Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 2

IMG_3186The ridiculousness continues on BiP. You know a show is insane when one of the craziest contestants on a previous season, is seemingly the sane one on an island of stage five clingers, and lunatics.

A week has past since we last left our contestants and apparently a lot has changed. They’ve been drinking and partying their little faces off, and apparently people are “falling in love,” albeit at one another moreso than with each other. This week the newcomers included Chris, who is an apparent playboy, and Zach, who, according to Clare, is a “cool guy.”

Date 1

Who: Chris and Clare

What: Couples Massage

Of note: Chris tried to dispel his “playboy,” image and get real with Clare, this was followed by an ass massage (only televised in the previews) from Chris. Clare

After Clare and Chris’ date, Marcus was finally able to take Lacy on a date, and effectively steal her away from Robert.

Date 2

Who: Marcus and Lacy

What: A canoe ride with a tribesman wearing a loin clothe

Of Note: Marcus seemed to be on the cusp of saying “I love you,” and why wouldn’t he be? When you’ve got a go-to move, you may as well use it over and over and over and over and over again. Does Lacy have a “Lacy” eye? I’m pretty sure yes.

IMG_3188The meat and potatoes of the episode surrounded the drama between Dylan and Elyse. Elyse narrated over a dream sequence of her and Dylan, ending with her saying that she’s falling in love with him, and letting everyone know not to send your child to whatever school where she works. Elyse’s love narrative was followed by Dylan essentially saying that he feels smothered and that she’s always around cramping his sloth-like style. This prompted Dylan to tell Elyse to explore other options, and thus setting her master-plan in motion.

Elyse, in her genius state, decided the best way to make Dylan love her back, was to do hand stuff in the ocean with Chris. Dylan processed the ocean makeout sessionthe only way he knew how: sleep.

The next morning Dylan confronted Elyse basically saying that when he said “explore other people,” he didn’t mean with tongues. This prompted Elyse to say, “You are literally killing me,” proving once again, if you are a mother and find out that Elyse is your child’s teacher, switch districts immediately.

Chris popped up once again, calling Dylan “Fat Damon.” A joke I can only assume took him twenty minutes to concoct. This leads us to the next two dates:

Date 3

Who: Clare and Zach

What: A romp through a market

Of Note: Clare saying that it feels like she’s exploring her culture. I get that she is half Mexican, but she looks like she’s from a nordic territory.

Date 4

Who: Sarah and Dylan

What: Dinner?

IMG_3189Of note: Sarah had to ask permission from Elyse to go on the date. Elyse responded that she felt like she was in a shark tank, which made me think of if she was actually on the show Shark Tank, and what this special special person would invent.


While Sarah and Dylan were on their date, Marcus found a letter in Ben’s stuff that he said he spilled water on, which I believed for all of three seconds. Marcus then went and talked to Ben about the letter, which turned into everyone berating Ben for having a girlfriend and coming on this show. I pose the question: what the heck is everyone so mad about? He met a girl a little over a week before he came on a show where he could hangout with some people he knows, and travel to Mexico drink for free. I’m sorry but you would have to be a real saint to turn that down. The whole thing resulted in Ben going home.

The rose ceremony — which should be renamed “the flower ceremony” — provided a great monologue from Elyse after getting turned down by Dylan, who in the end got sent home.

Quickest Slant

– How about Marquel accusing Michelle of drinking too much, while drinking himself, and then turning around and getting a rose from her? Somebody knows how to play her game. Well done cookie monster.





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