Office Hard Ass Infects Everyone with Flu

hardass fluChicago, Illinois — Kramer and Barney is a successful tech firm in downtown Chicago. Most of the staff enjoy where they work, however with the cold and flu season in full swing, one office employee has become unpopular.

“Mark [Filcher] considers himself a ‘power-through’ guy,” said Jenny Barklow, an employee of Kramer and Barney. “Mark is always saying things like ‘sick is as sick does,’ and ‘a cold is only as powerful as you make it.’ Anyways, Mark is suffering from a terrible cold and is infecting everyone in the office. He’s just being a real ass.”

Barklow said that Mark Filcher has had a fever for a few days, and a constant runny nose.

“He looks terrible. Like a mix between someone who took a nap in a sauna and a malnourished Russian.”

Barklow said that employees have repeatedly told Filcher to go home, but every time he refuses.

“It’s disgusting,” said Barklow. “He sneezes in his hand and touches the coffee pot. He’ll read over your shoulder and you can feel his hot, sick breath on your neck. He even fainted during one of our presentations, and when we tried to wake him up, he popped up to his feet, yelled, ‘tada!’ and acted like the whole thing was staged. Go home Mark! No one wants you here.”

We met with Mark at his desk. He was sitting bundled up in a blanket and sweating profusely. Any time we asked him a question, he responded with incoherent mumbling. After he passed out on the floor, we called an ambulance. As they carted Filcher out, the squad received a standing ovation from the office floor.

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