode.
Farmer Chris — AKA the rose merchant of death, just got done abandoning two girls in the desert only to come back and let poor, geographically challenged, Megan go home. Any time the words, “(insert name) you are amazing,” are uttered on the show, you can be absolutely sure that person is going home, which is exactly what happened to Megan. I wish Chris had followed up his “Megan, you are amazing,” with exactly how she is amazing, such as “Megan, I think it’s amazing that you don’t know that New Mexico is a part of the United States. And I think it’s amazing that you don’t know all five senses of the human body. I’m sure you’ll find someone who amazes me just as much as you do.” Anywho, Megan left, and actually left as gracefully as anyone could. She probably thought she was being taken straight to an island for Bachelor in Paradise.
The next stop on this terrible trek across America was to De Moines, Iowa. Yes, the capital city that is just a measly 3+ hours from Chris’ hometown. I’m going to say that most of the girls — especially those that didn’t get to go to a tropical island — are going to look back on this season of the Bachelor and say, “Those were some days I would really like to have back.”
Jade got the first date card for a trip to Chris’ hometown of Arlington, Iowa, or as Chris calls it, “God’s country.” Now, I have seen towns that are really coming unhinged at the seams — I’m looking at you Mansfield, OH — and I know exactly what it’s like to love a place that a lot of people try escape– looking at you Columbus, OH, you gem of the Midwest. But at the very, very least, if someone were to come to Columbus, I could say, “Oh, you’re hungry? No big deal, we have way more than ZERO restaurants here,” or “Oh, you don’t want to eat out? Don’t worry, we have a little thing called a grocery store, where we can exchange money for uncooked food.” I can’t say the same for Arlington, Iowa
Chris spent a majority of his “showing Jade around,” saying things like “yeah we used to eat there,” and “Before that closed, you could get a drink there.” and “No, we don’t have one of those here.” What Chris didn’t talk about, was the place that had a sign advertising “liquor, pizza, chicken, and frozen yogurt.” I can only imagine that place’s slogan is something along the lines of “The only place within 15 minutes to get any sort of sustenance.” or “Grab a case of liquor to forget that the only thing holding this town afloat is this shitty carryout.”
I’ll admit to being a little harsh on small town Arlington, and there is something weirdly romantic about slow life in a small town, but when even Chris looks town the ghostly main street in Arlington and says, “yeah, it’s kind of sad,” there might be a little of trepidation in moving there. Near the end of the date, Chris took Jade to a high school football game, where Jade made the excuse that “that’s where all the people were,” as if she was convincing herself that if the “big football game” wasn’t being played, all the Arlingtonians would be out enjoying their liquor and froyo.
Whitney had the next date with Chris in De Moines, Iowa, where they went on quite possibly the most annoying date for any third party that had to be involved. That’s right, Chris and Whitney went place to place seemingly asking random people to take pictures of them kissing. Now I was going to write a list of things I would rather do than take a picture of a random couple doing mouth stuff with each other, but I realized that list would be inordinately long. Instead, I will say I would rather eat a bag of off brand Doritos while sitting on a curb than be asked to take those pictures. And if I was eating said bag of chips on the aforementioned curb and they asked me to do that, I would probably point to the bag, and say “busy.sorry.can’t.” and continue munching away.
Meanwhile, back at the house the girls — minus Jade — decided to road trip to Arlington. And the only thing I will say about that is I would love a girls perspective on when Kaitlyn, Carly and Becca all agreed that if they moved there they would immediately have kids, because…boredom? I don’t know if that’s just a female response to, “well, shit. I’ve got nothing else to do in this town, may as well get pregnant.” And maybe I’m just a little old fashioned, but how about you take up woodworking, or horseback riding, or the myriad of other hobbies you can do on a big ass farm, before you pop a kid into the world because you couldn’t think of anything else to occupy your time.
I honestly don’t even know what to say about Becca’s date. She was off and on with a guy for four years and didn’t have sex? If it’s a personal choice, cool. If not, then I don’t know how she can say, “I didn’t know what it was, but something was missing.”
The group date was a hockey date, where you could tell ABC was moving things along to get to the Britt and Carly drama, and low and behold Britt and Carly had drama. Rule #1 on this smutty show, you never ever rat someone out, which is exactly what Carly did. I get that we all have people in our lives who you think “If you only knew what I knew the truth about this person, you would keep your doors locked at night,” but on The Bachelor/ette it will only get you sent home. The only time when I would say it is acceptable, is if you are just in kamikazee mode, and don’t care about repercussions, which it seems Carly didn’t. In any case awkward exchanges occurred between Britt and Chris in front of Kaitlyn and Carly… which all led into last night’s episode…
Last night featured Britt getting sent home in tears, after threatening to leave. Part of me thinks that she was more upset about not winning more so than her not being able to live in Arlington. Carly also had to say goodbye, but good for her for making it as long as she did. It will be interesting to see at the “women tell all” whether or not Carly was just a jealous lunatic, or if other girls felt the same way about Britt. ← yes I just wrote that sentence.
I have probably never seen a more dull group of hometown dates, and maybe that was why it was a two night “special.” Becca’s was normal except for her sister, who clearly watches the show, asking about how Becca is going to handle the whole “fantasy suite” thing with her being a virgin and all. That is literally all you could take away from Becca’s hometown date.
Whitney’s hometown date took Chris to Chicago to see where Whitney works. For a brief moment, when Whitney was “messing” with Chris to see if he’d make a masculine deposit in the sperm cup, I thought he was going to look at the Playboy with Jade in it, and let me tell you, if I was ABC, I don’t know how you don’t find a copy of that Playboy and manufacture some great television drama. Not only would that ruin Whitney’s hometown date, but Chris would have to face Jade’s family knowing that she did some light porn. Alas, that didn’t occur, and Chris and Whitney went to have dinner with Whitney’s family.
This seems to happen every season: One of the contestant’s family members acts in a completely rational fashion and then are villainized by ABC using angry cello music, and the contestant throwing a tantrum and saying things like “please don’t ruin this for me!” Props to Whitney’s sister for saying that she would give her blessing when Whitney was the last girl standing, and not while Chris was dating three other women. The Bachelor is the only show/environment where it’s seemingly okay to ask someone’s family for their blessing in marriage, while the family knows you are in relationships with multiple other women. I don’t know a family in their right mind who wouldn’t kick out a guy where this conversation occurred:
Guy: Hi parents and siblings! My name’s Chris, and I am dating three people not even including your daughter! How bout that!? I know this is our first time meeting, and you know literally nothing about me, but I would like your blessing in marrying your daughter. How’s that sound? …What do you mean “get out of your house before a murder occurs?”
Kaitlyn’s hometown was next, and she rented out a recording studio and had Chris record a rap with her. Chris showcased his talent for having absolutely no rhythm or timing, and reminded me of this scene from The Jerk — without context it might not make sense, so go watch the whole thing.
After Kaitlyn’s bizarre divorced family reunion, Chris made his way to Jade’s hometown, where he figured out that playing “cornhole” has a different meaning for Jade. First of all, Jade’s brother with the weird facial hair looks like he’s definitely said, “Yeah well my sister was in Playboy!” to win an argument. After the dinner in which Chris was told by multiple people that Jade had her own “wild side,” Jade took Chris to what looked like a trashy motel to break the news. Now, I have never been in Playboy, nor will I ever be asked to be in Playboy unless they have an “average guys, under 6 ft” addition, however I can’t imagine breaking the whole “nude photos” thing to be as difficult as Jade made it out to be. For instance, “Hey Chris, when I moved to L.A. I was offered a job in Playboy. It’s was a really good deal, and a way for me to get my face in a reputable (read the articles) and well known magazine, so I did it.” Boom. Conversation over. Instead, Jade went with a weird “I did this thing where I said ‘yes’ to everything,” and made it sound like she was hooking for crack, and contracted multiple forms of hepatitis.
In the end Jade went home. Chris had a tough conversation, where he sounded like he was Porky Pig baked out of his mind, but I’m pretty sure he sent her home because of the nude pictures. Again, if Chris was just dating Jade, I’m sure he could’ve gotten over it, but this is Bachelor rules; It’s not that what Jade did was bad, it’s that there are three other women who haven’t shown their pubic regions to the 1.5 million subscribers to Playboy.
Holy hell, next week the ladies actually leave the country. I don’t even believe it!