Bachelor Season 19 Recap: Episode 1

Yes, it’s that time of the year again, where I steal all of my friends jokes and claim them as my own. The Bachelor is back and is farm strong! Chris Soules is the newest man to subjugate himself to being wanted by 30 crazy girls, wanting to be a farm hand in Iowa.

The three hour premier began with an expose of Farmer Chris, riding his motorcycle in “God’s country,” which apparently is because God likes barren wastelands of corn and beans. If that’s God’s country than I-70 west is surely heaven, which does nothing to strengthen my faith. Chris’ profile included him farming, farming, and fishing on a farm. For the fishing scene especially it looked like the producers were like “Hey Chris, you fish?” and he was like “No not really.” And then they pushed the issue, so Chris was like “I guess it rained a lot last night, if you guys buy some poles, my dad and I can act like we’re fishing in a giant puddle.” And why would that not be good enough for producers? The other thing that was made very apparent was that in small-town, Arlington Iowa, there are apparently zero females. It’s like some post-sperm apocalypse nightmare, where no one is able to have girl babies.

Next we got a few profiles of some of the girls: Kelsey, a 28-year-old widow…bummer. A girl who lives at home with her mother and seems like she is the emotional equivalent of a 5-year-old, and Jillian, a news producer who can apparently dead lift 4 of me. If Chris picks Jillian he can throw out the Ox, because Jillian has some thighs made for plowing fields.

As we trudged through Chris Harrison talking to former contestants, finally got to the limo arrivals, where the girl’s flaws are put on public display for a good old metaphorical stoning. Throughout the years, the limo arrivals have gotten more and more ridiculous. The first girl to standout was fertility nurse, Whitney. Not because she did anything clever or that outstanding, but because — based on her voice — her first cousin is Beaker from the muppets. I was astonished at how many people had jobs that seemingly wouldn’t work in a town with a population of 400. I’d really like to see Ashley I. try to get the scoop as a freelance journalist in Arlington, Iowa: This just in, Marsha and Vern are still sitting on their porch!

In case anyone is keeping score, ABC had a sort of a revelatory moment last year when they tried to diversify the contestants, even if it wasn’t by much, well apparently ABC has had a nice race relapse as Amber seems to be the only girl who might not come from a white background, and even that is saying a lot.

And while we’re at it, who was the a-hole who green lit a plus size model? Holy shit, what a dick move. “Hey you’re on the better part of 100 lbs, how would you like to come hangout with a bunch of girls that don’t eat? Not good at all? What’s that, your name is ‘Bo?’ You are going to make my career.” In the shallowest shows of them all, sometimes even The Bachelor surprises me with its dick moves.

Crazy Clare has a new avatar and it’s Crazy Ashley, and she might even blow Crazy Clare out of the water, especially with her onion antics. It looked like she took 3 xanax, washed it down with some Svedka and took a trip to crazy town. I know what most of you are thinking: I mentioned alcohol so I have to go after Tara, the drunk who’s best friends are Jim, Jack and insecurity. But to be fair, after seeing that the whole cocktail party took until the morning — and I’m not talking about dawn, I’m talking like 6-7 o’clock, then hell yeah I’d be tired too. Even if I had nothing to drink, I would be on the fast track to sleepytown.

I also like how good guy Chris stopped the rose ceremony and was like “I really liked this girl but she is just wasted, ehh whatever, she’s probably a good time.”

Quick hitters

Why do Chris’ high school friends who were in high school with him, look like they are 40 years old?

Michelle Money called Britt out about not showering? How about a spoiler alert next time, ya betch.

I don’t think Kaitlyn will win, but hot damn is she funny. She’s like the friend that you wouldn’t want to get rid of, so that she could vet the rest of the girls.

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