Winter: I’m Back Bitches

Winter's backEverywhere, USA — Winter has released a statement this week about the impending season.

“I’m back bitches,” said Winter, “and you thought last year was harsh, get ready for hell.”

Winter has said it figured out last year what the American population dislikes most and has upped its game to include more of everything people hate about the winter season.

“Last year was all about polar vortex’s,” said Winter. “And this year will be no different, but I will start sooner and end later. I can’t wait to show people days where the high will be 2 degrees not including wind chill. Ice storms will rain down from the gray skies causing car crashes, and power outages that will require you to sleep in your beds wearing down jackets and sweatpants.”

Winter said that this year he will also have a few more tricks up his sleeve.

“When it’s cold all week, and you think on the weekend you’ll just ‘stay home and sit by the fire,’ I will make it cold enough that you will have to go outside twice a day to start your car so it doesn’t die. Then on Monday morning when you need your car most, I will make it so cold that it dies anyway, just to make your week terrible!”

Winter has said its ruthlessness will know no age bracket.

“We all know old people already hate me, but I have a new plan on how to deal with school-aged kids: I will first make it snow, and just when the kids are getting ready to go outside to play, I will make it -17 making any responsible parent keep their children inside where they will throw a tantrum. Then I will create snow day after snow day, getting children excited about missing school, but then the snow days will start having to be made up on summer vacation, and soon enough kids will be in school all of June because of me.”

We asked Winter what it plans to do about the warmer, southern states.

“Oh I have a plan for them too. Everyone knows those bitches in Florida treat 40 degree weather like it’s -100 degrees, with their scarfs and winter coats on the beach, well how about temperatures in the 30’s with snow in the Pan Handle? I bet that will make those people lose their minds.”

In addition, Winter has said it plans to increase it’s share of seasonal time, by hitting the ground running in November, and going all the way through April.

“Fall and Spring can suck it. This year is my time to shine.”

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