Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 1

Bachelor in Paradise

Source: ABC

My suspicions were correct. Bachelor In Paradise is one of the most outrageous shows I’ve seen. The format is perfect for anyone with even the slightest mental issues to go bat-shit insane. It’s flat out entertaining. Because of the sporadic nature of the show, I’m going to try a new format for recaps, and keep these as concise as possible, because believe me, I could write pages upon pages about this show. But for now let’s just dive into the mass manipulation that is The Bachelor In Paradise.

For those who didn’t watch, the premise of this show is that there are male and female contestants from previous bachelor and bachelorette seasons. Each week there is a rose ceremony with the guys picking girls one week and then the girls picking guys the next week. There are an odd number of girls and guys, so each week at least one person is sent home — I’m not making this up — thus the only way to stay on the show is to slut around and hope one of the girls/guys picks you to stay.

This week the guys were Marquel, Marcus, Dylan, Graham, Robert, and Ben, and the girls were Elise, Lacy, Crazy Clare, (Apparently) even Crazier AshLee, Sarah, Daniella, and Michelle K, to begin with. Six guys, with seven girls, meaning one girl would be going home.

Lacy Bachelor In Paradise

Source: ABC

No more than five minutes after the rules were explained did Lacy shed her top to reveal her big… ideas to get Robert in the ocean. The way Lacy used her huge…brain throughout the episode was impressive.

As the night progressed, we got a hint at the melancholy that “I love you” Marcus was going through after his break up with Andi. He decided to go swimming alone at night, wearing what Crazy Clare described, “tighty orangies!” (referring to his swim suit). Lacy once again showed off her enormous…I.Q. and decided to cast a wide net, by joining Marcus in the ocean, while Robert watched from a balcony.

The next morning the first date card came, which had Crazy Clare’s name on it. She decided to pick Graham, and why not, he seems like a nice enough guy. Little did Clare know that someone even crazier than her was on this show. That’s right, when Clare asked Graham on a date it caused AshLee to go on a tirade in which she stormed off into a bathroom, and began talking to herself about how stupid and ugly Clare was. Way to go Ash, you get that mean Clare.

Clare tried to match AshLee’s insanity, by then crying by herself. I will say shame on the producers for trying to make it seem like Clare was talking to a raccoon when she clearly was talking to someone either behind a camera or another contestant. There’s no need to manufacture added crazy on this show.

Bachelor in Paradise Girls

Source ABC

After her cry session, Clare decided it would be best to take Robert on the date and not Graham. And good for her for not only being the bigger person, but also insuring that she wouldn’t as Daniella put it, “get murdered in her sleep.”

Halfway through the episode a new girl was introduced, and it was Michelle Money, meaning that not one, but two girls would be going home. This was also the point in the episode where Marquel decided to talk.

As the rose ceremony approached Marcus’ achieved the status of super pussy. After swimming in the ocean alone again, he said that he felt a connection with Lacy, but also knew that she was into Robert. Yes, the girl who can barely stand on her own two feet apparently has two guys mesmerized with her big ideas.

The rose ceremony provided some drama when — in classic 7th grade fashion — Marcus got to give Lacy the rose before Robert. Which of course means that Marcus now owns her as property. As for the other girls, Michelle K left on her own, and Daniella was the lone girl left without a rose.

Dates

– Clare took Robert to some ruins and they walked around. Nothing major happened except that Clare made Robert take pictures of her, and Robert totally didn’t kiss Clare.

– Sarah took Marcus to an underground lagoon where they jumped in the water, began treading water, then jumped in again. and Marcus gave Sarah what I can only describe as a pity kiss.

– Michelle took Marquel on a horseback stroll on the beach. This prompted Marquel to say “I’ve never even touched a horse before.” Well I guess there’s a first time for everything. I also don’t know if Marquel will ever get out the friend zone.

Quick Hitters

– Elise made her way onto the show by slowly climbing down some stairs in some large shoes. It took her a long time, and she even had to sit down. It wasn’t until after she met Chris Harrison that she figured out she could take off her shoes. Genius.

– How about Clare on her date saying “I don’t know what a vista is, but we walked onto a vista,” and Sarah, during her cave diving excursion with Marcus saying that the walked into an “oasis.” I expect stuff like that from Clare, but come on Sarah.

– Lacy also displayed her gigantic affinity for math when she said that when it came to her liking both Robert and Marcus, she was 80/40.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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