“We’re really excited about our new online ordering form,” said Subway spokesman, Paul Morrison. “Our customers can now quickly order a sandwich filled with lukewarm chicken, and three week-old cheese right from home.”
Morrison said that all the items on Subways sub-par menu will be offered on the online order form.
“We don’t want our customers to worry. If they want a sandwich with crab that has been dead for a year and a half, well you better believe they will be getting that old crab sandwich.”
The menu will also feature unrefrigerated Mayonnaise, rotten turkey, and roast beef that smells like unwashed feet.
Morrison also said that even though there will be not “as much” customer-employee interaction, he hopes that Subway employees will show the same “I don’t give a shit” attitude that the stores have been known for.
“Whether our customers come in for 3 minutes or an hour while we fumble around making mistake after mistake, we want to give an authentic Subway experience. If they don’t leave muttering under their breath that they’ll never come back to such a hell hole on their way out the door then we haven’t done our job.”
Subway plans to unveil their new online ordering system in 2015, but expects it to be riddled with flaws until at least 2017.