Bachelor In Paradise: Week 5

Bachelor in paradise marcus

Marcus and Lacy wade their way through bat shit.
Source: ABC

I apologize for the lateness of this recap, but I was mourning the loss of fan favorite contestant Brooks. I mean seriously, I realize he’s definitely a wild card in terms of ladies leaving their man for him, but put that guy on the first episode for heaven’s sake! Anywho here’s what happened.

Let’s hop right in on Marcus and Lacy’s date, where they waded through a cave filled with bats. Just a side bar, this date is basically my nightmare. I hate bats, I dislike the dark, and couple that with Lacy, and I think I’ve actually had that nightmare before. I’m wondering why it didn’t cross their minds about where those bats go to the bathroom, because their not in some magical cave where gravity doesn’t exist and the bat shit suddenly flies up. That’s right Lacy and Marcus, your love knows no boundaries, even wading through bat shit infested waters.

sarah bachelor in paradise

Source: ABC

The next guy to enter was Brooks, from Desiree’s season. Brooks who I have on good authority is just a nice guy, greeted and shook hands with everyone, while Sarah began to panic. Why did Sarah panic? Because –shocker– she came here to meet Brooks, but is already “in a relationship” (and I say that loosely), with Robert. In fact, Sarah got so worked up that she began to cry. That’s right, before even saying words to Brooks she began to cry because he was “in paradise,” which brings me to a side bar point: How many times did these contestants say “paradise” when they were describing where they are? Mex-i-co. You are in Mexico, stop acting like ABC flew you out to some unknown exotic island, where no one can find you, you’re a quick 2 hour flight from Texas for God’s sake.

Anyway, Brooks, being the good guy that he is, talked to the other guys on the show to figure out who was taken, and get this, Brooks wanted to take Sarah. That’s right Brooks picked the most normal girl on the show to take on the date, but didn’t because Robert said he would kill him. So Brooks, again being the good guy, took Jackie on the date.

During the date they shared some laughs, Brooks quoted the movie Castaway, which was pretty sweet. They played some foosball, and seemingly had a good time, until they got home and simple Zack wasn’t happy about Brooks sniping Jackie out from under him and had a fit and went to bed.

Christy bachelor in paradise

Source: ABC

The next day Michelle had a talk with Cody about how strong his feelings were for her, and he apologized, and actually this was made to be a bigger deal than it probably was. Tasos was the next male to arrive. He wanted to take Michelle on a date, and she talked to him and basically told him that she was with Cody. During Michelle and Tasos talking to each other Cody began pouring water all over his body like a lunatic, which was bizarre because everyone else seemingly acted like this was normal behavior. Tasos ended up taking Christy on a date, much to the chagrin of Jesse. Christy seemed to have a good time, and I wonder how much of it was to spite Jesse, who she said was an *a**d***c***,”at least that’s what I assume the said.

A whole bunch of nothing happened after this, expect for simple Zack and Jackie rekindling their relationship, and honestly they probably deserve each other.

Jesse bachelor in paradise

Source: ABC

At the rose ceremony Jesse decided to leave on his own, and you know what, I have no problem with what he did. He basically was on a glorified vacation. He came to Mexico, drank his face off, had a three way, and went on home. I understand Christy was mad, but here’s the thing, she was apparently part of that whole minage a trios, and she didn’t seem to have a problem with it then.

In the end Brooks went home, and of course he did because everyone on that show is insane. Next weeks episode doesn’t have anymore roses, but ends in almost everyone crying which leads me to believe that one of three things happen:

1. By agreeing to go on the show, everyone inadvertently agreed to give their first born to Chris Harrison.

2. ABC brings family members down to “paradise” and Sophie’s Choices the contestants.

3. Chris Harrison spends the whole time with his pants off, which prompts everyone to cry and exclaim “I never should have come here.”

Here’s to next week!

 

 

 

 

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