New York City, New York — The “dad-bod” obsession has come to an abrupt end after society had a collective, “what were we thinking” moment this past weekend. As soon as summer hit and men everywhere began removing their shirts to reveal hairy, sweaty chests, people began imploring those with dad-bod to kindly put their shirts back on.
College student, Craig Newlin is taking credit for making “dad-bod” a part of mainstream society.
“I don’t know how people bought the whole dad-bod thing,” said Newlin. “I mean I remember being super drunk, taking off my shirt and shouting, ‘I have dad-bod! I have dad-bod!’ and then all my fraternity brothers started joining in. It’s not something I’m proud of, but am I going to stop drinking beer? Yeah freaking right.”
Apparently, upon witnessing the event, a bunch of sorority girls went home and were convinced that dad bod was a new trend. Within hours, a Buzzfeed “listicle” was published, which apparently, an entire nation of people momentarily agreed with.
“Look at me,” said Newlin. “I’m nothing special. I don’t workout, and I think running is for people who want to put their bodies in constant discomfort for 30-45 minutes. I have the type of body that says, ‘Yeah, he could live to be 65, but do you really want to put money on it?’ If that’s what girls are into then I guess it’s a good time to be Craig Newlin.”
One of Newlin’s fraternity brothers, Jack Stromp, has been upset about the dad-bod craze since it’s inception.
“Are you kidding me? Craig is now the poster child of ‘what women want.’ Well that’s great, I guess I should have been binge drinking, and eating fried chicken for the past three years. Forget the hours I put in at the gym. My God, I once saw Craig eat a whole pizza with cream cheese on it and that was after dipping it Papa Johns Garlic sauce. I’m just glad it’s over.”