What’s that Bachelor in Paradise? You want to do a two night special, resulting in me writing a recap the length of some of my college finals? Well let’s play ball you damn dirty show.
Where do we begin? The show takes up right where it left off: With Michelle crying. I know that’s pretty vague because she’s always crying. In fact, I think she cries more than she doesn’t cry. Being a little more specific, the show picked up after the last rose ceremony when Chris and Elise (apparently I’ve been spelling it wrong) left to go have a three week long relationship in Chicago.
The motley group of idiots made their way back home, when low and behold baby Cody shows up with date card in hand. Cody wanted to take Clare on a date, mainly because I think he knew the combination of Clare + ocean = coitus. After Clare denied him, for Zach, Cody decided to give his date card to Marucs, so he and Lacy could continue their love fest. In fact, Marcus took this opportunity to drop his most famous line, “I love you.” yes Mr. I fall in love after three weeks is at it again, after learning absolutely nothing from his time on Andi’s season. The baffling thing, is this actually seems to work with Lacy as she eats.it.up.
The next guy to come on the show was Kalon, who was generally an ass, and actually proves that narcissists have no problem saying they are narcissists. Not only was he not able to get anyone to go on a date with him, but he also decided to just say, “fuck it” and go on the date by himself. And honestly, why not? I mean you were just flown down to Mexico, no one likes you in the house already, you may as well just make the most of your time, regardless of how much of an ass he is.
The next guy to enter was Jesse, who apparently was a playboy, and everybody knows it. That didn’t stop him from taking Jackie on a quintessential Bachelor date: dinner in a cave, and a no-name band playing a private show. If you have a move that kind of works, sometimes, then I guess stick to it?
After Jackie and Jesse said at least three words to each other, AshLee got herself in a little trouble with Clare after she told Zach that Clare had s.e.x. in the ocean with Juan Pablo. After Clare confronted her and basically said, “What happens in Nam stays in Nam.” It’s safe to say Ms. A-lee made a few enemies going into the rose ceremony.
During the rose ceremony the show cut off with Ashlee calling Graham’s name and he panicked and walked away, only to be consoled by “no body likes me” Michelle. Michelle has essentially become as self-deprecating as a Jewish comic, and her face — at least during the rose ceremony — had turned into some sort of 18th century impressionistic painting. Everyone assumed Graham was freaking out because Ashlee is seemingly crazy, but I think Graham was having a bad reaction to some food or drink. Why do I think this? Because Lacy also had the same sort of reaction minutes later. Everyone on the show must be doctors though because of course the only explanation was that Ashlee had put some kind of magical witch spell on them to make them sweat and puke.
And as for Marcus, who apparently calls the squad at the slightest inkling of nausea, what a softy douche. My goodness, his girlfriend got drunk and puked, and in all honesty, calling the Mexican ambulance puts her at risk of a good old fashion kidney theft. It was funny when even the Mexican EMT’s had a look on their faces that said, “Ees dees girl freekeeng keedeeng?” In any case, we said goodbye to Marquel, because Jackie is an idiot.
The next girl to arrive was Christy, who as far as I can tell is also not bright…like at all. And she also is a raging alcoholic, and came to party. In fact, her first line to Zach was, “Nice to meet you sober,” which lasted for about all of five minutes. Christy took Jesse on a date, and where did they go? To down shots of tequila. Just listening to Christy talk was enough to make me want her to be in the same room with Elise, but that will have to happen after they both have their own shows.
After Sarah and Robert went on a date, and after Cody basically fell in love with Michelle, Clare and Zach talked and Clare left the show on her own merit. It really was probably an overreaction on Clares part as she just didn’t realize how dimwitted Zach was/is. In any case, see you later Clare.
The next girl to come was Lucy the “free spirit,” who immediately shed her clothes and got the attention of everyone sporting a pair of testicles. She asked Jesse on a date to which he replied, “fhadsaYEAH!” Their date wasn’t that monumental, as we had seen the same ruins at least 3-4 times, but Jesse loved confessing that he wanted Lucy to take her top off. This also was the first date where hand stuff was basically confirmed, and probably recorded.
After the date Jesse went straight to Christy and drunkenly — and I mean BOMO (blackout makeout) — made out with her. Jesse and Christy made their way back to Christy’s room where Lucy joined them for a little three’s company action. This of course was hinted at because it’s still ABC and not HBO, but we all knew what happened.
As I hobble across the finish line, Jesse ended up choosing Christy over Lucy and why not? Unless you’re loaded and don’t care that your future girlfriend or wife we’ll probably sleep with a bunch of other dudes, then of course, of course you go with the dumb alcoholic blonde.
Good lord that was a lot, and guess what, I’m not going to proof read, because if there’s anything that the bachelor has taught me, it’s that not giving a fuck about your product, sometimes equals the best product out there.