SPORTS: Cowboys Owner leaves Owner’s Box during game to man ticket booth, cook hot dogs

Photo courtesy of ESPN Dallas.

Photo courtesy of ESPN Dallas.

During a home loss to the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones redefined the notion of an NFL owner “wearing a lot of hats.”

Previously criticized for seizing the team’s general manager responsibilities in addition to his role as owner, Jones reached an all new low on Monday when he took on seemingly menial positions in a time of organizational need.

“Right before kickoff, several of our ticket scanners went down, leaving hundreds of fans in limbo trying to enter the stadium,” explained ticket manager Barry Haycock. Before Haycock’s team could fix the problem, Jones had gotten wind of the issue and reported immediately to the scene.

“Next thing I knew, Mr. Jones was whispering in my ear, telling me we needed to let the fans through to avoid a riot,” said Haycock. “He even started taking tickets and apologizing to the fans himself.”

Once the issue was resolved, Jones began retreating back to his private box when an assistant informed him that a hot dog station had broken down on the opposite end of the stadium. Sure enough, Jones went straight there to help.

“Our hot dog machine stopped working and we really didn’t know what to do,” one of the line cooks told reporters. “Until Mr. Jones came – he started flipping hot dogs on the grill like they were burgers. It wasn’t pretty, but it worked.”

Jones continued cooking and serving hot dogs until well into the second half. While he was cooking, the Cowboys’ starting quarterback, Tony Romo, suffered a back injury and was forced to exit the game.

When asked why he didn’t leave the hot dog station to check in on Romo and the head coach, Jones responded, “That little ninny boy can pick himself up and dust himself off, but those hot dogs weren’t going to cook themselves.”

Man Cancels Amazon Account After Daily Deals Become Too Personal

Amazon_logoGREENSBORO, N.C. – Local man, Walt Jenkins, has made recent claims that Amazon, the world’s largest online marketplace, has gotten to know him a little too well.

“I have an account on Amazon, and receive emails with daily deals,” said Jenkins. “At first, the recommendations were pretty standard – eight dollar Blu-rays, best-selling books, miscellaneous electronics.”

“But then they started sending local deals based on my address. Discounts at local restaurants, massage centers, and nearby getaways,” Jenkins explained. “Still, I found these pretty convenient and useful.”

According to Jenkins, the personalization didn’t stop there, though.

“Out of nowhere, the recommendations became oddly accurate,” said Jenkins. “For instance, I was telling my mom on the phone that I should start doing yoga, and the next day, Amazon recommended yoga mats and instructional DVDs.”

“A week later, I went to the doctor to get, well, a hemorrhoid looked at, and wouldn’t you know, Amazon sends me a deal on hemorrhoid pillows,” said Jenkins, frustrated. “I did end up buying a pillow, because the deal was pretty good.”

Jenkins explained that it was not only the recommendations that started getting personal, either.

“All of the emails start off with ‘Get deals tailored just for you,’ but lately they’ve added a winky-face emoticon.”

For Jenkins, the final straw came last week. “The deals seemed to be getting less personal, as if they knew I was on to them,” said Jenkins. “Then, they sent me a deal on ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ books. I didn’t even know my wife was pregnant! Somehow, Amazon did.”

Jenkins has since deleted his Amazon account, and now lives in a constant state of fear and paranoia.

SPORTS: Minnesota Vikings Retire Favre’s Jersey before Green Bay has the Chance

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The decision was made late last night that the Green Bay Packers will be inducting Brett Favre into their hall of fame, and retiring his iconic #4 jersey.

“Favre is one of the best quarterbacks our franchise has ever had, or the NFL has ever had, for that matter,” said Packers president and CEO, Mark Murphy. “You cannot think about the Green Bay Packers without thinking about Brett Favre, or vice versa.”

However, without making any announcements or telling anyone, the Minnesota Vikings retired Favre’s jersey this morning. Favre played for the Vikings during the 2009 season when they made it to the NFC Championship game, and the 2010 season until he ultimately got injured and forced into re-re-re-retirement.

Now that the word is out, Vikings owner Zygi Wilf has issued the following statement regarding the team’s decision to retire Favre’s number:

“Favre is one of the best quarterbacks our franchise has ever had, or the NFL has ever had, for that matter. You cannot think about the Minnesota Vikings without thinking about Brett Favre, or vice versa. Although his legacy is largely built from his 16 seasons with the Green Bay Packers, it is worth noting that he had one of his finest statistical seasons in 2009 playing for the Minnesota Vikings. It is a season that Vikings nation will never forget, and thus our best course of action was to retire Favre’s jersey and put it on display for all Vikings fans to see. We are proud to be the first team to retire the number four from our organization.”

During his 2009 season in Minnesota, Favre had the highest completion percentage of his career at 68.4%, and the highest quarterback rating of his career at 107.2. He also set the NFL record for individual mentions on Sportcenter at 4,374 in a season, roughly two mentions per episode.

Only recently told about this decision, Brett Favre expressed his appreciation.

“I want to thank the Minnesota Vikings. Maybe one of these days I’ll take the jersey out of retirement myself so I can put it back on and get back out there. Just kidding,” said Favre in a tone that made it sound like he might not be kidding.

Man Inspired to Open Gourmet Restaurant after Eating Bacon Clubhouse Burger from McDonalds



DUNDEE, MI – Local resident Stan Walls plans to open his first restaurant, A Taste of Gourmet, sometime early next year. Walls has spent his professional years working in sales for a plastics company, but recently determined that his true calling is in the restaurant business.

“I have always enjoyed a good meal,” said Walls. “But even though my wife and I eat out a lot, I never saw what all the fuss was about. Whether it is Chilean sea bass served on a bed of jasmine rice at Bonefish Grill, or a mushroom stuffed filet with demi-glace sauce at The Cheesecake Factory, it all seems the same.”

This mindset changed for Walls during a recent dining experience. “I stopped into Walmart during my lunch break to buy some socks and refill my allergy prescription, and figured the McDonalds near the entrance was as good a place as any to get lunch,” said Walls.

Stepping up to the cashier, Walls decided to order the featured Bacon Clubhouse Burger. The following moments, as Walls describes them, were moments he won’t soon forget. “I took the first bite, and felt as though I was whisked away from that restaurant, inside that Walmart.”

“Applewood smoked bacon and grilled onions heaped over fresh lettuce and tomato, brilliant white cheddar, tender beef, all infused with special sauce,” Walls described, “swam in my mouth and danced with my taste buds. Any thought or concern in my mind was replaced by the savory, exquisite flavor of this meaty masterpiece.”

After his culinary revelation, Walls was determined to share his newfound passion. “For the first time, I knew how it felt to want to make a dish that changes someone’s life,” said Walls.

“A Taste of Gourmet will be my gift to the world, and much like the Bacon Clubhouse Burger I devoured on that fateful day, we will serve nothing but the highest quality meals money can buy.”

Walls intends to open a four-star quality restaurant with several delicacies including duck breasts, veal, and fresh lobster tail, in addition to a playful homage to the burger that started it all.

“If there is a lost soul, skeptical of the food service industry as I was, he will step into my restaurant, and leave a better man.”