Following Game of Thrones Season Finale, Dad Overuses “Spoiler Alert”

spoiler alertTopeka, Kansas — Following the season 5 finale of Game of Thrones, Brian Ward, husband and father of three, has begun liberally using the phrase “spoiler alert” in his everyday life, and, in just two days, it has become a major burden on his family.

“He didn’t know what it meant until he started reading online Game of Thrones forums. Now it’s gotten well out of hand,” said Ward’s 17-year-old son, Jake. “He thinks if he says ‘spoiler alert,’ before he does something atrocious, it makes everything okay.”

Jake said his father’s mental state started deteriorating after the infamous “Red Wedding” from the third season and has been declining ever since.

“Last night he told me, ‘Guess who my favorite child is. Spoiler alert! Your sister,’” said Jake.

Jake said that his father has begun using “spoiler alert” so often that the family is constantly on edge.

Jake gave us some more examples ranging from, “Guess how old the milk is that your drinking. Spoiler alert! 3 months!” “Guess who’s having sex with your Mother tonight. Spoiler alert! Me!” and “Guess who fell in the shower and is now in the hospital. Spoiler alert! Nana!”

“It’s really awful,” said Jake. “We’ve tried to get him to stop but he keeps saying, ‘if George R.R. Martin can kill off all of my favorite characters, then, spoiler alert! I’m not stopping,’ and honestly, I can’t really argue with that.”

“Dad-Bod” Once Again to be Called “Fat”

Dad bodNew York City, New York — The “dad-bod” obsession has come to an abrupt end after society had a collective, “what were we thinking” moment this past weekend. As soon as summer hit and men everywhere began removing their shirts to reveal hairy, sweaty chests, people began imploring those with dad-bod to kindly put their shirts back on.

College student, Craig Newlin is taking credit for making “dad-bod” a part of mainstream society.

“I don’t know how people bought the whole dad-bod thing,” said Newlin. “I mean I remember being super drunk, taking off my shirt and shouting, ‘I have dad-bod! I have dad-bod!’ and then all my fraternity brothers started joining in. It’s not something I’m proud of, but am I going to stop drinking beer? Yeah freaking right.”

Apparently, upon witnessing the event, a bunch of sorority girls went home and were convinced that dad bod was a new trend. Within hours, a Buzzfeed “listicle” was published, which apparently, an entire nation of people momentarily agreed with.

“Look at me,” said Newlin. “I’m nothing special. I don’t workout, and I think running is for people who want to put their bodies in constant discomfort for 30-45 minutes. I have the type of body that says, ‘Yeah, he could live to be 65, but do you really want to put money on it?’ If that’s what girls are into then I guess it’s a good time to be Craig Newlin.”

One of Newlin’s fraternity brothers, Jack Stromp, has been upset about the dad-bod craze since it’s inception.

“Are you kidding me? Craig is now the poster child of ‘what women want.’ Well that’s great, I guess I should have been binge drinking, and eating fried chicken for the past three years. Forget the hours I put in at the gym. My God, I once saw Craig eat a whole pizza with cream cheese on it and that was after dipping it Papa Johns Garlic sauce. I’m just glad it’s over.”