Week 3 of BiP is in the books, and it would seem that the show’s primary import is still crazyness. This week was the first week that we saw some legitimate couples form bonds, which put the spotlight on the other more tumultuous relationships.
The episode started right after the rose ceremony which saw Dylan sent home and Elyse present a monologue seemingly written by a five-year-old child. Elyse began explaining that she meant to pick Chris and could see an opportunity to “fall in love” with him. This was also the point in the episode where Elyse began her rainbows and storms metaphors, which she continued using throughout the episode — she’s such an academic.
Also after the rose ceremony, Michelle showed her delusional side saying that her and Marquel had a connection and were both attracted to one another. This came at the heals of Marquel calling her a borderline alcoholic, so of course there has to be a connection.
The first newcomer to come on the show was Danielle, who was known for speaking an average of .25 wpa (words per episode) when she was on the Bachelor. It was surprising when she was not only able to get out more than five words at one time, but also put them in the order of an actual coherent sentence. Danielle invited Marquel on her date, much to the chagrin of Michelle, who said she now felt “alone and rejected,” by the man calling out her drinking problem. Michelle wasn’t down for too long though, as she pulled a regular kindergarten move, basically saying, “F*** Marquel. I like Robert now.”
I’m going to gloss over Marquel and Danielle’s date, mainly because nothing really happened. Danielle formed words again, and Marquel stayed a good four feet away from her at all times. I had a more eventful date in 8th grade watching Bullet Proof Monk starring Chow Yun-Fat.
Elyse got the next date card, and why not? She’s always good for some cringe worthy behavior. Elyse obviously asked Chris, who she’s now falling in love with, and Chris happily obliged, until — wait for it — he tears his meniscus! Maybe I don’t know Mexico as well as I think I do, but I was always under the assumption that you could get some pretty hardcore painkillers in Mexico. Low and behold though, Chris was seemingly in agony for the next few days.
Chris also had a pretty epic confessional where he was talking about how much pain he was in before the date, and then ended by saying, “I’m always horny.” Attaboy Chris, when life gives you lemons, you align those lemons in the shape of a vagina and try to have sex with it.
Chris and Elyse ended up having dinner, getting in a pool and spending the night with each other, and I don’t know what Elyse did to make Chris look past her glaring flaws, but in the words of Nick V from Andie’s season, I bet it was some “fiance type stuff.”
I have a slight confession this week. I may have had two glasses of wine, okay three. Fine, it was five. Five glasses of wine and a beer after a stressful day, so sue me. Anyways, I stopped taking notes — yes, I take notes — after Chris’ Mexican hospital visit, therefore I will be recapping the rest of the episode by memory, so forgive me for any miscues.
The next girl to enter the episode was Jackie, which begs the question, why the producers thought it was a good move to introduce two new girls who have probably spoken the least amount of words on the show in it’s 17 season run. Jackie also decided to hop on the Marquel train, and take him on a date to some ruins, and surprise, surprise, Marquel stepped out of the friend-zone and actually made a move on a girl, albeit, in one of the most awkward ways, but he still got.it.done.
Back at the resort, Michelle and Clare decided to have a double date with Zack and Robert, which led Sarah to tears. Am I the only one who thinks that Sarah’s arm gets a too much airtime? It’s one thing for it to appear every once in awhile, but I can think of maybe one time where I’ve seen Sarah’s right side. In fact if you watch closely, you almost never see any of the other contestants forearms, but when Sarah is on screen, you see her arm getting TMZ type coverage. They literally were cutting Robert’s head out of the frame at one point to fit her arm in. It just seems like a tired ploy, and if the show had any taste they would make it a none-issue, rather than seemingly campaigning for her arm to get it’s own Twitter page.
In the end Danielle got sent home, and Chris and Elyse left on their own accord to start their four-day relationship. Michelle got a pity rose from Chris to continue staying on the show, and if I have any sort of precognitive ability — and I like to think I do — Michelle is going to go freaking crazy next in the next two episodes trying to find a companion.