Thousands Anxiously Await Being Disappointed With New Years Plans

New YearsNew York City, New York — With New Years Eve quickly approaching, thousands have made plans that will inevitability let them down. Whether it’s freezing in the cold in Times Square for the better part of four hours, or it’s paying $120 for a ticket to a bar that will run out of alcohol, New Years Eve will provide just enough angst to make people annoyed.

“I can’t wait to spend three hours in a line to get in a bar that I paid an outrageous cover for!” said 28-year-old, Mike Remy. “Sure I could get there at five and skip the line, but where would be the fun in that? I would miss potentially getting frostbite, and drunken girls trying to ditch the line because they ‘have to pee.'”

Don’t forget all those hosting New Years Eve parties, they too are looking forward to their properties being damaged beyond repair.

“Last year our friend Jake got out or hand and starting putting holes in our wall just for kicks,” said party hoster, Amanda Stack. “He ended up puking on our carpet and causing no less than $300 in damages which he never repaid. We think this might finally be the year where someone invites a total stranger and we got robbed blind, and we can’t wait!”

Let’s not forget those venturing to New York City for the famous ball-dropping ceremony, while standing outside in extreme cold with little to no room to move.

“We’ve been standing outside for what feels like three days now,” said Ohio native, James Little. “I can’t see a thing and there are a lot of people threatening me, but boy, am I excited.”

 

 

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Subway Introduces New Shitty Sandwich Online Ordering

Subway Online OrderingMilford, Connecticut — Today Subway announced plans for an online ordering form so that customers can quickly order their below average sandwiches.

“We’re really excited about our new online ordering form,” said Subway spokesman, Paul Morrison. “Our customers can now quickly order a sandwich filled with lukewarm chicken, and three week-old cheese right from home.”

Morrison said that all the items on Subways sub-par menu will be offered on the online order form.

“We don’t want our customers to worry. If they want a sandwich with crab that has been dead for a year and a half, well you better believe they will be getting that old crab sandwich.”

The menu will also feature unrefrigerated Mayonnaise, rotten turkey, and roast beef that smells like unwashed feet.

Morrison also said that even though there will be not “as much” customer-employee interaction, he hopes that Subway employees will show the same “I don’t give a shit” attitude that the stores have been known for.

“Whether our customers come in for 3 minutes or an hour while we fumble around making mistake after mistake, we want to give an authentic Subway experience. If they don’t leave muttering under their breath that they’ll never come back to such a hell hole on their way out the door then we haven’t done our job.”

Subway plans to unveil their new online ordering system in 2015, but expects it to be riddled with flaws until at least 2017.

Under Cover Police Protester Finds He Really Enjoys Protesting

undercover protestorOakland, Calif — This week Oakland police officer, James Hill, was tasked to an undercover assignment to infiltrate the ranks of protesters following the decision to not indict NYPD officer, Daniel Pantaleo. Hill would be going undercover, disguised as an outraged protester to see if he could stem some of the rioting. Unfortunately for the Oakland Police Department, Hill may not have been the man for the job.

“I f***ing love protesting!” said Hill from atop an overturned police cruiser. “I’m having the time of my life out here. We’re lighting stuff on fire, throwing rocks at stores, turning over cars, it’s like living out all my wildest middle school dreams without any of the consequences.”

Hill’s journey from undercover police officer to riot instigator did not take long.

“When this whole thing started, I was just trying to blend in. But right after my first ‘no justice, no peace’ chant, I just felt the fire in my belly. I wanted to burn something down and no one was going to stop me.”

Hill has said he is in a great position and says he has the best of both worlds right now. In his words, he is “living the dream.”

“Outside of the military, where can I get paid to just destroy stuff. Even if the whole thing comes crashing down on me, I can say I was just ‘doing my job.'”

Unfortunately for Hill, the Oakland Police Department knows of his transgressions and is holding it against him.

“The ironic thing is that these protests are about police negligence, and they have one of the most negligent police officers leading the charge,” said bystander, Mark Williams.

After the interview concluded, Hill could be seen running toward a car, holding a hammer, and yelling, “I am Oakland’s reckoning!”

 

Angry Man Angry About Something

angry manAkron, Ohio — A man has been spotted yelling in the street, clearly upset about something. We tried to figure out what exactly he was mad about, but we still are having a hard time discerning exactly why he’s yelling.

When asked directly about why he was yelling and angry the man replied, “God damn Ferguson, and New York City. Am I mad at the police or the protesters!? Because I don’t even know, but I am mad!”

We asked the man to elaborate.

“Gas prices are falling! Am I supposed to be upset or happy about that? Please, tell me! I just filled up my 14 gallon car for less than $20 but I think I’m supposed to want Saudi Arabia to cut oil production? I don’t know what you think, but I am downright mad about something,” said the man said while removing his shirt to reveal a woman crying painted on his chest.

“Bill Cosby is an alleged rapist. You know, the guy who tore into Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy for being offensive. Damn!”

The man continued his rant.

“TCU and Baylor didn’t make the college football playoffs even though Ohio State deserved to, I don’t even know what to do with that one. We’ve got immigrants staying, or are they going? I don’t know, but God damn, I am upset about it one way or the other.”

“Breaking Bad’s over, so that sucks. And where’s my hoverboard Back to The Future?”

We asked the man to elaborate further, and it turned out he was just upset the Browns blew a lead, and lost to the Colts this past Sunday.

Pokemon To Unveil New Character, Metapaws

MetapawsBellevue, Washington — The popular Nintendo game, Pokemon, said they were planning on releasing new versions of the game in 2015, and with it, introduce a brand new Pokemon character.

“We’re really excited about our new Pokemon, Metapaws,” said lead developer, Ryan Brown. “Metapaws has been years in the making, and we’re proud to announce that this Pokemon is finally ready for a debut.”

Brown said that Metapaws will have an interesting backstory, saying that Metapaws has been laying dormant for 51 years, hiding in a deep, dark cave until the player pokes it awake with a stick. Metapaws will be a large dark Pokemon with fiery red eyes, and look generally like a demon.

“We’re really excited about Metapaws’ powers. His main attack will be heat based. He will become very warm and send heat waves off his body. We’re calling the attack ‘hot flash.'”

Brown also said that Metapaws will be unique in that you always have to keep it happy, or it can become irate and hurt either you or your other Pokemon.

“Metapaws will be irritable,” said Brown. “At the most inopportune times in the game Metapaws will go into what we’re calling ‘rage mode.’ You might be exploring a beach, getting supplies, or even napping to restore health and Metapaws will explode with anger, and you, as the player, will have no choice but to deal with it.”

Brown says the sporadic unpredictability of Metapaws will make the game more fun, as the player will have to make order out of the utter chaos that Metapaws creates.

“We’re expecting our players to get a little frustrated at first. There might even be some who can’t deal with Metapaws and have to put the game down, and head to the nearest Dairy Queen, until they can collect themselves and return to the game.”

Office Hard Ass Infects Everyone with Flu

hardass fluChicago, Illinois — Kramer and Barney is a successful tech firm in downtown Chicago. Most of the staff enjoy where they work, however with the cold and flu season in full swing, one office employee has become unpopular.

“Mark [Filcher] considers himself a ‘power-through’ guy,” said Jenny Barklow, an employee of Kramer and Barney. “Mark is always saying things like ‘sick is as sick does,’ and ‘a cold is only as powerful as you make it.’ Anyways, Mark is suffering from a terrible cold and is infecting everyone in the office. He’s just being a real ass.”

Barklow said that Mark Filcher has had a fever for a few days, and a constant runny nose.

“He looks terrible. Like a mix between someone who took a nap in a sauna and a malnourished Russian.”

Barklow said that employees have repeatedly told Filcher to go home, but every time he refuses.

“It’s disgusting,” said Barklow. “He sneezes in his hand and touches the coffee pot. He’ll read over your shoulder and you can feel his hot, sick breath on your neck. He even fainted during one of our presentations, and when we tried to wake him up, he popped up to his feet, yelled, ‘tada!’ and acted like the whole thing was staged. Go home Mark! No one wants you here.”

We met with Mark at his desk. He was sitting bundled up in a blanket and sweating profusely. Any time we asked him a question, he responded with incoherent mumbling. After he passed out on the floor, we called an ambulance. As they carted Filcher out, the squad received a standing ovation from the office floor.

Man Has Uncomfortable Interview at Hofbrauhaus

Hofbrauhaus InterviewCincinnati, Ohio — Cincinnati native, Michael Fray, told us today that he had the most awkward interview of his life over the weekend, as he met with a CEO from one of the areas top consulting companies.

“I don’t want to name names, but I was called in for an interview at a consulting company I applied for after earning my MBA. I got a call from their CEO, which was already kind of weird, and he asked if I could meet him at the local Hofbrauhaus at around 5 o’clock this past Friday. I obviously obliged, and got ready for a formal interview.”

Fray said that when he got there everything seemed unusually normal.

“Consulting interviews are some of the toughest interviews I’ve ever done, so naturally I prepped pretty hard. When I got there, the CEO, let’s call him Doug, asked if I wanted anything to drink. I thought it was a trick so I said no, but he insisted I have a liter of beer. He also bought me a pretzel.”

Fray said that the “interview” consisted of CEO, Doug, asking him about his social life and whether or not he thought the Hofbrauhaus in Cincinnati was really like the original Hofbrauhaus.

“I was not prepared for that question. I told him that I thought it could be, and he agreed with me. Then after an hour of Doug talking to me about his marital issues, the band started playing. He immediately loosened his tie, got up on the table and put his arm around a random stranger and began singing.”

Fray then said that Doug asked him to get on the table with him, to which he reluctantly agreed.

“We had a few more drinks, and at one point Doug turned to me with tears streaming down his face and said that he gets emotional every time he watches The Lego Movie.”

Fray said he hasn’t heard from the unnamed consulting company since the “interview,” but that he would have to seriously consider what he was getting into if he was offered a position.