Rabbi Deems Long-Lasting Contact Lenses Miraculous

Rabbi Contact lensesNew York, New York — Rabbi Yosef Hayim today announced that he would like to a create a new book in the Torah mirroring the Hanukkah miracle, except instead of oil lasting for eight nights, his new book would be all about his 2-week long contact lenses lasting two months.

“Isn’t that a miracle!?” Said Rabbi Hayim emphatically. “These bad boys were supposed to last me two weeks, and yeah sometimes I stretch them out for another week or so, but I have had these things for two whole months with no sign of deterioration.”

Rabbi Hayim was so profoundly blown away by his contact lenses that he began writing a book he hopes to have approved for an addition to the Torah.

“Look, that book is old, and hasn’t been updated in a long time. It’s time we got a modern story in there, and I honestly can’t think of a better story than these miraculous contact lenses!”

Rabbi Hayim has decided that December 20th — the day he opened his contact lenses — will serve as the official day for his new Jewish holiday.

“I realize that my new holiday might interfere with Hanukkah, but I don’t see why, while we’re having the Festival of Lights, we can’t also have a Festival of Sight! Oy vey! I just came up with that, I’m going to have to write that down.”

Rabbi Hayim has stated that he hopes his new holiday is celebrated by people giving gifts like eyeglasses, sunglasses, Opti-free contact solution, Binoculars along with any other object that might have an ocular use.

“Let’s not forget about collideascopes. Those things freak me out!”

D-bag Friend Won’t Stop Talking About His Samsung, Galaxy

Dbag Samsung GalaxyBoston, Massachusetts — This past year, Gary Harper decided to switch from his iPhone 5 to a Samsung Galaxy, stating that he “just wanted to try something new.” According to his friends, Harper will not stop talking about his Samsung Galaxy.

“The dude will not shut up about his Galaxy,” said one of Harper’s friends, Michael Anderson. “He’s had it for a month and anytime he has to do anything on his phone, he first verbally prefaces what he’s about to do, by saying, ‘well let me just get out my Samsung Galaxy.’ He’s driving everyone insane.”

Apparently, Harper’s friends have gotten to the point where they have stopped inviting him places because they hate hearing about his Galaxy.

“Gary is out of hand,” said ex-girlfriend, Kelly Lattimore. “We had a great relationship until that damn phone came into his life. Suddenly he acted like he was so much better than everyone. He even criticized my Mom’s cooking. He told her that she, ‘must have gotten that recipe from an iPhone.’ She didn’t. She got it from my late grandma.”

Harper has even stooped so low as to start calling Siri a slut and berating his friends for using such a gutter-trash voice operating system, stating that “At least Cortana doesn’t her open legs for anyone who asks.”

“We get it,” said Anderson, “He thinks his phone is functional, and he likes it a lot. But you should see Gary when we have a group iMessage. He always asks us to switch to ‘WhatsApp’ if we’re going to group chat, and it’s like, Gary, no!”

We asked Harper about his Samsung Galaxy obsession, and he responded by saying, “Oh yeah, my friends are all iPhone users and they don’t know what they’re missing, I mean look at this.”

Harper then tried to show us his phone, but an error message appeared on the screen, followed by a blue screen and then his phone shut off. Harper then quietly swore, and said, “Every damn time…”

Girl with no body criticized for taking too many selfies

girl with no body selfieAmanda Moore was born without arms, legs, or a torso. While her life has been a struggle, Amanda likes to think she’s made the best out of her medical condition. Last year, Amanda decided to join the popular dating app, Tinder.

“I thought it would be fun,” said the torsoless, Amanda. “All of my friends were joining, and I thought I might meet the man of my dreams, who might have an affinity for bodiless people. So I had my friends take a few quick photos and I joined.”

Amanda thought wrong. Instead of finding the man of her dreams, she was berated for only taking selfies.

“People got mad when they couldn’t see the rest of my body, like I was trying to trick them or something, but the thing is, I don’t have a body. If I did, I would take pictures of me doing things other people with bodies like to do; you know, running, walking, using my hands to eat various food items, or even high-fiving a friend.”

Many of Amanda’s Tinder “matches” said they thought her face was pretty, but were skeptical when she wouldn’t show the any other body part.

One male subscriber said, “She looked really cute, so I asked for a photo of her doing something fun, and she said she couldn’t because she ‘didn’t have a body.’ I was like ‘shit girl, that’s fine, you don’t have to be a model or anything, just show me what you like to do.’ But she just kept sayin’, ‘I don’t have a body, I don’t have a body.’ That’s when I unmatched her.”

Amanda said she’s surprised that most people don’t understand her predicament because she plainly states in her bio that she is “just a girl with no legs, no arms and no torso, looking to have a good time.”

“People think I’m joking, or that I’m some girl with a witty sense of humor, but I’m just describing my life.”

Amanda has since deleted Tinder and joined Christian Mingle stating, “There are all kinds of people on there looking for a human head.”


E.L. James to Release “50 Shades of Gary”

50 Shades of GaryLos Angeles, California — E.L. James has announced she is working on a new series of books to go along with her monumentally popular series, “50 Shades of Grey.” James has said her new book entitled, “50 Shades of Gary,” will follow the sexual exploits of a middle-aged, overweight man named Gary.

“50 Shades of Grey was tremendously popular,” said James. “But I just felt like there was a story to be told about a man, who instead of being irresistibly attractive, is just trying to make his way in the world. Gary will be that man.”

James said the story will have the same general structure of the original 50 Shades of Grey: A female protagonist who has a burning sexual curiosity. However, instead of being in a thrilling sexual relationship with a wealthy entrepreneur, she will have to deal with Gary, a 250 pound maintenance man, who will work in the main character’s building.

“Most of her sexual exploits with Gary will end in disappointment,” said James. “Gary won’t be some dark and mysterious man. He’s just a regular guy, who wears his heart on his sleeve, and is just really excited that there’s a girl who wants to sleep with him.”

James further explained that novel will focus on internal struggles occurring within the female lead like “why am I so attracted to a man that always smells like cheese?” “maybe I should see a therapist,” and “I’ve never heard of a sexual fantasy involving uncooked beef.”

We asked James why she decided to write a novel that is such an incredible aberration from her original work, and she replied, that she wanted to “explore a deeply, deeply flawed character. Someone that makes you think that you might throw up in your mouth a little bit. But at the end of the day, the heart wants what the heart wants, and that’s a story worth telling.”