Bachelor Season 19: Episode 5 Recap

The Bachelor

Thank you for this picture

What an eclectic group of psycho’s we have on this season of The Bachelor. First we had an actual crazy person with Ashley S. and now I do believe we have what is referred to as a “sociopath” with Kelsey.

The group went off to gorgeous Santa Fe, New Mexico, which prompted Megan to think she was leaving the country. “God I can’t wait to go to this new part of Mexico.” There are definitely people on the show who somehow squeeze through the cracks, and I can’t help wondering if Chris just doesn’t know who she is. Also, since when is Santa Fe a super romantic area to explore? I’m pretty sure if I surprised a girl with a trip to Santa Fe, I would get a perplexed look followed by a serious conversation about my monetary situation/status within our justice system.

Chris’ first date was the most uncomfortable television I’ve seen on the show, as it kind of reminded me of the movie Primal Fear. If you haven’t seen that movie, then you should check it out, as Richard Gere really shines. But basically ABC played sexual manipulator to Chris and Carly using a weird lady as a sexual medium. Carli and Chris were beginning to undress each other when finally one of them had the stones to say they were uncomfortable. Instead the two “undressed” each other with words. Carly then sat on Chris’ lap where they breathed on each other? After the televised “almost sexual assault,” Chris and Carly hung out and opened up to each other about some insecurities. Carly apparently dated a man who didn’t like to touch her. After Carly told Chris about the in-the-closet gay man she was dating, Chris, being the outstanding orator he is, said he was worried that once the girls saw where he lived, they wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. Here’s a solution Chris: carry around a giant picture of where you live at all times to make sure people remember that you live in the middle of nowhere and that there are probably not going to be any jobs in the freelance journalism/cruise singing/cosmetics/dance instruction…I will say, it would seem Jade can figure out how to make any career work.

This never happened. source: ABC

This never happened.
source: ABC

The next date was a group date where the girls went white water rafting down a river, and poor Jade fell in some frigidly cold water. I know how the whole thing could have been avoided…shell out some money ABC and go white water rafter in an area not in New Mexico. After the wild ride on the water, the girls made their way to what looked like the lobby of an Indian Casino — Again, ABC is really not dumping a lot of money into this show. Jordan — who was kicked off earlier in the season made her way back to the show. Good guy Chris allowed her to stay, for what reasons I don’t really know. Chris even told her that the “alcohol was a problem,” following that up with “and I like to drink.” So basically Chris, who lives in the middle of nowhere and who probably has a reason to drink, is telling the student that she needs to calm down. At that point you would think it would be done, but instead Chris let’s Jordan stay, promptly hears from all the girls why she should go and then sends her home. The whole date was a wash, Ashley I. once again gave you a reason not to like her. Ashley I. is an interesting case: she’s not necessarily smart enough to do anything incredibly manipulative, but she’s just bitchy and crazy enough to know that you hate her. Kudo’s to Mackenzie (I will only ever say that once) for calling Ashley I on her shit while Ashley was laying in bed crying. It’s not often you see a 21 year old with a son named “Kale” tell it like it is to a 26 year old virgin.

Before we get to the black widow named “Kelsey,” let’s briefly talk about Britt’s date with Chris. For starters, who in the hell sleeps in makeup? I don’t know a lot about the face canvas and the tools that females use on their skin, but I would imagine that pillows everywhere would be in danger wherever Britt sleeps. I also can’t really get a grasp on Britt. She seems genuinely nice, and into everything, but there is something that just seems a little off about her. Cool, you went in a hot air balloon death trap, and cool you got a rose and kissed a lot, W2G Britt!

The bachelor

Kelsey has crazy eyes.
Source: ABC

So Kelsey is crazy. And not in the “wow she’s crazy and I could watch her for hours,” crazy that Ashley S was. No, Kelsey is American Horror Story crazy. Here’s a little math, Kelsey’s late Husband was 42 when he died two years ago, which would put Kelsey at the age of 26. She met Sanderson at the tender age of 19, when Mr. Poe was a grizzled 35-year-old. I was incredibly hesitant to touch the whole widow thing but after Kelsey got wide-eyed and said “I love my story, I have such an incredible story,” I think I’ll rethink my stance. 1. It’s incredibly creepy to me how easily she talks about her husband dropping dead, and then goes right in and makes out with Chris — she definitely “played that card.” 2. The “I murdered my older husband” theory is definitely in-play. and 3. I seriously hope that no one goes to her for either guidance, or counseling, you crazy, crazy lunatic.

The show ended after Kelsey had a “panic attack” and was lying on the floor, leaving us with no rose ceremony and wondering…well honestly, wondering if Kelsey watched a little too much Dexter and murdered her husband. If there’s one thing to come out of this season it should be Ashley S’s new T.V. show “Who Am I?” and a “this story is based off real events” T.V. show about Kelsey’s life…something tells me she’ll love the story.

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