New York, New York — Rabbi Yosef Hayim today announced that he would like to a create a new book in the Torah mirroring the Hanukkah miracle, except instead of oil lasting for eight nights, his new book would be all about his 2-week long contact lenses lasting two months.
“Isn’t that a miracle!?” Said Rabbi Hayim emphatically. “These bad boys were supposed to last me two weeks, and yeah sometimes I stretch them out for another week or so, but I have had these things for two whole months with no sign of deterioration.”
Rabbi Hayim was so profoundly blown away by his contact lenses that he began writing a book he hopes to have approved for an addition to the Torah.
“Look, that book is old, and hasn’t been updated in a long time. It’s time we got a modern story in there, and I honestly can’t think of a better story than these miraculous contact lenses!”
Rabbi Hayim has decided that December 20th — the day he opened his contact lenses — will serve as the official day for his new Jewish holiday.
“I realize that my new holiday might interfere with Hanukkah, but I don’t see why, while we’re having the Festival of Lights, we can’t also have a Festival of Sight! Oy vey! I just came up with that, I’m going to have to write that down.”
Rabbi Hayim has stated that he hopes his new holiday is celebrated by people giving gifts like eyeglasses, sunglasses, Opti-free contact solution, Binoculars along with any other object that might have an ocular use.
“Let’s not forget about collideascopes. Those things freak me out!”