Alabama Police Issue Statement in Tasing of Teenage Girl

Alabama TaserRainbow City, ALABAMA — Alabama Police today issued a statement regarding the use of a taser on a teenage girl who was having a seizure at a concert. The Rainbow City police department officers that allegedly tased the teenage girl three times, said they had never seen a seizure before.

One of the officers involved, Chad Barnes said, “When that girl started seizing and convulsing, I thought the devil had taken ahold of her. After all, she was at a rap concert. I thought I had no choice but to zap the demons out of her.”

The admission of gross misconduct was generally repeated throughout the department.

“Ain’t nothin’ scarier than a teenage girl with the devil inside of her. I don’t know if you all have seen that Emily Rose movie, but heck, that gave me nightmares for months. I don’t know what a ‘seizure’ is, but I knew I was scared, and when I get scared, I use my taser until I feel safe, regardless of the situation.” said Officer Buck Williams, another officer who used his taser on the teenage girl.

While many still don’t understand why five officers were used to restrain the young, unconscious girl, even more puzzling was the use of a taser on the girl’s mother who came in her pajamas to collect her daughter.

“If my momma taught me anything , it’s never trust a woman in pajama pants,” said Bill Williams, the officer involved in the tasing of the mother. “At that point I was so hopped up on adrenalin from tasing people, I would have tased my own wife. I just love using my taser! Sometimes the boys at the precinct and I just tase each other until one of us craps our pants. We call it ‘The Electric Slide.’”

The Rainbow City Chief of Police could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy covering his face and shaking his head in disbelief.

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Nestle Issues “Explanation” Following Massive Boycott

Nestle Boycott Glendale, California — After thousands of people have begun boycotting Nestle products, the company has issued a press conference explaining many of their “questionable” business practices, including the distribution of Magi Noodles containing lead, buying water rights in drought stricken areas, and possibly using forced labor to gather cocoa for chocolate.

“Look, we’re ‘sorry’ about some of our questionable business ethics,” said PR spokesman, Mark Williams. “Last time I checked though, people we’re eating our Magi Noodles like they were crack…not that we put crack in our noodles, they only have lead, and just enough to cause abdominal pain and possible hearing loss.”

Williams then addressed the bottling of water from drought stricken areas.

“We at Nestle aren’t trying to negatively affect areas around the world. It just happens when we take massive amounts of water from areas. It’s not our fault it doesn’t ‘rain,’ and that we’ve ‘sucked aquifers dry.’ We’re just trying to get water from third world countries into developed countries, that probably don’t really need it.”

Williams then began speaking in circles, “Are we a good company? Are we bad? Who’s to say, but water, noodles and T.V. dinners! Am I right!? Who’s with me?!”

After attempting to start a “Nestle” chant and failing, Williams then addressed the use of forced labor.

“You know, Nestle also ‘forces’ people to live in places like Fort Wayne and Fremont, and I don’t see anyone complaining about that. Do we provide wages to workers in other nations? Well that’s debatable, but at least those people get to work outside in the fresh air, and are able to sometimes drink some fresh water – that is, if we haven’t bottled it and sold it to the fine people of Southern California.”

After boo’s rained down on Williams, he tried to calm the crowd by exclaiming, “Free Wonka Bars for everyone!” throwing dozens of Wonka bars into the crowd. After one hit a teenage girl in the face, Williams chuckled and said, “Well I guess that’s just another black eye for Nestle.”