E.L. James to Release “50 Shades of Gary”

50 Shades of GaryLos Angeles, California — E.L. James has announced she is working on a new series of books to go along with her monumentally popular series, “50 Shades of Grey.” James has said her new book entitled, “50 Shades of Gary,” will follow the sexual exploits of a middle-aged, overweight man named Gary.

“50 Shades of Grey was tremendously popular,” said James. “But I just felt like there was a story to be told about a man, who instead of being irresistibly attractive, is just trying to make his way in the world. Gary will be that man.”

James said the story will have the same general structure of the original 50 Shades of Grey: A female protagonist who has a burning sexual curiosity. However, instead of being in a thrilling sexual relationship with a wealthy entrepreneur, she will have to deal with Gary, a 250 pound maintenance man, who will work in the main character’s building.

“Most of her sexual exploits with Gary will end in disappointment,” said James. “Gary won’t be some dark and mysterious man. He’s just a regular guy, who wears his heart on his sleeve, and is just really excited that there’s a girl who wants to sleep with him.”

James further explained that novel will focus on internal struggles occurring within the female lead like “why am I so attracted to a man that always smells like cheese?” “maybe I should see a therapist,” and “I’ve never heard of a sexual fantasy involving uncooked beef.”

We asked James why she decided to write a novel that is such an incredible aberration from her original work, and she replied, that she wanted to “explore a deeply, deeply flawed character. Someone that makes you think that you might throw up in your mouth a little bit. But at the end of the day, the heart wants what the heart wants, and that’s a story worth telling.”

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Under Cover Police Protester Finds He Really Enjoys Protesting

undercover protestorOakland, Calif — This week Oakland police officer, James Hill, was tasked to an undercover assignment to infiltrate the ranks of protesters following the decision to not indict NYPD officer, Daniel Pantaleo. Hill would be going undercover, disguised as an outraged protester to see if he could stem some of the rioting. Unfortunately for the Oakland Police Department, Hill may not have been the man for the job.

“I f***ing love protesting!” said Hill from atop an overturned police cruiser. “I’m having the time of my life out here. We’re lighting stuff on fire, throwing rocks at stores, turning over cars, it’s like living out all my wildest middle school dreams without any of the consequences.”

Hill’s journey from undercover police officer to riot instigator did not take long.

“When this whole thing started, I was just trying to blend in. But right after my first ‘no justice, no peace’ chant, I just felt the fire in my belly. I wanted to burn something down and no one was going to stop me.”

Hill has said he is in a great position and says he has the best of both worlds right now. In his words, he is “living the dream.”

“Outside of the military, where can I get paid to just destroy stuff. Even if the whole thing comes crashing down on me, I can say I was just ‘doing my job.'”

Unfortunately for Hill, the Oakland Police Department knows of his transgressions and is holding it against him.

“The ironic thing is that these protests are about police negligence, and they have one of the most negligent police officers leading the charge,” said bystander, Mark Williams.

After the interview concluded, Hill could be seen running toward a car, holding a hammer, and yelling, “I am Oakland’s reckoning!”

 

Angry Man Angry About Something

angry manAkron, Ohio — A man has been spotted yelling in the street, clearly upset about something. We tried to figure out what exactly he was mad about, but we still are having a hard time discerning exactly why he’s yelling.

When asked directly about why he was yelling and angry the man replied, “God damn Ferguson, and New York City. Am I mad at the police or the protesters!? Because I don’t even know, but I am mad!”

We asked the man to elaborate.

“Gas prices are falling! Am I supposed to be upset or happy about that? Please, tell me! I just filled up my 14 gallon car for less than $20 but I think I’m supposed to want Saudi Arabia to cut oil production? I don’t know what you think, but I am downright mad about something,” said the man said while removing his shirt to reveal a woman crying painted on his chest.

“Bill Cosby is an alleged rapist. You know, the guy who tore into Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy for being offensive. Damn!”

The man continued his rant.

“TCU and Baylor didn’t make the college football playoffs even though Ohio State deserved to, I don’t even know what to do with that one. We’ve got immigrants staying, or are they going? I don’t know, but God damn, I am upset about it one way or the other.”

“Breaking Bad’s over, so that sucks. And where’s my hoverboard Back to The Future?”

We asked the man to elaborate further, and it turned out he was just upset the Browns blew a lead, and lost to the Colts this past Sunday.

Office Hard Ass Infects Everyone with Flu

hardass fluChicago, Illinois — Kramer and Barney is a successful tech firm in downtown Chicago. Most of the staff enjoy where they work, however with the cold and flu season in full swing, one office employee has become unpopular.

“Mark [Filcher] considers himself a ‘power-through’ guy,” said Jenny Barklow, an employee of Kramer and Barney. “Mark is always saying things like ‘sick is as sick does,’ and ‘a cold is only as powerful as you make it.’ Anyways, Mark is suffering from a terrible cold and is infecting everyone in the office. He’s just being a real ass.”

Barklow said that Mark Filcher has had a fever for a few days, and a constant runny nose.

“He looks terrible. Like a mix between someone who took a nap in a sauna and a malnourished Russian.”

Barklow said that employees have repeatedly told Filcher to go home, but every time he refuses.

“It’s disgusting,” said Barklow. “He sneezes in his hand and touches the coffee pot. He’ll read over your shoulder and you can feel his hot, sick breath on your neck. He even fainted during one of our presentations, and when we tried to wake him up, he popped up to his feet, yelled, ‘tada!’ and acted like the whole thing was staged. Go home Mark! No one wants you here.”

We met with Mark at his desk. He was sitting bundled up in a blanket and sweating profusely. Any time we asked him a question, he responded with incoherent mumbling. After he passed out on the floor, we called an ambulance. As they carted Filcher out, the squad received a standing ovation from the office floor.

Millennials not looking forward to inevitable Thanksgiving conversations

Millennials stressNew York City, New York — As America prepares for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, many Millennials are dreading the inevitable holiday conversations with family members about what they are doing with their lives.

“I’m not looking forward to it,” said 23-year-old, Stacy Knox. “I was a Women’s Studies major, you think it’s easy for me to find a job?”

Knox, like many others are having anxiety about facing relatives who had aspirations for them to be doing so much more than what they’ve accomplished.

“My grandfather was a world-renowned surgeon,” said Aaron Ferguson, a graduate of the University of Maryland. “He payed for me to go to college, with the hope that I would also become a doctor. Now I work at a Bob Evans. How am I supposed to look him in the eye and tell him that.”

Many Millennials have resorted to using technical jargon to hopefully confuse relatives enough so they stop asking questions.

“I’m going to do whatever I can to end that conversation quickly,” said Raymond Thompson, an art history major from University of Vermont. “I think if I can say that I work for a start-up, and I’m working on development through mergers and acquisitions, I should be able to avoid telling my aunt and uncle that I work for a failing Tire Discounter.”

In addition, some Millennials are facing added pressure of having a successful sibling who has seemingly figured out their life. For Stacy Knox, that sibling is Becky.

“Becky has to be the best at everything. Sorry Mom and Dad that I’m not a perfect little tax lawyer with a high paying job and a boyfriend,” said Knox while snacking on some Flavor Blasted Goldfish. “So I’m not perfect, okay? So I’m not precious Becky with her 401k and her company cell phone. God, I hate the f****** holidays.”

 

Winter: I’m Back Bitches

Winter's backEverywhere, USA — Winter has released a statement this week about the impending season.

“I’m back bitches,” said Winter, “and you thought last year was harsh, get ready for hell.”

Winter has said it figured out last year what the American population dislikes most and has upped its game to include more of everything people hate about the winter season.

“Last year was all about polar vortex’s,” said Winter. “And this year will be no different, but I will start sooner and end later. I can’t wait to show people days where the high will be 2 degrees not including wind chill. Ice storms will rain down from the gray skies causing car crashes, and power outages that will require you to sleep in your beds wearing down jackets and sweatpants.”

Winter said that this year he will also have a few more tricks up his sleeve.

“When it’s cold all week, and you think on the weekend you’ll just ‘stay home and sit by the fire,’ I will make it cold enough that you will have to go outside twice a day to start your car so it doesn’t die. Then on Monday morning when you need your car most, I will make it so cold that it dies anyway, just to make your week terrible!”

Winter has said its ruthlessness will know no age bracket.

“We all know old people already hate me, but I have a new plan on how to deal with school-aged kids: I will first make it snow, and just when the kids are getting ready to go outside to play, I will make it -17 making any responsible parent keep their children inside where they will throw a tantrum. Then I will create snow day after snow day, getting children excited about missing school, but then the snow days will start having to be made up on summer vacation, and soon enough kids will be in school all of June because of me.”

We asked Winter what it plans to do about the warmer, southern states.

“Oh I have a plan for them too. Everyone knows those bitches in Florida treat 40 degree weather like it’s -100 degrees, with their scarfs and winter coats on the beach, well how about temperatures in the 30’s with snow in the Pan Handle? I bet that will make those people lose their minds.”

In addition, Winter has said it plans to increase it’s share of seasonal time, by hitting the ground running in November, and going all the way through April.

“Fall and Spring can suck it. This year is my time to shine.”

Local Stoner Reprimands High School For Drug Problem

Man dislikes high schoolersPortland, Oregon — 27-year-old, Gregg Clark, of Portland, Oregon enjoys smoking Marijuana. Clark says it helps him “mellow out,” after a workday, and gives him time to relax. Lately Clark’s buzz has been “harshed” by some local high school students.

“These high schools have a big drug problem,” said Clark while smoking a marijuana cigarette. “I see these kids skipping school, with their long hair. I know it’s just a matter of time until I get something stolen.”

Clark said that while he admits to smoking on an almost daily basis, he believes that his claims are justified and not just a product of rampant paranoia.

“Look, I know what you’re thinking, ‘here’s a guy who smokes a lot of weed making ridiculous accusations,’ and yes, it is true that I misplace things more than they’re stolen, but I know these kids are just going down a dangerous road, that will eventually lead to them destroying my property.”

Clark said he plans to organize a meeting addressing the community’s drug problem.

“Drug problem? No, no. We need to stem the teenager problem in this community. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I’m being scouted for thievery and mischief.”

We asked local high schoolers about Mr. Clark, and they said that he’s a “creepy recluse, that doesn’t get outside much.” One student said, “That guy’s 27? He acts like he’s in his 80’s.”

Female CEO Wants Stay-at-Home Husband to Get Off His Ass

man on couchSan Francisco, California — Brooke Morris is a successful CEO of a tech start-up called, Penicorp. Morris built Penicorp from the ground up, and turned it into the multi-million dollar industry it is today. Though she often goes through daily trials and tribulations, her biggest frustration right now is her stay-at-home husband.

“Bill (Morris’s husband) doesn’t do anything all day,” begins Morris. “He takes the kids to school, and then just moseys around the house all day long. In the summer months he just plays with our children all day, but I don’t know what he does to actually contribute to society.”

Bill Walker (Brooke kept her last name when she married) said that when he married Brooke he was the one who was financially responsible for their family.

“I had a great job,” said Walker. “I was doing consulting work for a major PR firm, while Brooke worked part time as a librarian. Then she had this great idea for a company, which I helped back, and low and behold Brooke used her will and determination to make Penicorp what it is today. I stopped working so I could help out around the house and spend time with our children, and boy, do I love it.”

Walker says he is now able to take time doing the things he loves, like spending time with his family, cooking, and working in his wood-shop.

When asked if being a stay at home Dad is hard work Walker replied, “Hell no.”

“I understand Brooke doesn’t think what I do is work, and well, that’s okay, because it really isn’t. I actually can do most of work without putting on pants, but if this wasn’t the lifestyle Brooke wanted, then she could always quit her job.”

Morris replied to Walker’s comments by saying, “Quit my job? Bill must be losing his mind. Who does he think would support this family, or his ‘woodworking.’ Let me tell you something, the only ‘woodworking,’ Bill does is behind our bathroom door.”

Morris and Walker are still working on a balance between work and family but Walker has said he has no plans to change his current situation.

“While we are financially free, I intend to spend all my time with my kids and in my underwear.”

Match.com Unveils New Dog Dating Website

Dallas, Texas — This week the popular dating website, Match.com, unveiled plans for a new dating website for dogs.

“We’re really excited about our new dog dating website, PoochSmooch.com,” said Match.com spokeswoman, Martha Rader. “For the first time, dogs will be able to say, ‘I don’t like being single, and I’m going to do something about it.'”

Rader says that Pooch Smooch will have interactive features that will let dogs pick other dogs while maximizing their compatibility.

“With Pooch Smooch we didn’t want to just throw male dogs at bitches. We really wanted to analyze what qualities dogs find attractive in potential suitors. Maybe there’s a shared love of raw hides, maybe two dogs are both crazy about tennis balls. These are just some of the factors that will go into our Pooch Smooch dating algorithm.”

Rader said that while she expects there to be a few problems with the launch of Pooch Smooch, she is hopeful that they can keep their clients happy.

“As with any launch, there will be some problems, but we want to make sure our canine clients are happy with the service we provide. We absolutely don’t want a dog that loves chasing squirrels to get matched up with a dog that is the size of a squirrel. We would consider that a big mistake on our part.”

When asked if Pooch Smooch would cater exclusively to dogs looking for long-term relationships, Rader responded with a resounding, “heck no!”

“No, we want to cater to dogs of all varieties. If they want to find a dog to spend their life with that’s great, but we’re also going to cater to those dogs who just want to find something to hump, whether that’s another dog, a piece of furniture, or a human leg, Pooch Smooch will be there for them.”

Apple Unveils New “What to Not Name Your Child” App

Don't name your kids appCupertino, California — Today Apple unveiled a new app to help expecting parents name their children. The app hopes to help parents cut down on “naming mistakes,” and looks to cut down on children feeling embarrassed that their parents named them something ridiculous.

“At Apple we try to think about all of our demographics,” said Apple spokesperson, Donna Caldwell. “And one of our key demographics will be people who are not yet born. Therefore we want to help their parents pick out appropriate names that don’t embarrass their children.”

Caldwell says the App was “rather simple” to come up with.

“Basically if you type in a name, and our system autocorrects it, then don’t name your child that. For example, if you want to name your child ‘Rayne’ and our app autocorrects to ‘raccoon’ maybe think about a different name.”

Caldwell said the app should be self explanatory to future parents.

“If you type in LeDarius and it autocorrects to ‘look around,’ you don’t want your child to have to deal with kids sending text messages to ‘look around,’ for a majority of his youth. It’s just confusing.”

Caldwell says that they hope to have future versions of the app that will prevent parents from naming their children after food items.

“Whether it’s an actual food item like ‘Apple,’ or it just looks like a food item like ‘Lettice,’ we want parents to actually give their kids a chance in the world, and we feel like this new app will only benefit children.”

Caldwell says the long term residual affects will help Apple’s stock in the long term.

“If just one child is saved from their parents naming them ‘Quiche,’ then we’ll consider it a victory for Apple.”