Mute Lumberjack Responsible for Co-workers Death

mute lumberjackHackensack, Minnesota — Rory Steele, a 13-year lumberjack veteran, was found dead yesterday morning in northern Minnesota. Steele’s body was found underneath a fallen Chinkapin Oak, which killed him instantly.

Authorities have identified Steele’s tree cutting partner and brand new employee, Austin Gladden, as the man to blame. It is believed that Gladden cut down his first tree, and didn’t yell, “Timber!” which is of course, what all lumberjacks are trained to do.

Fellow lumberjack, Terry Koal, explained the typical tree cutting process. “All you need to do is cut down a big ole’ tree, yell ‘Timber’ and be done with it,” stated Koal.

This brought up the question, “why didn’t Austin Gladden yell, ‘Timber?’” It turns out that Gladden was born a mute, and has never been able to speak. The two men’s boss, Anderson Dozier, was shocked when he had heard Gladden was a mute, even though he hired him.

“The qualifications for this job are simple,” Dozier explained. “You need to be big, have a legitimate beard, and keep to yourself.” Dozier went on to say, “it’s not unusual for a lumberjack to get hired after saying zero words during an interview.”

When asked if Dozier would fire Gladden, Dozier was shocked by the question, “Fire him?! Heck no, that man chopped down that tree in three swings,” proclaimed Dozier while neglecting the death of a human. “Plus, he wears flannel on top, denim on the bottom, and I’ve never seen his teeth. He’s a keeper.”

When we asked Gladden for a statement he looked at us with a blank stare, nodded, and immediately left the room.

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Recent College Grad Not Sure if She Should Order Her Ninth Drink

recent college grad drinkingCHICAGO, IL — Elizabeth Yapp, who just graduated from college, is on the fence about whether or not to order her ninth drink of the night. Ever since moving to Chicago in February, Yapp has not been sure if she should drink like a college student or a young professional.

Throughout her college career, Yapp would always err on the side of fun – and totally drink more. But ever since starting her first full-time job, she has been hesitant about her drinking habits.

“I meet all of these young professionals at the bars and they only have one or two drinks, then they leave and go home,” explained Yapp in disbelief. “I always wonder if I should do the same.”

Yapp, who has always gone by Lizzy, but has since changed her name to Elizabeth to seem more professional, tried the two drink approach last week. “It was boring as hell,” stated Yapp, “and I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”

Frustrated by her fellow young professional’s drinking habits, Yapp decided to attempt to find a happy balance between the two lifestyles. “It’s just really hard,” said Yapp. “Getting drunk is just so freaking fun”.

Yapp’s co-worker and friend, Alyssa Cooper, is fed up with her drunken, young professional friend. “It’s absurd, really,” said Cooper. “She binge drinks all night, acting super obnoxious, and then wakes up the following day at a reasonable hour and works on her resume.”

“When she blacks out she yells things like, ‘I own this city’, ‘I can get as drunk as I want,’ ‘we have interns for a reason’, and ‘I’d totally french my boss,’” said Cooper.

While ordering her ninth drink of the night, Yapp was explaining to her friends, “[I’m] really not that drunk. I just need one more drink. Then we can go.”