And just like that, Bachelor in Paradise has concluded, but not without it’s photo finish. Although we are now relegated to normal television for the next four-five months, BiP went out with a bang, and then another bang, and another, and according to Michelle she banged all night, so it went out with multiple bangs. Let’s get to it.
As we left our contestants last week, they were coupled off, and told that the following day would include a shocking new twist. Based on the previews last week, I thought that there would be some sort of horrific twist that resulted in all of the contestants in tears, and throwing tantrums, instead, the “big twist” was you either continue dating, or you leave paradise…Wut? That’s like the easiest twist ever. All you have to do is continue dating. Instead, our brainy contestants started dropping like flies. First Graham and “Murder Eyes” AshLee broke up, then Zack and Jacki, and then Tasos and Christi had the most nonchalant breakup ever. They were literally like, “See this going anywhere?” “Nope, you?” “Nope,” “k, see ya.”
Michelle also had a hard decision — and I use that term loosely — on whether or not to stay with big baby Cody. So she called her daughter for some advice. Michelle called her daughter, Brielle (rhymezone!), and asked what she would do. Some people may have made the same mistake as our little watching party in assuming Brielle was at least in the 7th or 8th grade, because that would seem like the age where a girl would come to the logical conclusion where “it doesn’t matter what a boy looks like, so long as he’s a good person.” Well little Brielle isn’t a wise 14-year-old. No, she’s five, and more mature than half the people on the show.
The couples that did stay were Marcus and Lacy (gag me please), Robert and Sarah, and Michelle and Cody. What extreme challenge did the couples have to do that stayed? They had to spend the night in a fantasy suite. That’s right, those people who broke up, missed out on staying the night in a luxury hotel room on ABC’s dime. Way to go.
The next morning was all rainbows and sunshine for the couples, especially Michelle and Cody who apparently banged their way to happiness. In fact Michelle went so far as to say she was really sore, and satisfied, and Cody said he marked some things off of his bucket list — something tells me he trudged up the mud river, if you get my drift.
Sarah, however, after learning of the physical nature of the other couples night was none to pleased with Robert, who apparently slept in his jeans. I don’t know if he didn’t have any other clothes, but jeans are uncomfortable to sleep in regardless of where you are. Sarah rightfully addressed this with Robert, and he seemed like he was trying to care, but just couldn’t. I bet Sarah wishes she picked Brooks now!
After the contestants met the only other three successful Bachelor/ette couples, they had their rose ceremony, where Marcus proposed to Lacy. Why?Why?Why?…Not only does this guy say “I love you” after the first date, but also decides to propose to the girl after three weeks. I wonder what else he does prematurely.
Hold on to your hats for the next four months, as good guy Chris is bound to be a great Bachelor!