Washington, D.C. — This week military strategists turned over a new leaf in dealing with militants in the Middle East. Strategists have turned to the popular app, “Clash of Clans,” by SuperCell to utilize in a military role.
“We’re very excited about using Clash of Clans,” said General James G. Waters. “It will be unlike any military strategy we’ve ever implemented.”
General Waters said that the U.S. government will do away traditional special forces, and instead train exclusively-female archers, and shirtless male barbarians to attack enemies.
“If it goes anything like my clan wars, then ISIS and ISIL don’t stand a chance against upwards of 100 archers and 90 barbarians, not to mention when we start using a Barbarian King. America’s enemies better look out!”
General Waters has said he has poured all the money from research and development into finding out ways to create healing and lightning spells to be used on the field of battle.
“Once we get a spell factory to work, we will be unstoppable.”
General Waters has said he has reached out to other countries to see if they would like to form a “clan,” but insists they need at least 10 to go to war.
“England’s on board,” said General Waters, “I’ve got a few others that I’m talking to, but until we get a solid 10 people, I won’t feel comfortable. Especially while France still has a Th6,” said General Waters while chuckling.
One government official, who asked to remain anonymous, voiced his concern.
“General Waters has completely lost his mind. Clash of Clans is all he does now, all day long. I’ll come to him with important matters, about high profile targets, and he says he’s busy raiding and to come back later. He literally allocated 20 million dollars into figuring out a way to make wizards,” said the government official.
General Waters said that if all goes to plan, then America could see rewards of “400 gold, 250 elixir, and at least 90 dark elixir.”
“That would be a great day.”