Well the Bachelor just gave Deadwood, South Dakota it’s most exciting days in ages! In fact, I would venture a guess that not even HBO’s hit show, “Deadwood,” had so much of Deadwood’s vibrant, one-horse town on display. Well done ABC, we said we wanted more travel and exotic excitement, and you told us to take our delusions of faraway places and shove them right up Jade’s Playboy exposed a-hole.
Where we first left off, sociopathic Kelsey was having a “panic attack” on a tile floor, while an “on-sight” paramedic attended to her needs. Low and behold, nothing was wrong with Kelsey and she got time with Chris. The girls were obviously pissed off at Kelsey going into the rose ceremony, and why not? Some crazy bitch is going around talking about her dead husband and having fainting spells. This is no place for drama Kelsey! This should be the last uneventful rose ceremony with “who are you?” Samantha, and “Yeah, I named my son after a mixed green” Mackenzie, went home. After poor 21-year-old Mackenzie said that she thought she’d never find love, and everyone in America gave a “oh honey, you’re young and stupid” sigh, the group headed off to gorgeous Deadwood, South Dakota — and by gorgeous, I mean that it exists on a map.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have theory and it goes like this: Chris made sure that ABC “toned down” the exotic locations, so that when his ladies got to quaint little Arlington, Iowa, they wouldn’t be all “Uhh wtf Chris? This isn’t effing Bora Bora?” So Chris and the producers got together and had a little meeting about locations to film. The producers probably suggested places like Indianapolis and Madison, Wisconsin at first, but Chris was like “whoa, whoa, whoa! I said we need to tone.it.down. not ramp it up to 11!” The producers then probably said something along the facetious lines of, “What you wanna go to like Santa Fe?” and another scoffed and said, “Yeah, pffff, then we can go to Deadwood…” and before the latter producer could say “that would suck.” Chris was like “YES! NOW WE ARE FERTILIZING WITH GRADE 4 COW POO!” and thus began the trek across unseen America.
Once the ladies arrived in South Dakota, Whitney and Carly immediately ganged up on Kelsey who played the “Who’s a manipulative, possibly murdering psycho? Not little ol’ me?” card. I would like to point out, that it looked to be no earlier than 11 am, and both Carly and Whitney both were having wine poured by someone with the heaviest of hands.
Becca got the one-on-one date. Drinking and and shooting guns out in the forest sounds like the best date ever, but typically those things happen when a guy sends a text to his friends that says, “Hey, drink and shoot guns this weekend?” and everyone responds with a resounding, “Hell yeah!” In any case Becca held her own and apparently made Chris laugh and do things with his mouth.
A date card with the group date showed up, and the biggest thing it revealed was that the two crazies, Ashley I and Kelsey were going to the Badlands, for a two-on-one, to make for some damn good television. BUT FIRST, the group date saw the girls meet Big and Rich of that one song that College Gameday hasn’t gotten rid of, where they say “Yeah we’re commin’ to yer Citayyy” a bunch of times and everyone wants it to end. The girls went to the local watering hole, and were told they were going to write songs. Jade struggled writing a song until Big(?) took her on a run down the street. She then came back all ready to write a kick-ass country song, when she saw Chris kissing Britt in her teeth holder (Kaitlyn’s word, not mine), so which she said, “It’s hard to write a love song,” which in my personal opinion sounds like a perfect way to start a country music song. In fact, I would venture a guess that there are at least 3 country music songs with those lyrics.ABC had the most diabolical plan, for the rose at the end of the date. Chris, after choosing his rose receiver, would take them to a Big and Rich concert, while leaving all the other girls to sit by themselves. I cannot take credit for this, as my compadres who I watch with brought this up, but Chris and Britt were at that concert a lot longer than what ABC aired, while the other girls just sat there. And then Chris came back and acted like it was for the good of the girls that Britt got the rose in private. What he didn’t say was “I thought it would be better for you guys to sit here and drink alone while I took Britt to a country music show — albeit a Big and Rich show — where we got up on stage, and had the time of our lives. I mean people were actually applauding me while I just made out with this girl on stage. You can thank me later, but I was really looking out for you girls.” Obviously all the girls were in tears…well played ABC.
Next up was the two-on-one with the two lunatics. Never have I seen a two-on-one where I wasn’t rooting for one of the girls. For an obvious reason the date seemed uncomfortable from the get-go; like Chris knew he had to go on this date, when he would rather had been with any of the other girls.
In any case, both girls just totally sucked, and it didn’t even seem like a date. They took a helicopter to the middle of a desert, and just sat on a bed. Ashley I spilled the beans about Kelsey to Chris, who then went and told Kelsey, who then went and gave Ashley I the most murderous glare in the shows history. Then Ashley and Kelsey had some words, in which Ashley I said that she went “to grad school too ya know!” To which I pose this question: Not in college or in grad school were you able to find just a guy to sleep with? Cause the virgin thing does not appear to be by her choice. In the whole of her collegiate and graduate school attendance, there wasn’t just one drunken guy who was like “yeah, she seems nice?” In any case, Chris sent the snotty Ashley home and then went and dropped the hammer on Kelsey too. Bold move Chris, dumping Kelsey in the middle of a desert where no one can hear you scream. Chris did the right thing though, never again will he be able to dump a girl and get on a helicopter to gtfo.
Next week looks like the girls are actually astonished that Chris lives in a podunk town in Iowa. And I’m hoping that some are dramatic enough to actually cry over the thought of living in Arlington, Iowa, as if they can’t say “no,” and someone baited them into coming on the show.