The Bachelorette Finale

Andi bachelorette

Source: ABC

The Bachelorette wrapped up last night, and oh what a season it was. There were Hy’s (I went there) and lows and everything in between. In the end Andi picked the former professional baseball player, Josh, to be her future former husband. Last night was not without its hiccups though, as we saw Nick’s crazy side come out — especially in the post-show ceremony — but we will get to that after the episode recap:

Last night’s episode saw both Nick and Josh meeting Andi’s parents, and more specifically asking Andi’s father, Hy — yes, his name is Hy — for permission to marry Andi. Now for those of us who watched Juan Pablo’s dismal season, we got to see Andi’s father play the role of the “hard-ass, he might be in the mafia,” parent, and I expected no less from Hy this season. However, what occurred to me at about the time that Josh was sweating through his unbuttoned shirt, was that Hy freaking loves this show. The guy is like TNT: he just knows drama. Anytime one of Andi’s men walked through the door, Hy did his best to scare the hell out of them, then reaffirmed his suspicions in a confessional, and just when we thought papa Dorfman was about to give them the ax, he goes and says he loves them and would be happy to call either one of them his son in law. Let me just recap this: Hy provided plot, conflict, climax, and resolution twice within the first hour of the show. I can think of a few television shows that should hire him as a consultant — coughTheLeftoverscough.

Hy Bachelorette

The Godfather himself.
Source: ABC

Other than Nick being painfully nervous and skittish, not a whole lot happened when the boys met the Dorfmans. I was slightly concerned that Andi’s sister couldn’t speak at one point, but a simple “mhm,” and head nod confirmed that she did in fact have vocal cords.

Josh’s date went off without a hitch, and you kind of got a feel for who Andi was going to pick when they were laughing at dinner — seemingly at nothing — for a good five minutes (ah, the simple life). By the time it was Nick’s turn for a date, the door was all but shut for the Chicagoan. Maybe it was the remote location for their date — where no one could hear you scream — or maybe it was Nick’s quiet demeanor, but the more airtime Nick got, the more I thought he had murder in his eyes.

Josh bachelorette

Source: ABC

After the date it was time for both men to get ready to either get on one knee or get sent home. While Josh had the pleasure of picking out a ring, Nick got the unfortunate “house call” from Andi. After Andi sent a few daggers straight into Nick — the worst of which being her telling Nick that she liked what she had with Josh more than with Nick — Nick got up and lef…wait no, he sat there and continued to babel about their relationship for at least twenty minutes. I’ve said it before, but ending a 10 week relationship, where you know the person you “love” is also seriously dating and/or sleeping with a bunch of other guys should not elicit the “you’ve ruined my world” emotion.

After Nick finally said goodbye. Josh put on his super tiny suit, and made his way to propose to Andi, after saying  “babe” to each other no less than eight times in a three minute span, they sat by the sunset and lived happily ever afNOT SO FAST! Nick is back in the picture and acting creepier than ever.

Nick bachelorette

Source: ABC

Apparently — much to the pleasure of Chris Harrison — Nick has been seething over losing Andi, and wanted to talk to her again, so of course it only makes sense for ABC to allow a one-on-one conversation between Andi and the guy who she’s been denying for the past few weeks. What on earth could go wrong? How about Nick bringing up fantasy suite sex, saying things like “I mean, that was some fiance type stuff,” which I will let the readers mind deduce that means. In the end, Nick came off as super creepy, and Andi basically lawyered him after he accused her of using sex as a weapon. The end of the show confirmed my suspicions of Chris Harrison’s feelings toward Andi, after he told her, “I love you so much.” Bold move Chris. Bold. Move.

ABC should be paying me for what I’m about to say, but my biggest takeaway from last night is how damn happy I am that ABC decided to sit down and say, “Guys, we have had some nut-bags on this show. I’m talking some clinically insane people who are easily angered, sexually deviant and manipulative, and also have attachment issues. Is there a way we can get all those people together in an isolated environment, fuck with their minds, and just watch what happens?” The answer is yes, and I couldn’t be more thrilled that Bachelor In Paradise begins next Monday. And here I thought I was going to have to start writing NCIS recaps…

 

 

 

 

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Bachelorette Recap: Week 8

Josh bachelorette

My money is on Josh to be the future ex Mr. Andi Dorfman.
Source: ABC

Week 8 is in the books, and what a snorefest it was. Had I known that so little happens in the DR, I wouldn’t have been so jealous of my friends taking spring break trips there. This week were the dates with the fantasy suites on the line, where the final three contestants get an option to get inside Andi…’s room and spend the night with her, where no camera’s are allowed — meow!

As previously mentioned, this week’s dates took Andi and her three men to the Dominican Republic, which I can only assume meant that the producers decided to ditch the lucrative islands of Belize and Bora Bora, to go with a more “down to earth” destination, where rum is a little cheaper.

A gorgeous view of a tree from Andi's room. Source: ABC

A gorgeous view of a tree from Andi’s room.
Source: ABC

Andi’s first date was with Nick, where they took…wait for it…a helicopter ride. Andi would not let Nick forget “how cute it was,” that it was his first time on a helicopter saying, “I can’t believe this is your first helicopter ride,” no less than three times. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Andi has any room to be on a high horse when it comes to riding in a helicopter. If Juan Pablo had not found her mouth irresistible, and instead, had cut her in the first few rounds, I think there is little chance that she would be a helicopter expert. Maybe smug Nick should be with smug Andi.

Andi's first De Niro face of the episode. Source: ABC

Andi’s first De Niro face of the episode.
Source: ABC

After landing on their own private island, viewers got to see Nick and Andi do adult stuff in the ocean, which featured a plethora of shots including views from a camera on a boat, a camera on the land, and a camera on a helicopter hovering right above them — talk about production value! Nick then talked about his feelings, and at dinner gave Andi a book, that looked to be illustrated by a twelve-year-old, but like, a twelve-year-old with artistic talent. Andi gave Nick the key to her va…cation island suite– with Chris Harrison’s blessing of course — and Nick obviously obliged.

Josh’s date followed Nick’s, and once again, not much happened. Andi and Josh perused the town of Santa Domingo, and Josh drank some natural male enhancer? Thank goodness Andi isn’t fluent in Spanish. After a rousing game of stick ball, Andi and Josh made their way to Casa De Campo, where Josh told Andi in eloquent style, “I feel stuff for you.” He’s a real orator. Josh also got Chris Harrison’s blessing to spend some time in Andi’s pink…curtained, suite.

Chris right before one final desperation, "I'm in love with you." Source: ABC

Chris right before one final desperation, “I’m in love with you.”
Source: ABC

Chris had the final date, and let me just premise by asking how much would it suck to be the third guy on these fantasy suite dates? I mean if you actually do make it to the final three, you have to go through the date knowing that your future ex-wife/ex-fiance has just been soiled by two other dudes. Let’s say by some miracle you actually do get married and have kids and you have to explain to your children that you “knew your wife was the one for you, right after she spent the night with two other dudes.” Andi’s date with Chris was painful in so many ways:  She picked to go to a DR farm, I can only assume because that’s all she knows about Chris. Then Chris daintily ran off — a phrase I never thought I would write — to play a game of hide and seek with Andi. At the end of the date Andi decided that Chris was not the man for her, which prompted Chris to try one more desperation, “I love you,” but alas, he went home. For a second though, I would like to salute Chris for having a stand-up exit. He didn’t get overly emotional, he said what needed to be said, and was just that overall good guy that we’ve come to know and love. Here’s to hoping he’s the next bachelor.

Barring Andi sporting baby bump, I’m not writing about the “Men Tell All,” because, well, nothing really happens. Here’s to hoping Andi’s father provides some much needed entertainment in two weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

Bachelorette Recap: Week 7, Hometowns

Marcus bachelorette

Source: ABC

Week seven is in the books folks, and oh what a week it was. Hometown dates always offer a great amount of content that is just generally ridiculous — albeit apparently not as ridiculous as what happens in the fantasy suite next week (wink, wink). Yes, Nick, Chris, Josh, and Marcus all got to show off Andi to their mothers and fathers and, in Nick’s case, his sister, sister, brother, sister, brother, brother, sister, sis…I’m exhausted already, let’s get to it.

Nick’s hometown date with Andi was first on the docket, and he got to show her all that Milwaukee has to offer — spoiler alert: it’s not an active culture. Nick’s day-date with Andi was seemingly pretty bland. He took Andi to a brewery and they drank beer and danced to polka, which resulted in Andi’s first De Niro face of the episode.

Andi Dorfman

Source: ABC

After drinking and dancing, Nick took Andi to meet his family, and boy, do Nick’s mom and dad love to procreate. Nick has ten siblings, which isn’t overwhelming at all. In fact it was so not overwhelming, that Andi totally didn’t whip out her De Niro face for almost the entire dinner. At one point during the date, Nick’s younger sister, Bella, took Andi aside to ask her a few questions about her and Nick. After a few mundane questions, Bella dropped a bomb on Andi, asking if she loved her brother. Andi replied that she thought Nick was amazing, and generally dodged the question. But what happened next was nothing short of a Usual Suspect’s plot twist: Bella was a spy for Nick all along, and not only was she playing espionage with Andi, but she is also the worst spy ever. Bella couldn’t remember the answers to any of the questions she asked, and she also led Nick astray by telling him that Andi said she loved him, only to take the rug out from under him by saying that Andi actually said she just “liked” him. All of this leads me to believe that Bella is not just a spy, but in fact, a double agent. Well played Bella, you’re a regular spook.

chris bachelorette

Farmer Chris
Source:ABC

Chris’s hometown date was next on the docket and it took Andi to Arlington, Iowa, which generally looks like you’re driving on i-70 west. Chris showed Andi his home, and gave her a speech almost straight from the Lion King, saying something along the lines of “Everything the light touches is mine.” Chris then did what any responsible farmer would do, and took Andi out on his big green tractor. Andi seemed excited, and I wish Chris had said something along the lines of, “that’s great because we have to do this for the next 4-6 hours,” but he didn’t. Instead, Chris had Andi hop on his lap and let her drive.

After their tractor ride, Chris and Andi had a picnic in the freshly plowed field, which I’m sure was great for Andi’s already atrocious allergies. Chris then told Andi about all the opportunity (singular) there is in Arlington, when he said, “There’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” Oh wow Chris, a homemaker? Where do I sign up for that? Are there recruiters for this heavily sought after profession? Needless to say Andi did not look pleased. Andi also dropped the bomb on Chris that she’s not just a city girl, saying, “I was born in the city, but I moved to the suburbs.” Well slap a pair of overalls on that girl, and give her a fiddle, we got ourselves a suburbs girl!

Chris’s family was easily the best of the bunch. His sisters seemed to genuinely care about him, and his mom seemingly had 4-5 glasses of wine, and got a little goofy. They ended the night with the traditional game of “Ghost in The Graveyard,” and I have no idea how anyone found Chris and Andi with all of those cameras following them around, but low and behold, they did.

Josh’s date was in Tampa, Florida, where he took Andi to play two person baseball. Which is kind of like watching one person play ping pong, or probably how a dog feels whenever it plays fetch.

bachelorette

Aaron Murray makes his Bachelorette debut
Source:ABC

Josh’s date seemed to revolve around 5th round draft pick, Aaron Murray (Josh’s brother) and why the hell should it not? Andi however was worried that the family wouldn’t show the proper amount of excitement toward Josh on his big day. I mean sure making it to the NFL is an incredibly difficult feat to achieve, but last time I checked, quarterbacks grew on trees. Josh on the other hand, is bringing a girl home. And not just any girl, but a girl who is also dating four other guys. Take that Aaron. You can take your Kansas City Chiefs interview and shove right up your NFL bound keyster. At the end of the date, the Murray family played football in a space roughly the size of a large hot tub.

Marcus had the final hometown date, and what did “I love you” Marcus do? He took Andi to a strip club and bared almost all of it for her. Not a lot happened on Marcus’ hometown except Marcus’ mother calling Andi “bewful” a few times — someone call Juan Pablo.

I’m choosing to ignore the whole Eric thing, as I think they’ve pretty much squeezed that orange dry.

At the rose ceremony Andi had a meltdown and had to run out of the room, and be consoled by Chris Harrison, lurking in the shadows. In the end Andi said goodbye to Marcus, who, in the limo ride home, said, “I shouldn’t have told her I loved her,” echoing fan sentiment.

Next week the three remaining guys head off to get lai…the Dominican Republic.

 

 

 

 

Bachelorette Recap: Week 6

The Bachelorette

Source: ABC

I apologize for the lack of a recap last week, as I apparently suffered some ill-advised head trauma. Let’s be serious though, the only thing of note last week was the guy administering the lie-detector test asking, “Have you eva faht in pooblic?” It was easily the funniest moment in the show’s history. Proving that fart humor still holds water. Enough talk about last week’s yawner, let’s get into last night’s episode.

 

bachelorette

Marcus looks like a deer in headlights most days Source: ABC

This week’s episode took the “sweet six” — Andi’s words, not mine — to Brussels, Belgium, which is oddly coincidental as the U.S. takes on Belgium in the World Cup knock out round tomorrow. #IBelieve…ABCrunstheworld. As the men gathered in their hotel rooms two questions were brought up: 1. Who fired Chris Harrison’s wardrobe monkey? and 2. When did the man-scarf become acceptable?

Marcus got the first date card, and he and Andi went around and ate mussels in Brussels — omg too cute. I’d equate Marcus to Lenny from Of Mice and Men, except instead of crushing a mouse with his large, oversized hands, he’s smothering Andi with “I love yous” and “I’m falling in love with you.” I will go out on a limb and say that both Marcus and Lenny might share the same IQ. Marcus even admitted that the date was the first time Andi actually “felt like his girlfriend,” however that didn’t stop him from using  the L-bomb as liberally as Mel Gibson uses  the word “Jew.” Marcus’ conversation about his dad resulted in Andi’s first De Niro face (see picture). After the dinner we got a full display of just how miserable Andi looks while kissing. She has a way of making dudes look like pythons devouring small bird, and it’s just generally uncomfortable.

Andi Dorfman

Andi’s first De Niro face of the night Source: ABC

The next date card prompted Dylan to say, “You girls ready?” and that was when you knew he wasn’t going to make it through. Josh got the next date, BUT FIRST smug Nick decided to “make a move.” Nick, being the cunningly clever man that he is, went down to the lobby and pulled the old “I lost my room key, but the room is under my ‘wife’s name,'” That was so sneaky, I don’t even know how he hid those cameras from the concierge, nor do I know how she had that room key made within five seconds. The only plausible explanation I can come up with is that was the most bullshit scene ever. Not only was Nick the most unsteady conman since Michael J Fox, but that hotel employee would lose her job if she ever did that with a regular customer. After slick Nick got a hold of Andi they wondered around the streets of Brussels until they finally made out to the “Out of Africa” soundtrack.

Josh M got the second one-on-one date, and he made some moves. Josh is definitely this season’s Brooks, except I don’t think he’s going to bitch out in the end. Keep an eye on Josh’s shirt buttons, because I’m pretty sure he has to unbutton one each hour or he loses his slight southern accent. Can we also talk about Josh’s title as “Former Pro Baseball Player?” I just realized I have no idea what Josh does. If I walked around telling people that for a living a was a “former high school student” I think it would merit a few odd looks, so what in the world does Josh do now? My money’s on professional shirt unbuttoner.

nick v bachelorette

Nick is just the smuggest(?) smuggiest? Source: ABC

The group date was even more lackluster than the rest of the show. The guys went to some ancient ruins and then to a sacred “no kissing” temple. I’m not really sure who instituted the no kissing rule, but it sounds made up. Chris and Andi had a nice moment where they made clay pots. It was kind of like the movie, “Ghost,” but more 4th gradish. In the end smug Nick got the rose, and was oh so smug about it. When Nick returned the Bachelorette was able to produce an overly long awkward silence, which ironically was broken by awkward Brian.

The cocktail party went on without a hitch except for when smug Nick took awkward Brian’s time with Andi, which was generally a dick move, but at this point what can we really expect from Nick? Something tells me he didn’t have many friends in college.

In the end it was awkward Brian and Patrick Bateman Dylan who got the axe (so to speak). Brian had to best exit when he goes, “Great, just great. They’re laughing, that’s what I want to hear.”

Next week is hometowns, and here’s to hoping that it isn’t as dull as this last episode.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bachelorette Recap: Week 4, France

bachelorette mime

Source: ABC

After taking a week long hiatus, Andi Dorfman is back with a vengeance. Marseille, France was the destination for the Dorfman and her band of merry gentlemen. At the beginning of the episode, Andi claimed that Marseilles is “the perfect place to fall in love,” which puts it on par with San Lucia, Santa Barbara, Connecticut, and Vietnam. I would love to hear what she would say if they took her to Yemen.

Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison’s lovely turtleneck Source: ABC

Andi’s first one-on-one date was with MLB second rounder, Josh M. But first let’s get to Chris Harrison’s newest getup: his wool turtleneck. I don’t know who does his wardrobe but somebody give that monkey a promotion! Chris asked Andi if she was falling in love, to which Andi replied, “Stop!” and thus began the drinking game that resulted in a nice Tuesday hangover for college students everywhere.

Josh M is all about not being stereotyped as a “jock,” or a “sports guy,” and wants Andi to think of him in a different light, which is fine, but Josh kept making references to his sports career, so he may as well have said something like, “I don’t want you to think of me as this guy who played in the MLB, who has a great smile, and a body with 5% body fat. I’m so much more than my sports money, and my confident 1st basemen attitude.” Also well done Josh, in keeping Andi from seeing the Chateau D’if, by sticking your tongue in her mouth, no one likes that monument anyways.

Meanwhile back at the hotel: JJ solidified himself a shit-talker, as he told Marquel that Andrew called him a “blacky,” just to turn around in the confessional and say that Andrew, “may have said ‘black guys.'” All right you little home schooled, pants punk, let’s think about this logically: 1. Blackie is a term that might — and I use “might” loosely — be used by people over the age of 75, or by T.Y. Beanie Babies when naming their Black Bear. 2: If you want to talk shit about Andrew getting a waitress’ number because you think it affects the show, then fine. But to basically call someone a racist on national television, based on something you may or may not have heard is pretty outrageous. Also I think it says something about JJ who apparently thinks “blackie” is a term that is still thrown around.

Andi Dorfman De Niro

Andi shows off her De Niro face Source: ABC

Back on the date, Josh told Andi a story about a girl he was seeing who cheated on him. This resulted in Andi donning what I have affectionately come to call “De Niro Face.”   Andi’s De Niro face can happen when she is pleased and smiling, or if she is listening intently, and interested in what a certain someone has to say. In this instance Andi De Niro’d when Josh opened up to her, proving to her that he wasn’t the same person Juan Pablo was and making her as happy as James Conway.

The next date was a group date on which Andi took her boys to Mime school. I find it incredibly hard to believe that they couldn’t come up with a better date than dressing a bunch of guys up in mime clothes and miming around a public square. Points go to smug JJ who took Andi on a Ferris Wheel, where no one could hear her scream. Dylan also showed his inner Iago, when he told Marquel it was a good idea to confront Andrew on the group date. The big thing on this date was when Nick angered big-baby Cody by saying he was the front runner. Cody was none to pleased with Nick’s cocky nature, and showed him that his California broness could quickly turn into a California “that really hurt my feelings!” Poor, poor Chris too. Andi totally manipulated his nice-guy attitude to get gossip out of him by using the, “would you tell me if I was your wife?” line.

Andi’s next date was with Brian. They’re date was essentially a promotion for the movie, “100-foot Journey,” which as far as I can tell is a movie about French people and Indians who don’t use the metric system. Brian and Andi attempted to cook food, which Brian took entirely too seriously, and if he were a girl on The Bachelor, he definitely would have been sent home. But because this isn’t The Bachelor, Brian got a rose and will be around for at least one more week.

Andi Dorfman

Source: ABC

No cocktail party this week. Andi took her Adam’s Family meets Star Wars hair, and decided she knew the cuts she wanted to make without having to see a bunch of grown men get drunk and cry. Apparently black isn’t her favorite color, as Andi cut Marquel, along with lovers, Andrew and Patrick. Patrick’s exit was particularly appealing as he said the he’s been told by “many people, not just girls, that he is a catch,” Maybe he should start pursuing those, “not just girls,” and share a limo with Andrew…meow!

Next week Andi will actually be going full-on De Niro when she administers lie detector tests to her suitors, which I’m sure won’t end in tears.

 

 

 

Bachelorette Recap Week 3; Night 2

Bachelorette Andi

Source: ABC

And thus concludes a bizarre, mid-season, two-night special. Men played women’s basketball, Marcus indeed “Mosby’d,” and we said goodbye to both Eric and Chaco in a weird fashion.

The episode started with “I perpetually have my head cocked to one side,” Dylan getting his one-on-one date. Andi and Dylan rode a steam train to all the way to pun city. It’s interesting how much control post-production has on whether or not a date is awkward just by putting in some background music. Especially with Dylan’s back story it was like a composer was saying, “Wait for it. Wait for it. He’s gonna start talking about his family annnnd there it is. Queue the soft cello and dramatic piano….and.we.nailed it. Way to go gang!” Andi also came up with a new term: “The pity rose.” Which I’m assuming is a rose given to a contestant after they bring up a sob story and the Bachelor/ette would look like a total dick if they didn’t give them a rose. I think by saying “This isn’t a pity rose,” instead of Andi just giving a rose, put the thought in at least a few people’s head that it in fact was a pity rose.

WNBA bachelorette

Source: ABC

Meanwhile back in the brotel, the second date card came. Cody did the honors of reading the names and boy, did he sound like a third grader reading “The Giver” in front of the class. The group date featured a bunch of the guys playing against WNBA all-stars, which is great because it’s probably the most viewership that has ever been associated with the WNBA. To their credit though, the WNBA team dominated the guys to the tune of 30-6, which coincidentally looks like a women’s basketball score.

After the men vs women game, the guys split up and played a game where the winner would get more time with Andi, and the loser would have to go home. This was a great date for Coach Brian, as he really showed his knowledge of X’s and O’s and how to not pass the basketball.

When the final buzzer sounded, some mass drama was produced. I mean we’re talking Schindler’s List meets a 30-for-30 about apartheid. Except that it was a bunch of dudes moping around because they lost a pretty meaningless game. I will give points for the losing team wallowing while drinking beers in the locker room though. If you can’t be with Andi, at least you can share a light beer — we sure have come a long way from orange slices. As the date continued people cheesed around, and Brian hit a pretty sweet half court shot, that I will choose to believe happened on the first try. Also well done Brian for making Andi’s layup seem like she just hit a buzzer-beater to win a game 6.

Marcus Bachelorette

Just call Marcus Ted Mosby Source: ABC

The next date was Marcus’ one-on-one, and not to toot my own horn, but I called him being the one who would Mosby Andie, and he did not disappoint. First though, Andi and Marcus repelled down their hotel. My favorite part of this was Marcus saying, “Don’t look down, look at me,” as he was 15 feet below her. After their date, they saw yet another no-name band, and acted like they couldn’t believe they were seeing said band live. And then Marcus dropped the timeless words, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” One date Marcus, you’ve been on one date with this girl, not including the time you shared with her with like 12 other dudes. If he doesn’t win, someone better put him in a room with Bradley and keep them on 24 hour watch.

Cocktail party quick slants: Let’s be honest, aside from Chaco getting cut off after what sounded like a coming-out conversation, the biggest thing to come out was the Eric-Andi fight. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Andi had a few too many wine spritzers while head-locking Marquel, because unless Eric struck some kind of nerve by calling her a “Hollywood actress,” than she completely over-reacted to a simple concern that Eric had. After Eric left, Chris and Andi came on to say a few words about Eric and “clear the air” about him leaving. I thought the whole thing was rather bizarre, and then Chris — without even a nod to a “spoiler alert” — said that Andi said goodbye to Chaco’s.

In two weeks it looks like things heat up between Marquel and Andrew, which I can only imagine is because Andrew dropped a racial slur, because that seems to fit his snide personality.

 

Bachelorette Recap: Week 3; Night 1

Chris Harrison

Who dresses you? Source: ABC

Three weeks in, and already there’s a two night special!? Andi “I perpetually have a cold” Dorfman is getting quite a lot of airtime! For the first episode in this two night special Andi and her merry men headed to Santa Barbara. Which is just a short two-hour drive from their Los Angeles location, coughbudgetcutscough. I am going to choose to gloss over Nick and Andi’s date, as nothing of note happened, except we learned that Nick either does not like himself or has a weird, self-deprecating style of humor.

After Andrew and Marcus had a shirtless heart-to-heart, the group date card came. Apparently the producers really loved the date in Juan Pablo’s season when the girls went to a Korean mall and sang K-pop because the guys also went to a mall. But instead of singing and dancing to an Asian band that no one has heard of, the guys had the opportunity to thoroughly butcher a Boyz 2 Men song, again, at a mall. First of all, Marquel apparently loves Boyz 2 Men. When he saw the trio, he looked like he just inherited a lifetime supply of cookies. The biggest thing to come out of this date was Bradley finally got his douche card. It was probably years in the making, but this date finally sealed the deal. Bradley started getting his douche card when he was told there would be singing on the date, and got all douche-pumped about having a leg up on the competition. He continued his rise in his douche stock when he couldn’t just sing “I’ll Make Love To You,” but instead, had to opera belt it out, in classic douche fashion. The clincher though, was when he tried to show up the others by vibrato-ing his way to douche kingdom. Well done Bradley, you have arrived. Andrew and Patrick continued their love affair with each other (see the picture).

Patrick and Andrew: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

Patrick and Andrew: The Greatest Love Story Ever Told Source: ABC

After the brutally awful performance, the lady and her tramps finished the date with some drinks and some casual conversation. Andi and Marquel had a great exchange when Marquel asked her what her favorite color and she responded with, “Is black a color?” Oh, Andi you are a subtle minx. Marcus began showing his true colors on this date as well, as well as his lack of brain power. Maybe it’s just because he’s relatively younger than the rest of the guys, but he seems totally out of his element. Out of all the contestants he’s definitely the one who might “Mosby” Andi, and tell her he’s in love with her after their next group date. Oh and after Josh M. got the rose, he also seems to have murder in his eyes…

Andi’s next date was with pantsapreneur, JJ. I can’t explain how stupid their date was. I guess the premise behind it, in some weird geriatric world, could be considered minutely “ok.” The execution was just bizarre. The idea was that JJ and Andi would get in full old person makeup, and act like they were 50 years their senior for the day. First off, JJ’s makeup was downright creepy. It wasn’t just old person makeup, he looked like an elderly man who had not taken care of himself at all. His eyes looked like a crack fiend, and I think he had more liver spots than hair. Andi conversely basically had a wig thrown on, and if any person looks that good when their 75 then sign me up. What made the date even more irritating is the “gotcha” game Andi and JJ played at the park, where they went up to unsuspecting groups of people and acted like they were old and senile. The people — I have to assume — were either taken aback by JJ’s fake disease ridden face, or the fact that these two people thought that they were actually fooling anyone. Let’s put it this way: if I put on cat ears, went to a park and started rubbing up against people and purring, no one would think I was a cat, and I would probably go to jail.

What's weird about two dudes just hanging out in a hot-tub?

What’s weird about two dudes just hanging out in a hot-tub? Source: ABC

Cocktail Party Quick Slants: Andrew, Josh and JJ got into quite the little tiff, which reminded me of the fun drinking game where you take a shot every time someone says some combination of “you’re not here/we’re here/we just want to know if you’re here for ‘the right reasons,'” which consequently will find you on the floor with no pants on. Andrew, who was being backed into a corner, did the only thing he could: find his lover Patrick get his bu..back. Other mentionables: Eric kind of has a weird, possessive side to him, and the hair dresser and Bradley went home. Bradley was responsible for some bizarrely dark television. He not only cried, but really dove deep into how sad he was. Someone might want to keep an eye on him, or someone should get him to sing about it.

I’m guessing tonight that Andrew is going to make Andi super upset, and probably end up leaving while saying something like “Well at least I can call Holli from Applebee’s, I bet her shift’s almost up.”

If Andrew leaves that’s another pick eliminated!

 

The Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

andi dorfman

Source: ABC

Week 2 is in the books and we saw Libby’s prized stead go down! But first let’s get to the episode:

Chris Harrison gave his preliminary talk to Andi, asking if she was ready for the week ahead. Does anyone else feel like Chris Harrison’s theme song this season should be Biz Markie’s “Just A Friend.” He seems especially awkward this year around Andi, almost like he’s finally realizing he’s divorced and aging, and no one seems to like his shirts.

Andi’s first date was with Eric and they showcased a fantastic California clichè: “Braaa, in what other state can I go get my beach-chill on and shred my gnar gnar snowboarding in the same day?” We get it California…we get it. After Louie Vito got all handsy on Andi, Eric showcased his snowboarding ability, and how he is a great guy which consequently got him a rose. Congratulations ABC, you’ve succeeded in creating some of the hardest television to watch. First off, it is a shame Eric died. He seems like a genuinely terrific person. I get what ABC was doing when it decided to keep his scenes and “make this season a tribute to him,” but come on. When the guy starts talking about how he has a few exciting things he wants to mark off his bucket list, how many people watching wanted to go all Michael Scott, grab him and yell, “Don’t do it! For God-sake’s don’t!”

Following Eric’s date came a fantastic group date for so many reasons. We’ll get to “Mr. Fireball” Craig in a minute, but first let’s break down the male strippers erotic dancers. First of all I love that Cody — who looks remarkably like a douchier Sean Lowe — stuffed his package to impress Andi, but also had the foresight to “not make it unrealistic.” After a contestant bared his goat for Andi, Chris Harrison once again delivered a fantastic moment when he “reluctantly” (and I use that word loosely) spanked one of the contestants, and that’s why he’s the host. Basketball coach and teacher, Brian then told Andi during a one-on-one session that he was nervous but hopes he made his kids proud. Yes Brian, I’m sure you made your kids proud by taking off all your clothes and turning in an 18+ performance for the night. In fact why don’t you go put that on your resumé right now, I’m sure a ton of schools would love to invite that lawsuit.

craig bachelorette

Source: ABC

Ohhh Craig. Craig, Craig, Craig. Where to start. First of all, to the dude who was giving Craig shit for ripping shots before the strip show, he can go back to the vegan party he came from. If I’m going to go out and strip for a group of rowdy females, you better believe I’m gonna down some liquid courage before hand. Granted maybe Craig should have slowed down his crusade of binge drinking, but at least he wasn’t an asshole. In fact, I would say he was one of the most friendly people on the date, especially when he was talking about his man-crush Josh M. The best part though, came when Craig AMA’d Andi and lead with, “What do you like least about your parents?” I can only imagine what would have happened had Andi turned it around on Craig. I’m pretty sure would’ve seen some sort of rendition of Craig doing his best impersonation of “Drunk Uncle,” followed by him crying in Andi’s lap.

The next day Andi went on a date with Chris, who is quite possibly my favorite contestant to ever grace the show. During their date Andi and Chris went to a horse racing track that even ABC couldn’t doll up. Instead of a classed up place like Keeneland, they got Scioto Downs on a Thursday afternoon, complete with a bunch of background riff-raff and a kid playing with his grandma’s walker. Chris and Andi took their seats next to the only other couple not dressed in jorts and beaters, who completely ignored the cameras and asked them how long they had been dating…coughplantedcouplecough.

The date concluded with Chris and Andi dancing to the obligatory acoustic band that no one has heard of, even though Chris probably said something like, “I can’t even believe I’m here. Dancing with the woman of my dreams, and having This Wild Life play a private show for us.”

"I'm not a jock, but check out my mean stiff-arm"

“I’m not a jock, but check out my mean stiff-arm” Source: ABC

Cocktail Party Quick Slants: Josh M had a fantastic boob glance right when Andi walked in. No part of it was subtle. Surprise, surprise, Bradley sung opera at Andi. I’ve decided singing opera for a single person is up there with demonstrating your MC skills for someone, it’s just loud, in your face, and really, who cares? (Unless your Juan Pablo, but let’s be serious I’m pretty sure he just wanted to see how wide Sharleen could open her mouth.) What would Andi do if Craig sang out of tune? Would she stand up and tell him he’s a drunk? Hey Craig, I bet I can guess what your parents like least about you…and Josh M showed Andi his stiff-arm.

Nick S, Craig, and Carl were all eliminated last night, and Andi delivered her first BS of the season telling Craig, “I respect you so much.” Yeah, and I enjoy licking sand paper. You better believe Craig was doing shots all the way to the airport while talking about his stupid parents.

The Bachelorette 2014: Episode 1 Recap

andi dorfman


Source: Si.ibtimes.com

And they’re off! The Bachelorette 2014 is officially underway which means Chris Harrison is back with atrocious shirts, a lot of men will be crying in the near future, and someone will ultimately end up looking disappointed on the cover of People Magazine. This season stars Andi Dorfman as The Bachelorette. As far as I can tell, Andi spends her time in Atlanta as a broken fence inspector and a street graffiti judge. She then moonlights as a lawyer wherever she can find an empty courtroom. A little background on AD: She attended Wake Forest University Law School, passed the bar in 2012, and what does our girl Andi do with that seemingly expensive law degree? She throws it right into a brown box of of storage where it belongs. Why? Because she’s The Bachelorette betches!

After Andi  goes to her biannual family blue shirt party, we get to meet her sister where Andi delivers her first gem of the season saying, “I don’t know what I did for 25 guys to fly across the country and meet me.” Apparently the BAR must be a little easier in Atlanta…

The next few segments were spent on what seemed like 18 limos carrying the guys who will spend the next 6 weeks courting Andi. Here’s some quit slants on the arrivals: Marcus emerged first, and Andi went all Juan Pablo on this young piece of ace, saying, “he’s hot. Hot. Hotttt. He’s just…well done ABC.” Chris, the Midwestern, Iowa farm boy followed Marcus. I am just going to assume that Chris is going to be an overall nice guy  and everyone will love him, however Andi will instead go for a brooding bad boy with a sketchy past because she likes mysteries and broken fences. JJ, our first unemployed contestant followed Chris. Sorry did I say unemployed, I meant entrepreneur. Wait, sorry, I meant pantsapreneur, because that’s definitely a thing, in fact, I think The Wharton Business School just added that as a focus.

Our first token black guy emerged and he has a striking resemblance to comedian Hannibal Buress. Marquel is his name, and cookies are his game. I think the creators of Sesame Street were just given the gift of Cookie Monster’s origin story: Once he was just an ordinary man who loved cookies. Marquel then had his heart broken, turned into a furry blue creature, fiending after the only other thing that could satisfy his cold heart.

Bachelorette lamp

Source: ABC

Our first ambiguously gay contestant followed the Cookie Monster. Tasos is his actual name but I’m pretty sure I’m going to call him Chacos for the remainder of the season.

Resident douche in the house: He’s Cody y’all, and he pushed that limo all the way from popped-blazer-collar town. Skipping over Rudie aka funny-man attorney, the next contestant of note was long hair -urgent care physician Jason. Here’s to hoping he never goes into pediatrics because he has “arrest me” written all over him. I’m gonna skip to the guy who had the best opening line ever and should’ve just won the game. Emil approached Andi and goes, “Hi I’m Emil.” Andi leans in like she didn’t hear him and he goes, “It’s like anal but with an ‘M,'” like he’s been saying that on the first day of class for the better part of his life. Give that guys a medal. The rest of the contestants read: long hair don’t care, bball coach, pro golfer, pro baseball player, token black guy #2, another long haired contestant with a laugh that would harmonize with Seth Rogen’s,  and what’s this? A stalker outside the house.

The stalker was nothing more than a former contestant from Emily’s season. I can only speculate that the whole thing was a ploy to give Chris Harrison a medium to perform the best white-guy handshake/hug in the history of television.

Right off the bat a love story blossomed during the cocktail party. Yes, soul mates Andrew and Patrick really hit it off saying things like, “Me and Patrick, we’re kind of on a different level,” and “Ohh, you’re a Ferrari guy?” I can’t wait for their hot tub bro sesh, where they take off their pants and make out because “we’re just super comfortable with each other, and are both into Formula 1 racing.”

Post cocktail party and rose ceremony, Josh B had a nice angsty teen exit that came off like, “This sucks, I didn’t even wanna be here.” Followed by tears, which makes me think he cried a lot in gym class as a kid.

Here are the picks for our lavish group. The field is a lot more diverse with $90 in the pot, and the least amount of money someone would take home would be $22.50. A few people are also able to win the whole $90. Let the games begin.

Amanda – Nick V

Sam – JJ & Chris

Jon – Josh M & Chris

Caitlin – Josh M & Dylan

Dave: Chris & Marcus

Libby – Carl & Nick V

Anjali – Nick V & Andrew

Joey – Marquel & Marcus

Nick – Josh M

Sarah – Chris & Marcus

Field: 9/18

The Bachelor Season Recap

Week 1 Recap

We are officially in the thick of things as 4 people saw at least one of their girls go down last night — and not in the way that would’ve kept them on the show. Victoria aka The Brazilian Betch wasted no time in showing everyone the 5 stages of lunatic. Tom myself and Isaac all had Victoria on our roster and as Tom put it, “It was like watching your prized horse break it’s leg rounding the first turn.” I would like to do one better, and say it was like watching your prized horse guzzle a trough of vodka red bull, proceed to break its leg and then blame it on being Brazilian, seriously that girl sucks. With Victoria ending up being the slut in the bathroom, our first money winner came in the form of Nicholas P. Graves! Who won the first of many $1 side bets. Libby “Asterisk” Craig also lost Amy L last night, after Amy whipped out a pretend on air interview with Juan Pabs. Nice try Amy but maybe performing an articulate interview in front of a guy who can barely say the words, “Weel you cepdees ros” wasn’t the best strategy. Everyone else still has two dogs in the fight. In other news, we decided it would be fun to do $1 side bets before each episode so that when inevitably people lose both girls, there is still fun to be had. You don’t have to participate but if you’d like to, bring your $1s. See you all next week!

 

Week 2

n 3 years. Kientz’s Chelsie came through in the clutch, jumping off a bridge and having an upside down MO session, making everyone in the 614 proud, and making Elise look like a fool! A FOOL! Speaking of Elise, we made a nice discovery for those not able to attend. It comes in the form of a Google Video search for “Yule Log Hotties” (NSFW…kinda)– that’s not how I remember being taught about Christmas traditions in the first grade. After Juan Pablo told everyone to “take off your Peeyama’s, and get in the poo,” and everyone got perverted (in the Venezuelan sense) in their swim suits, the dreaded Rose Ceremony offered zero drama. Lucy “Is this an event where I need to wear clothes?” Free Spirit got voted off, and judging from the amounts of “she seemed liked a really nice girl…” it was to the surprise of no one. Then the shocker of the night came when Chrystal? Christy? Kristen? Tristen? got voted off, prompting a gasp of “BAWHAAA?!” Christy’s sign off was that she wasn’t as open as the other girls. Really Christy? You weren’t open? No… When even the producers — who can make dicing tomatoes seem as dramatic as a Tom Hanks movie — can’t even come up with a viable soundtrack to make you more interesting, it might be time for you to go. There was no side bet this episode, however once again, any and all suggestions are welcome. First girl to cry? In what segment will Juan Pablo’s shirt come off? What color is Chris Harrison’s douchy shirt going to be? See you all next Monday.
 
Week 3

What’s the smell!? Probably all those girls after they diarrhea’d out all that Seoul food. That’s right The Bachelor went to South Korea, and proved that he’s got Seoul but he’s not a Seouldier(?). To kick off the show, our wonderful draft picks were told that they were headed to Seoul, South Korea, to which they replied with giddy laughter, and tiny, 2 inch vertical jumps. To everyone’s surprise not one of the girls asked if it was safe for United Statesians to go there — these girls must be some serious academics.

After the long voyage in which Danielle didn’t stop talking the whole time — it’s like shut up Danielle, could you be quiet for just one second — the ladies landed in Seoul, however it seems as if during the touchdown Nikki landed violently on a pair of chopsticks that got lodged firmly in her keister.

The first group date card was wildly ambiguous, leaving all the girls to wonder, “‘Pop?’ whaaa?” Cassandra led the hypothesis charge saying, “Pop? Popcorn? It could maybe be popcorn.” She’s a real mystery… Much to Nikki’s chagrin, the group date saw the girls become backup dancers for the wildly POPular kPOP group, 21. As Juan Pablo said, “twuandee juan ees assbig ass dee Spice Girls,” and made sure to finish that sentence with “back in dee day.” He then had to explain to Cassandra that the Spice Girls were a British Pop Girl band back when she was in diapers.

Instead of joining in on the date, Nikki decided to host her very own pity party, to which Kat was not invited! I can’t imagine the embarrassment she felt when she found out she would be dancing at the prestigious location of a South Korean mall. Danielle couldn’t say enough about dancing with her favorite Korean, Kpop Band.

Juan Pablo showered for 20 seconds and then went on a date with Sharleen…that happened, and Danielle was very vocal about it.

The next group date featured karaoke and street meat — sounds like s Friday night AmIRight!? — and what can only be described as Hannah Mealer’s own personal hell: a tiny public foot tub, where a bunch of tiny foot fish nibble on all the parts of your feet. Kelly, the dog lover, had the one liner of the date, where she accused old Crazy Clare of swallowing “bigger things” than a morsel of Octopus. “Big words coming a girl without her stupid Molly by her side” said Danielle,

The group date ended with Juan Pablo saying he “deedn’t want to kees anuhder girl beecaus hees dawder might be watcheeng.” That is until he met Clare, whom he deemed to hot not to make out with. That’s right children — there’s a lesson here, always put your kids best interest first, unless a smoke show with an ass that won’t quit comes along, and then you say, “Forget you Camil…whatever your name is.”

The Rose Ceremony provided us with some nice side bet action, on the last girl to get a rose. We also saw the departure of Lauren “I made a big mistake” S and Elise “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” first grade teacher. “I knew we had chemistry,” said Danielle, as the ABC producers smiled and nodded.

The next week The Bachelor is off to Vietnam, which makes everyone wonder which war-torn country will they visit next? Do I smell a side bet? My money’s on Serbia.

Week 4

Oh-me-oh-my-oh it looks like Clare’s gone psycho. Juan Pablo and his band of merry ladies took their talents to Bee-eht-nahm, for the most dramatic episode of the season. Boy, did the producers do a good job of making Vietnam look like a hot vacation spot; with the stray dogs rummaging the streets, the serene, dirt brown river, and not to mention that old toothless water buffalo guide, grabbing ALL the girls, and then playing, “What?! I’m foreign, I no understand,” card, while grazing Kelly’s inner thy.

The episode started with a one-on-one date between Juan Pablo and Renee. Considering both of them are single parents, it was confusing when it felt like I was watching an 8th grade date. Between Juan driving a bicycle taxi, oogling Renee’s bust size, and Renee talking about kissing Juan the entire time and not following through, I didn’t know if I was watching the Bachelor, or a weird Spasian hybrid of Boy Meets World.

The group date was the real meat and potatoes of the show, with Clare providing both the ground beef and the spuds. After traveling down what looked like the Scioto after a hefty rain fall, in the most ergonomic water crafts ever, the group invaded a native Vietnamese home — thank goodness it’s not the 1960’s — where they went to work in the family’s garden. Cassandra provided some of her deep insight about the date saying, “We walk outside and see this garden and there’s a large garden!” Someone let her write a book.

As the night progressed, Juan clearly hit his hornball stage and let his inner sleezeball shine. He took Clare back to his suite where they got a little frisky in the pool. He then called Clare, “en llama” which I can only assume means, “I hope she comes over at 4 am tonight, so we can explore each other’s parts in the ocean.” The biggest highlight of the night however may have been that Diva Danielle said actual words, in an impromptu sentence, that the producers allowed to be on television.Shocking.

Crazy Clare apparently didn’t get enough of that sweet brown sugarcane, so she did what any “kooky” girl would do: wait until 4 am, put on a slutty bathing suit, and go rouse Juan from his slumber. JP took a bite out of what Clare was selling at 4 am and what followed was possibly the most unsubtle narration ever. We get it, Clare let Juan put his Churro in her pie hole in the deep brown sea. Clare even went so far as to say that it was like the birth of a baby giraffe?– He was clearly good enough to jar her brain loose.

The next date was a one-on-one with Nikki, where she and Juan went cave diving. Sorry Nikki, you weren’t the first girl in Vietnam to see Juan get inside a dark hole. Nikki panicked during the cave dive, which prompted her to say that she might poop her pants. Juan immediately got behind her for support. Who said chivalry was dead?

The cocktail party provided some added drama when Clare went all sorts of stage 5 clinger, after Juan Pablo tried to let her that the Venezuelan meat market was closed for business. Juan said, “For sample, I ave a dawdder, eh see, too me ees hard, beecus I don wanner to see what happen between us.” Clare then threw a nice 3rd grade tantrum, after losing her Latin toy. To no ones surprise, Kelly the dog lover, Alli, and, say it ain’t so, Danielle, were all not given a rose. Danielle held her head with pride, not shedding a single tear. She basically shrugged her shoulders, and said, “Ehhhh,” while walking to her limo. Atta girl Danielle, you chatty diva. With those three girls gone we now are guaranteed that at least one person will lose a girl each week from here on out. We also have a great side bet for next week, and it isn’t “What week will Clare realize she’s pregnant?” the side bet is “Who’s the girl that doesn’t come home from the one-on-one next week??” Let the madness continue!

Week 5

I blame the lateness of this post on Michigan, because…why the hell not.

Down goes Kat — and not on Jaun, ZING! That’s right, Monday’s episode featured our latest bachelorette to be removed from competition, and thus ends Tom’s reign of terror…but first let’s recap:

This week the girls and the man-hunk traveled to “Newsie Land.” A place like none other to find love: Newsie Land has romantic wild horses, rolling green hills, waterfalls…HOBBITTON! Holy Gandolf the Gray! Girls, get ready to drop your Elven pants cause this fantasy island just got dirty sexy. Nothing screams romance like tiny midgets with ape feet, running around sporting green capes. In all seriousness though New Seal Land is pretty cool, I have to agree with Juan on his apt observation that it has “rivers and mountains” and stuff — also don’t forget the Sulfur mines, where you can smell what it would be like to climb inside a rectum.

Andi got the first date card, in which she and Juan ventured to The Squeeze. The two hopped into the water and navigated a narrow rock formation. Thank goodness Andi was wearing a onesie, in order to get through that treacherous terrain. Andi and Juan made their way to a geyser-side dinner. However the meal was ruined by one of nature’s miracles. Seriously mother earth, the next time you decide to spray your filthy H2O all over the place, how bout a little forewarning. I mean really, is it that hard to pick up a phone? “Hey, I’ve had long day, I’m probably going to blow off a little steam…that might result in a light misting on your dinner date.” We’re trying to watch people eat here, not see a phenomena of the earth. Can she not get enough attention, who are you? Clare?!

The focal point of the group date was Cassandra, who undoubtedly became HIMYM’s “Oh Honey” of the show. Cassandra, after confiding in Renee, let everyone — except Juan — know that it was her birthday. Then, after a wild ride in a giant hamster ball, Cassandra reassured everyone, again, except the man who gives the points, that it was her birthday. Well Casssandra, Happy birthday to y..”Cassandra, can eyee tok to you, en sen you on ay 12 hour flieeght ‘ome.” In Cassandra’s defense, she really took the Danielle road and held her head high on her way out, never pulling the birthday card out of her back pocket. I still can’t wait for her that book she’s writing.

Clare received the final Juan-on-Juan date of the episode, where her and Juan shared a romantic picnic on a boulder covered river embankment. What in the hell Bachelor? You literally spent the opening of the show displaying how green News Eal Land is, and you chose to put a Picnic on a riverbed? Nothing screams, “Date night!” like that old game, “Guess What Kind of Rock Is In My Ass.” During the date, Juan and Clare talked about what happened during that kooky night in Vietnam, and Crazy Clare gave some eyes that said, “If you ever leave me, I’ll cut off your damn Venezuelan soccer playing legs, and use them on a life-size Foosball table.”

The Rose Ceremony followed Juan and Clare’s and low and behold it came down to Chelsie and Kat. What was bizarre about this was that both of them knew it was down to them. Chelsie came out the victor, as it was Kat who packed her bags and headed back across the Pacific and thus Tom, picking party girls, Victoria, and Kat, is officially out of the money.

Quick Hitters: Thanks Chelsie for representing Ohio so well by saying New Z Land, “Kind of reminds me of Ohio, but we don’t have hills.” – clearly she’s only ventured on that strip of i-70 W between Springfield and Vandalia, which is just gorgeous this time of year. How many Bachelor writers let out a sigh of relief when Sharleen turned out to be a Lord of The Rings super fan. I mean she went so far as to say, “This is F$*# cool.” If Juan wants a roadmap to Sharleen’s heart you better believe it has Spiderman wielding a lightsaber, driving the Batmobile, all the while, playing an intense game of Stratego with Stan Lee. The funniest Pablism — as I’m referring to them now — came during the credits when Juan started an impromptu “New Sea Land Snowball Fight” AKA throwing sheep poo at girls: “Oo ever steps in dee most poops weens!” Apparently it’s okay when a Venezuelan starts chucking sheep poo around. God that guy is a smooth operator.

Next week the girls travel to the exotic location of…Miami? Budgetcutssaywhat?

Week 6

 

What’s that I hear on the breeze? Is it Juan Pablo whispering sweet broken English in a girls ear, or perhaps it’s a feline fight between Clare and Nikki? NO! It’s Sarah and Sam’s odds of wining decreasing by 50%. Put that in Juan Pablo’s shorts and smoke it…what?

The episode stayed with the theme of countries that have been through horrific civil wars, and put the girls in gorgeous Miami, Florida (I reached, so what). Juan surprised his daughter by showing up at his parents house where Juan hung by the pool, and talked with his cousin named Radolfo, Rolofo, or RollOver. I’m not entirely sure.

Whatever his name, RollOver provided some snazzy, unscripted dialogue with Juan Pablo, while showing off those pearly white, adult braced teeth. Nothing like a cousin who you “talk to every day,” and are “incredibly close” with, but there is no way in hell you’d ever let come out on the town with you.

Meanwhile back at the outrageous hotel, the girls got a gift from the producers: skimpy bathing suits. That’s right ladies, we need more sex appeal than just prude Clare, boning out in the ocean.

Juan wasted no time delivering the first date card. Different from previous dates, no rose would be given, but rather the girl on the date would have a longer time to have spend with Sweat Box McGooch (check the Quick Hitters).

Charleen was handed the date card, and then asked, “What? You want me to read it?” Thank heavens she dates intellectuals, otherwise what would she do with all of her mail? The date had Charleen and JP take a very large boat — but not the biggest boat! — to a small private island. Charleen had been having trepidation about the date from the beginning, wanting more of a “cerebral connection,” than just that hot bod. It was a make or break date for the Manic Hispanic, and what does my boy Juan do? He busts out some rhetoric about the duality of man, and how maybe we’re all just metaphysical shadow’s dancing on a wall…wait….No, Juan instead, dropped the newest Pablism: “I Lieek duh wers(words) you use. I am learneeng.” And thus, the proverbial nail was slammed in the coffin. However Sharleen didn’t let her disappointment stop her from getting some of that Latino Jalapeno in the ocean. Look out Clare.

Nikki was the next to receive a date card from Juan, and boy was it good. I would like to think that Juan had to pitch this date to the producers: “Peecture dis guyees: I take Neekki to my dawders reecital, where Camila’s mother weel also be.” The producers then give him two thumbs up, and walk away saying to each other, “Wow I was going to suggest another boat date.” “Yeah, I was going to say ‘private island.'”

What followed was a bizarre ordeal, especially when you factor in the fact that a film crew for a smutty show –albeit, the best smutty show — came in and started filming a young girls dance recital in front of all their parents. And then blah blah blah Nikki said some stuff and made out with Juan, and then the date ended.

Meanwhile back at the overpriced hotel room…Sharleen let the girls know that she was leaving, to which Clare responded, “Wait so you’re telling us, and then you’re going to tell him?” Sharleen responded in the affirmative, and Clare’s crazy eyes said, “Good! Verbal contracts are binding in Miami-Dade county!”

Sharleen made her way to Juan Pablo’s room and let him know that she was leaving. She almost ended a sentence with a preposition, which would’ve made her whole, “I’m a smarty, Juan’s a dumby” argument null and void, but alas, a comma saved the day. After Sharleen left, Juan offered up an old Venezuelan proverb, “I’d radder be honest en not appreciated, den not honest, and appreciated.” Where was that knowledge on the boat with Sharleen, Juan?! How bout you drop that bomb when it counts, instead of pointing and saying “Moon. Stars.”

The group date offered a uniquely original idea, having the girls arrive on the private island by plane instead of by boat. Andi was the recipient of the rose, and also of Death-Glare-Clare’s crazy eyes.

All of the other girls went back to the hotel, to let Andi and Juan share an awkward dance, and Clare and Nikki squared off in what can only be described as the most confusing argument ever:
“Leave my room.”
“This is not your room! Did you pay for it?”
“No, did you?”
“No.”
“So it’s just open space then?”
…..

Well I’m glad they can agree on something.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony provided nothing of real interest except for what felt like 10 minutes of silence when Clare and Nikki had to be in the same area by themselves. Chelsie ultimately had to take a plane back to Cosi, which wasn’t all that surprising, as she didn’t have that one quality Juan was looking for in a girl: a real firm…personality.

Quick Hitters: What in the world is wrong with Sharleen? The whole time she was saying, “I have the best time with Juan Pablo. Everything is easy, it just feels right/I can’t stop kissing him,” while also dropping that “I rarely let myself feel happy.” Holy therapist Batman!…Speaking of therapy, if Renee’s real estate career fails, she clearly has a career in counseling. At this point I’m wondering if the girls think that The Bachelor hired a Social Worker to deal with all of their issues…What in the world do they put in the water in Miami to make it pass through Juan Pablo’s pours like a sieve? His shirt went from damp, to wet, to Robin Williams under a heat lamp.

Next week looks to build on the drama hashed out in Miami. Prediction: Andi’s unpredictable southern Dad utters the words, “I don’t “Juan’t” my daughter dating some hanky panky Spanish fairy!” Clare throws a nice 4 year, toy store old tantrum, and audience members nationwide have the “Does agreeing to go into the Fantasy Suite count as consent?” debate.

Week 7

Hometowns! Hometowns! Hometowns! We’ve made to the point in the show where we take a break from exotic islands, cavernous landscapes and South Beach, to visit the people responsible for raising our whacky contestants.

To begin, the producers of this episode LOVED shots of animals to really set the scene of each specific hometown. Naturally, Nikki’s hometown of Kansas City, began with a shot of cows roaming a crowded feed farm. Thank you Bachelor — those west coasters really needed more assurance that cows define us simple folk in the midwest. Nikki and Juan took off to explore what makes Kansas City the greatest city in Missouri. Nikki decided to wow Juan’s tastebuds with some traditional Kansas City BBQ, followed by a ride on a mechanical bull. Yes, Kansas City — which can be found on the same latitudinal line as staple southern cities like Cincinnati and Washington D.C. — was made to look like the original home of the Cowboy cattle rancher. After the “date,” the duo went on their way to Neekee’s home. Juan made his rounds through Nikki’s family until he encountered her father…The Most Boring Man in The World — He once had a 40 minute conversation about Cashews, with himself. His New Years Eve party occurs at 8 O’Clock post meridiem and you can bet you’ll be home no later than 9:30. He once had a date at H&R Block, he is…The Most Boring Man in The World. — In all seriousness though, Nikki’s Dad was really nice, and I have no idea how he raised such a cat-clawed daughter (unless he’s not her father, take a look at the left hand folks!).

Next on the hometown docket was “Goosetown.” If you don’t know that reference, you’re not alone, because Atlanta has never been called “Goosetown” since it’s inception. That didn’t stop the Bachelor producers from starting this hometown date with a shot of Geese frolicking about in a nice, green park in the middle of Hotlanta. Andi chose not to take her man to a BBQ diner, and instead took Juan Pabs to a gun range. Andi fired off a bulls eye first shot and basically made Juan look like a little ninny boy. Juan did not earn the nickname “Hispanic Mechanic,” as it took him a 4-5 shots to actually hit the target. The producers didn’t help Juan’s appearance either when they juxtaposed Juan shooting what looked like a tiny little water pistol, while Andi unloaded a semi-automatic boom-stick right next to him.

As they made their way into Andi’s home, the audience found out that Andi’s Dad’s name is Hy (pronounced Hi). I have no Hydea why there wasn’t a super awkward exchange that involved a back and forth confusing exchange of “Hy’s” and “hello’s” . Anywho, Juan and Andi told Andi’s parent the story of how their love had unfolded, and nothing sounds more stupid than explaining just exactly how The Bachelor works to your parents, and then explaining that you’re ready for a marriage commitment. It’s kind of like telling your parents that you’re packing up and moving to North Korea, because it’s the land of opportunity. Andi’s parents provided a spectrum of emotion. Andi’s mother Patty(?) wanted to take Jaun out back and have herself a little salsa snack, while Hy, after pouring himself a stiff glass of scotch, made Juan Pablo so nervous, he looked like Rick Moranis the first time he shrunk the kids. I’m not even going to include a Pablism, because the whole exchange between Juan and Hy (never in my life did I ever think those two names would appear together) left everyone saying, “Wha deh ee jus sayee?”

Pelicans can only mean one thing. We’re in Florida!!! Renee and Juan met in a park where Renee’s son joined them. There was literally nothing that can be said about this hometown. Renee’s family was cool. They watched Renee’s son, Ben, who is a pitcher, play baseball, where he had a double play. Renee’s dad was neat. She seems like a great Mom. I literally have nothing, other than Juan Pablo looked like a latin drug dealer the first time he met Renee’s son in the park. Renee deserves better.

Clare however was a different story. First, bee’s and squirrels obviously represent Sacramento, California. The producers wanted to go with birds and bees, because of the intense ocean heat, but instead went with Squirrel’s and bees, because squirrels love nuts. Clare wasted no time in reminding us of her brain power: “I brought Juan Pablo to the pask of roses. This is really significant to me because…it’s a park, and I spent a lot of my childhood in parks.” Yeah, me too lady, but you don’t see me reminiscing about Goodale park while “Crazy Gary” plays with himself in a bush next to the Gazebo. As Juan and Crazy Clare made their way to Clare’s home, Juan found out that Clare was one of six sisters. He finally could breathe easy as he had no masculine father to deal with and could let his inner Latin lover shine. As we were introduced to Clare’s family it was immediately noted that Clare’s mother and father propagated children in at least the 1960’s 70’s and 80’s and possibly, as we were introduced to Large Laura (Lara?) the 1950’s. Large Laura is nicknamed as such because of her larger than life personality, that couldn’t be handled by just one camera. Laura had that classic “James Bond Villain” archetype — She had a dog that she stroked incessantly, a deep desire to take control of the family from their “Mama,” and was enjoyed lurking in the shadows for no apparent reason. I think we found the reason that Clare has a case of the crazies.

The rose ceremony offered nothing! Renee went home, and no one in our betting pool lost a lady. Juan Pablo has clearly perfected the lower lip quiver. Seriously, how do you got from, “Oh wow, you girls look gray!” to crying your beady little, Tropic of Cancer eyes out. Renee went home, but tomorrow it looks like the Fantasy Suite dates go horribly ary, which begs the question, “Syphilis or Micro-penis?”

Quick Hitters from the 2nd night: It wasn’t a micro-penis at all! Instead Andi didn’t like Juan’s “into himself” attitude, name dropping, and apparently hates the word, “okay.” Easily the funniest part of the episode and possibly the season, was when Juan Pablo thought he had Andi cornered in their argument, asking her, “Wha Reeligion am I?” Got her! Except he didn’t. Andi fired back immediately, “Catholic.” Boom! Lawyered! Juan’s face of defeat could not have been more priceless. I have no doubt that Juan is the raging douche he plays on the show, but I think Andi may have cost herself a spot on The Bachelorette with that performance especially the, “Are my standards just too high?” comment. I wonder if she can see Savannah up there on her high horse? With Andi going down, Emily, Sarah, Alex, Hannah, Joey and Caitlin all lost girls last night. With next week being the Women Tell All.

Week 8 (Finale)

As the saying goes, “All good things must come to a fiery train wreck of an ending that leaves everyone uncomfortable”…or something to that effect. Yes, The Bachelor ended last night in the most “ehhh?” way possible. Tears were shed, audience members invaded the left corner of televisions, and Juan Pablo made a perfect ass of himself. Before we get to the recap, congrats to Emily (birthday girl!), Caitlin, Sam, Nick, and Jesse, as they were the recipients of $22 dollars for picking Neekki. I hope you’re happy, ya hyenas.

The first part of the show had Crazy Eyes Clare, and Big Ideas Nikki each meeting Juan Pablo’s family in Saint Lucia. Juan came to meet his family carrying…TWO CHILDREN!? Who’s this second dawdder you’ve been hiding Juan!? You Latin son of a bi…oh it’s your niece. Clare showed her immediate knack for children when she requested a handshake from a 5-year-old. She also showed off her brainy side when she said that she was the only one of her massive, anti-birth control family to not speak Spanish. Way to get bicultural meeting off on the right foot.

Part of me thinks the next True Detective series should be about two grizzled cops finding clues as to what in the hell Juan Pablo did to make his mother so passive aggressive toward her son.

Here’s a little bullet point of Juan’s mother to both Nikki and Clare
– He’s rude
– He makes me cry
– He will wake up and watch TV all day
– He is simple
– I am “pretty sure” he is ready for marriage
– He’s not easy
– I LIKE RODRIGO MORE!

Real 5 star rating of your son there Mom.

Pablism came when Mother Galavis told Clare, “Ee’s eeperacteeve…super eeperacteeve.” Clare’s face made me think that she was saying to herself, “Hmmm ‘eeperacteeve?’ I’m gonna have to look up what that means wh.”

ADULT BRACES IS BACK WITH A VENGENCE. Rodolfo is here and he’s not gonna take some BS from some mamby pamby bachlorettes. He’s here to ask tough questions and look nervous doing it. He is…Rodolfo.

The father played the “genuine guy” card, and we found out Juan has a brother Rodrigo who would be great for former bachelorette, Danielle.

Clare’s final takaway was that she knew Juan was “raised right.” Whoops.

It was then Nikki’s turn to meet the family and she received the hardest question from Juan’s mother when she was asked, “Ow is dee Iceland?” She clearly has been around Juan Pabs enough to know how to answer a question phrased in horridly broken English, as she didn’t even stumble. Nikki responded saying that the weather was hot — something that anyone would know if they just observed Juan’s shirt.

RODOLFO IS BACK AGAIN BETCHES! Here to ask the questions no one will ask — “How are you with fighting, because relationships have that…I think.” It’s Rodolfo! He’s here to say that Latino’s are perverted, wait sorry, “passionate as hell.” Rodolfo!

Rodrigo also really laid the verbal lumber saying, “Nikki’s a good choice, and Clare is a good choice also.” Someone call the presses because Rodrigo just landed a hard left hook.

Chris Harrison vetted the audience to which the only thing of note was a man who was coaxed into standing up and talking. Well done sir. You hold your head high. Then Chris took his talents to a slew of previous Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, most of whom had no business being there – but it made for some great awkward tension. Throwback: I can only imagine what Chris (from Desiree’s season) was thinking seated two people down from Brooks, the man who Des said she would’ve picked had he not left on his own accord. I bet he had some classic Chris poetry floating around in his head. Duh-ram-uh.

Clare’s one-on-one proved to be ridiculous as Juan let a panty dropper fly in the helicopter. Because I know some mothers read this, I will replace the expletive, with the phrase “lobster fishing.” As Juan and Clare helicoptered to a romantic cliff in Saint Lucia, Juan leans over and says, “I don’t know you, but I loved Lobster Fishing (with) you.” To which Crazy Clare was none too pleased. If you don’t want Juan to talk about lobster fishing with you, than don’t go lobster fishing late at night in the ocean. For starters, it’s dangerous with the sharks and the general cleanliness of the ocean, and also you know this guy is a hornball, so for him to tell you he “loved lobster fishing,” it might be the highest compliment the Latino Bambino is capable of paying.

Clare almost achieved some sweet redemption by confronting JP about the lobster fishing comment, and really had him on the ropes, until Juan whipped out a second trick in his bag – and it wasn’t his lobster fishing spear. He pulled out his iPhone and played that god awful song by that god awful singer that The Bachelor shelled out tens of twenties of dollars to get to sing during Juan and Clare’s first date. The fact that the audience had to bear that song a second time…Juan really is a mother lobster fisher.

Neekki and Juan’s date was super boring. The whole time was spent manufacturing drama around whether Juan would say, “I love you.” Spoiler alert: he didn’t.

The next day Clare made her march of death down to see Juan Pablo where she told him, most importantly, that she believes in him. Whoops! Juan apparently likes Nikki’s ideas more than Clare’s. She actually held her own, and drew some audience applause, especially when she said, “ What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.” BOOM Clare! Grab the SPF 90 and call the ICU nurse because Juan just got burned!

Nikki then made her way to Juan where he gave her a rose, and they decided to date resulting in the least climactic ending possible. “BOO!” I imagined thousands of Americans saying while finishing their wine.

Quick Hitters: I pity the sound guy that had to mix that stupid song on Juans iPhone with the actual music and then back to the iPhone and back to the music…and then back to the iPhone. For a few minutes I thought Shawn and Juan (rhyme much?) were going to throw down over differing “bachelor ideologies.” Incredibly, Chris Harrison came off as more of a douche than Juan when he tried to go all “To Catch a Latino Predator,” and get Juan to say he loved Nikki. Andi is the next Bachelorette! Good for her, I love a good lawyer who doesn’t learn a thing from their mistakes.

And with that the season is in the books. It’s wild to think that this all stemmed from our “crazy Clare” idea to gamble on peoples happiness. I hope everyone had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. Here’s hoping that Andi provides as much entertainment as Juan, “Eenglish ees nah myee firs lanwidge” Pablo.