Glendale, California — After thousands of people have begun boycotting Nestle products, the company has issued a press conference explaining many of their “questionable” business practices, including the distribution of Magi Noodles containing lead, buying water rights in drought stricken areas, and possibly using forced labor to gather cocoa for chocolate.
“Look, we’re ‘sorry’ about some of our questionable business ethics,” said PR spokesman, Mark Williams. “Last time I checked though, people we’re eating our Magi Noodles like they were crack…not that we put crack in our noodles, they only have lead, and just enough to cause abdominal pain and possible hearing loss.”
Williams then addressed the bottling of water from drought stricken areas.
“We at Nestle aren’t trying to negatively affect areas around the world. It just happens when we take massive amounts of water from areas. It’s not our fault it doesn’t ‘rain,’ and that we’ve ‘sucked aquifers dry.’ We’re just trying to get water from third world countries into developed countries, that probably don’t really need it.”
Williams then began speaking in circles, “Are we a good company? Are we bad? Who’s to say, but water, noodles and T.V. dinners! Am I right!? Who’s with me?!”
After attempting to start a “Nestle” chant and failing, Williams then addressed the use of forced labor.
“You know, Nestle also ‘forces’ people to live in places like Fort Wayne and Fremont, and I don’t see anyone complaining about that. Do we provide wages to workers in other nations? Well that’s debatable, but at least those people get to work outside in the fresh air, and are able to sometimes drink some fresh water – that is, if we haven’t bottled it and sold it to the fine people of Southern California.”
After boo’s rained down on Williams, he tried to calm the crowd by exclaiming, “Free Wonka Bars for everyone!” throwing dozens of Wonka bars into the crowd. After one hit a teenage girl in the face, Williams chuckled and said, “Well I guess that’s just another black eye for Nestle.”