Creator of “The Magic School Bus” to release new “Magic Public Bus” series

Magic Public BusNewark, New Jersey – Joanna Cole, one of the creators of the popular children’s book, “The Magic Schoolbus,” is set to release an all new set of books based based on the public bus system.

“With the popularity of ‘The Magic Schoolbus’ and all the adventures the children went on with Ms. Frizzle, we couldn’t help but want to continue the series,” said Cole. “But those kids couldn’t stay in school forever, so we decided now is as good a time as any to teach those characters about the public bus system.”

Cole said she will keep the original core cast, but will introduce some new characters.

“One of our new characters will be the bus driver. With Ms. Frizzle reaching her twilight years, she will not be as active on the public bus adventures, so we will have a bus driver named Randy, whose catch phrase will be, ‘Don’t cross this yellow line, or I’ll throw you off this damn bus.'”

Cole said that the main elements of the “Magic School Bus,” will remain, such as the mystery and adventure, but they will be more geared toward the public transit system.

“Instead of the kids shrinking down and traveling through the human body, they will take a trip to the magical world of the welfare office.”

Cole said the characters will also solve mysteries like “which homeless person smells like pee?” and “Is that spilled Chinese food or a just a pile of throwup?”

In addition, Cole promises that even in her old age, Ms. Frizzle will help teach the characters valueable lessons through interactions on the “Magic Public Bus.”

“One of our favorite stories is when Arnold makes friends with a woman on the bus, only to realize that she is a hooker looking for some crack-cocaine. After Arnold is beaten many, many times on his head, Ms. Frizzle reveals to Arnold that he should never, ever, under any circumstance, make friends with anyone on the Magic Public Bus.”

Look for “The Magic Public Bus” to be released sometime in late 2015.

Thousands Anxiously Await Being Disappointed With New Years Plans

New YearsNew York City, New York — With New Years Eve quickly approaching, thousands have made plans that will inevitability let them down. Whether it’s freezing in the cold in Times Square for the better part of four hours, or it’s paying $120 for a ticket to a bar that will run out of alcohol, New Years Eve will provide just enough angst to make people annoyed.

“I can’t wait to spend three hours in a line to get in a bar that I paid an outrageous cover for!” said 28-year-old, Mike Remy. “Sure I could get there at five and skip the line, but where would be the fun in that? I would miss potentially getting frostbite, and drunken girls trying to ditch the line because they ‘have to pee.'”

Don’t forget all those hosting New Years Eve parties, they too are looking forward to their properties being damaged beyond repair.

“Last year our friend Jake got out or hand and starting putting holes in our wall just for kicks,” said party hoster, Amanda Stack. “He ended up puking on our carpet and causing no less than $300 in damages which he never repaid. We think this might finally be the year where someone invites a total stranger and we got robbed blind, and we can’t wait!”

Let’s not forget those venturing to New York City for the famous ball-dropping ceremony, while standing outside in extreme cold with little to no room to move.

“We’ve been standing outside for what feels like three days now,” said Ohio native, James Little. “I can’t see a thing and there are a lot of people threatening me, but boy, am I excited.”



Subway Introduces New Shitty Sandwich Online Ordering

Subway Online OrderingMilford, Connecticut — Today Subway announced plans for an online ordering form so that customers can quickly order their below average sandwiches.

“We’re really excited about our new online ordering form,” said Subway spokesman, Paul Morrison. “Our customers can now quickly order a sandwich filled with lukewarm chicken, and three week-old cheese right from home.”

Morrison said that all the items on Subways sub-par menu will be offered on the online order form.

“We don’t want our customers to worry. If they want a sandwich with crab that has been dead for a year and a half, well you better believe they will be getting that old crab sandwich.”

The menu will also feature unrefrigerated Mayonnaise, rotten turkey, and roast beef that smells like unwashed feet.

Morrison also said that even though there will be not “as much” customer-employee interaction, he hopes that Subway employees will show the same “I don’t give a shit” attitude that the stores have been known for.

“Whether our customers come in for 3 minutes or an hour while we fumble around making mistake after mistake, we want to give an authentic Subway experience. If they don’t leave muttering under their breath that they’ll never come back to such a hell hole on their way out the door then we haven’t done our job.”

Subway plans to unveil their new online ordering system in 2015, but expects it to be riddled with flaws until at least 2017.

Pokemon To Unveil New Character, Metapaws

MetapawsBellevue, Washington — The popular Nintendo game, Pokemon, said they were planning on releasing new versions of the game in 2015, and with it, introduce a brand new Pokemon character.

“We’re really excited about our new Pokemon, Metapaws,” said lead developer, Ryan Brown. “Metapaws has been years in the making, and we’re proud to announce that this Pokemon is finally ready for a debut.”

Brown said that Metapaws will have an interesting backstory, saying that Metapaws has been laying dormant for 51 years, hiding in a deep, dark cave until the player pokes it awake with a stick. Metapaws will be a large dark Pokemon with fiery red eyes, and look generally like a demon.

“We’re really excited about Metapaws’ powers. His main attack will be heat based. He will become very warm and send heat waves off his body. We’re calling the attack ‘hot flash.'”

Brown also said that Metapaws will be unique in that you always have to keep it happy, or it can become irate and hurt either you or your other Pokemon.

“Metapaws will be irritable,” said Brown. “At the most inopportune times in the game Metapaws will go into what we’re calling ‘rage mode.’ You might be exploring a beach, getting supplies, or even napping to restore health and Metapaws will explode with anger, and you, as the player, will have no choice but to deal with it.”

Brown says the sporadic unpredictability of Metapaws will make the game more fun, as the player will have to make order out of the utter chaos that Metapaws creates.

“We’re expecting our players to get a little frustrated at first. There might even be some who can’t deal with Metapaws and have to put the game down, and head to the nearest Dairy Queen, until they can collect themselves and return to the game.”

Man Has Uncomfortable Interview at Hofbrauhaus

Hofbrauhaus InterviewCincinnati, Ohio — Cincinnati native, Michael Fray, told us today that he had the most awkward interview of his life over the weekend, as he met with a CEO from one of the areas top consulting companies.

“I don’t want to name names, but I was called in for an interview at a consulting company I applied for after earning my MBA. I got a call from their CEO, which was already kind of weird, and he asked if I could meet him at the local Hofbrauhaus at around 5 o’clock this past Friday. I obviously obliged, and got ready for a formal interview.”

Fray said that when he got there everything seemed unusually normal.

“Consulting interviews are some of the toughest interviews I’ve ever done, so naturally I prepped pretty hard. When I got there, the CEO, let’s call him Doug, asked if I wanted anything to drink. I thought it was a trick so I said no, but he insisted I have a liter of beer. He also bought me a pretzel.”

Fray said that the “interview” consisted of CEO, Doug, asking him about his social life and whether or not he thought the Hofbrauhaus in Cincinnati was really like the original Hofbrauhaus.

“I was not prepared for that question. I told him that I thought it could be, and he agreed with me. Then after an hour of Doug talking to me about his marital issues, the band started playing. He immediately loosened his tie, got up on the table and put his arm around a random stranger and began singing.”

Fray then said that Doug asked him to get on the table with him, to which he reluctantly agreed.

“We had a few more drinks, and at one point Doug turned to me with tears streaming down his face and said that he gets emotional every time he watches The Lego Movie.”

Fray said he hasn’t heard from the unnamed consulting company since the “interview,” but that he would have to seriously consider what he was getting into if he was offered a position.

Man realizes “haunted apartment” is actually just roommate crying himself to sleep

crying manIndianapolis, Indiana — Doug Johnson moved into his new apartment in Broad Ripple this past year with his roommate, Michael Hess. Recently, Johnson began hearing strange noises at nighttime throughout his residency.

“I would hear wailing in the middle of the night. It sounded like someone was in incredible pain. Initially, I thought we had definitely moved into a haunted apartment. Maybe someone had died there, or maybe it was like a murder or something. Whatever it was, it was definitely weird.”

Johnson said the strange noises began around the same time every night: after he got into bed, and would continue for 30-45 minutes, and then would stop.

“It wasn’t until I tried to track the noise that I realized it was coming from Michael’s room. That’s when I had my suspicions.”

Johnson said after knocking on his roommates door, he entered to see Michael raise his head from his pillow with red eyes and a wet face.

“Oh yeah, Michael tried to cover it up. He said he’d been having an allergic reaction to his pillow, but he was definitely crying. I just asked it I could borrow his milk, and left. No need to make it awkward.”

Johnson said that recently, Michael has had a bit of a rough patch.

“Michael recently got fired from a job that he loved, and then he got a little depressed so his girlfriend left him. The guy has had it rough. Last night he was drinking himself to sleep and spilled beer on his iPhone, which he can’t afford to replace. The crying started shortly after that.”


General Uses Clash of Clans as Blueprint for New Military Strategy

Clash of ClansWashington, D.C. — This week military strategists turned over a new leaf in dealing with militants in the Middle East. Strategists have turned to the popular app, “Clash of Clans,” by SuperCell to utilize in a military role.

“We’re very excited about using Clash of Clans,” said General James G. Waters. “It will be unlike any military strategy we’ve ever implemented.”

General Waters said that the U.S. government will do away traditional special forces, and instead train exclusively-female archers, and shirtless male barbarians to attack enemies.

“If it goes anything like my clan wars, then ISIS and ISIL don’t stand a chance against upwards of 100 archers and 90 barbarians, not to mention when we start using a Barbarian King. America’s enemies better look out!”

General Waters has said he has poured all the money from research and development into finding out ways to create healing and lightning spells to be used on the field of battle.

“Once we get a spell factory to work, we will be unstoppable.”

General Waters has said he has reached out to other countries to see if they would like to form a “clan,” but insists they need at least 10 to go to war.

“England’s on board,” said General Waters, “I’ve got a few others that I’m talking to, but until we get a solid 10 people, I won’t feel comfortable. Especially while France still has a Th6,” said General Waters while chuckling.

One government official, who asked to remain anonymous, voiced his concern.

“General Waters has completely lost his mind. Clash of Clans is all he does now, all day long. I’ll come to him with important matters, about high profile targets, and he says he’s busy raiding and to come back later. He literally allocated 20 million dollars into figuring out a way to make wizards,” said the government official.

General Waters said that if all goes to plan, then America could see rewards of  “400 gold, 250 elixir, and at least 90 dark elixir.”

“That would be a great day.”

SPORTS: Cowboys Owner leaves Owner’s Box during game to man ticket booth, cook hot dogs

Photo courtesy of ESPN Dallas.

Photo courtesy of ESPN Dallas.

During a home loss to the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones redefined the notion of an NFL owner “wearing a lot of hats.”

Previously criticized for seizing the team’s general manager responsibilities in addition to his role as owner, Jones reached an all new low on Monday when he took on seemingly menial positions in a time of organizational need.

“Right before kickoff, several of our ticket scanners went down, leaving hundreds of fans in limbo trying to enter the stadium,” explained ticket manager Barry Haycock. Before Haycock’s team could fix the problem, Jones had gotten wind of the issue and reported immediately to the scene.

“Next thing I knew, Mr. Jones was whispering in my ear, telling me we needed to let the fans through to avoid a riot,” said Haycock. “He even started taking tickets and apologizing to the fans himself.”

Once the issue was resolved, Jones began retreating back to his private box when an assistant informed him that a hot dog station had broken down on the opposite end of the stadium. Sure enough, Jones went straight there to help.

“Our hot dog machine stopped working and we really didn’t know what to do,” one of the line cooks told reporters. “Until Mr. Jones came – he started flipping hot dogs on the grill like they were burgers. It wasn’t pretty, but it worked.”

Jones continued cooking and serving hot dogs until well into the second half. While he was cooking, the Cowboys’ starting quarterback, Tony Romo, suffered a back injury and was forced to exit the game.

When asked why he didn’t leave the hot dog station to check in on Romo and the head coach, Jones responded, “That little ninny boy can pick himself up and dust himself off, but those hot dogs weren’t going to cook themselves.”

Renee Zellweger’s Face Passes Away at Age 45

Renee Zellweger faceLos Angeles, California — Renee Zellweger’s face passed away this week at the tender age of 45. Zellweger’s face starred in all of Renee Zellweger’s previous movies, including Jerry Maguire, Bridget Jones’s Diary, and that other movie that Renee Zellweger starred in. Zellweger’s face was born April 25, 1969 in Katy, Texas, attached to Renee Zellweger’s body. Zellweger’s face got her first break in an uncredited role in the cult classic, Dazed and Confused, starring as “girl in the blue pickup truck.” Her debut role landed her in a lot of B list movies that no one has really heard of.

Zellweger’s face’s biggest claim to fame was when she mouthed the famous line “You had me at hello,” in the Cameron Crowe film, Jerry Maguire. Other famous lines uttered by Renee Zellweger’s face include “Hi, I’m Jenny,” “My name’s Lucy,” and “I’m Irene.”

Zellweger’s face is succeeded by Zellweger’s new face, who has left Zellweger almost unrecognizable, save for experts from TMZ. Zellweger’s old face will always be remembered for making people say, “Yeah, I kind of find her attractive, but I really can’t tell you why?” and for inspiring the age old argument, “Wasn’t she in that movie Mallrats?”

RIP Renee Zellweger’s face; 1969-2014

Man Inspired to Open Gourmet Restaurant after Eating Bacon Clubhouse Burger from McDonalds



DUNDEE, MI – Local resident Stan Walls plans to open his first restaurant, A Taste of Gourmet, sometime early next year. Walls has spent his professional years working in sales for a plastics company, but recently determined that his true calling is in the restaurant business.

“I have always enjoyed a good meal,” said Walls. “But even though my wife and I eat out a lot, I never saw what all the fuss was about. Whether it is Chilean sea bass served on a bed of jasmine rice at Bonefish Grill, or a mushroom stuffed filet with demi-glace sauce at The Cheesecake Factory, it all seems the same.”

This mindset changed for Walls during a recent dining experience. “I stopped into Walmart during my lunch break to buy some socks and refill my allergy prescription, and figured the McDonalds near the entrance was as good a place as any to get lunch,” said Walls.

Stepping up to the cashier, Walls decided to order the featured Bacon Clubhouse Burger. The following moments, as Walls describes them, were moments he won’t soon forget. “I took the first bite, and felt as though I was whisked away from that restaurant, inside that Walmart.”

“Applewood smoked bacon and grilled onions heaped over fresh lettuce and tomato, brilliant white cheddar, tender beef, all infused with special sauce,” Walls described, “swam in my mouth and danced with my taste buds. Any thought or concern in my mind was replaced by the savory, exquisite flavor of this meaty masterpiece.”

After his culinary revelation, Walls was determined to share his newfound passion. “For the first time, I knew how it felt to want to make a dish that changes someone’s life,” said Walls.

“A Taste of Gourmet will be my gift to the world, and much like the Bacon Clubhouse Burger I devoured on that fateful day, we will serve nothing but the highest quality meals money can buy.”

Walls intends to open a four-star quality restaurant with several delicacies including duck breasts, veal, and fresh lobster tail, in addition to a playful homage to the burger that started it all.

“If there is a lost soul, skeptical of the food service industry as I was, he will step into my restaurant, and leave a better man.”