McDonalds to Offer New Kiosk-Style Ordering

McDonalds KioskOak Broak, Illinois — McDonalds announced today that it would start featuring a new kiosk ordering system that will allow customers to use a touch screen to place their fast food orders. Spokesperson, Ben Lillard, has said customers should not fear the change, as McDonalds promises to still rarely get an order right, and that the machine will be just as unprofessional as its regular employees.

“We’re really excited about our new kiosk ordering system,” said Lillard. “We know that the change will make some of our customers a little uneasy at first, but rest assured, McDonalds has a system in place to make it feel just like a broken home.”

Lillard has said the new Kiosk will have a feature where it mutters softly, “do you want fries with that?” and when you ask it to repeat itself, it will loudly shout at you in a derogatory tone, “I SAID, YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT!?” making you feel like an idiot for not hearing it the first time, while simultaneously ruining the rest of your day.

“We also know our customers have become accustomed to a certain type of McDonalds service, one where if they order a cheeseburger with no pickles, rest assured they will get a patty with nothing but a bun and pickles. We don’t intend for these new kiosks to change a thing about how we do business.”

Lillard also said the new kiosks will occasionally lose orders altogether, causing customers to wait for upwards of 30 minutes, only to find out their order never was taken in the first place.

The new McDonalds kiosks will first take effect in airports.

“We felt that we should introduce our new kiosks into the most dysfunctional McDonalds first, so we know for a fact that we are not losing our incredibly low-end customer service that people crave.”

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Iran to US: Let’s See What Else They’ll Give Us

Ali KhameneiWashington D.C. — In the wake of a new nuclear deal for Iran, Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, has decided to see what else the United States is willing to grant his nation.

“They said ‘yes’ to nuclear weapons!” Began Khamenei, “That was like when a teenage girl asks for a new car for her birthday, with the hopes that she might be given $200 and a new pair of shoes. But they said yes!”

Clearly excited, Ali Khamenei said he wants to see what else President Obama is willing to give him.

“I feel like I just found out after 20 years that my Dad was a secret billionaire, and now will buy me whatever I want. Hey Mr. President, how about some of those brand new F22- Raptors? I promise I won’t use them, we just want to Iran to have them, you know to look at, because they’re so ‘pretty,'” said Ali Khamenei, making his best impression of puppy-dog eyes.

Ali Khamenei then expanded his requests from military devices to pop culture icons, “Maybe you should just let us have Jennifer Lawrence. I’ve always liked her, I’m a big fan of The Hunger Games, and would love to have her act out the final movie, playing all the parts. And while you’re at it, throw in Kevin Hart, that tiny man makes me laugh.”

Finally Ali Khamenei asked for a Walmart to be placed in the capital city of Tehran.

“You think I like hopping from store to store getting groceries, clothing, and weapons? Not at all. I want a Walmart Super Center where I can buy some Frito Tiny-Twists, and then hop over to the clothing section, pick up a shirt that says, “quit staring!” and then go buy 4-5 rifles, and maybe a fishing rod.” Ali Khamenei paused briefly and burst out laughing, “Haha, no, there’s no fishing in Iran, I would buy another gun.”