Millennials not looking forward to inevitable Thanksgiving conversations

Millennials stressNew York City, New York — As America prepares for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, many Millennials are dreading the inevitable holiday conversations with family members about what they are doing with their lives.

“I’m not looking forward to it,” said 23-year-old, Stacy Knox. “I was a Women’s Studies major, you think it’s easy for me to find a job?”

Knox, like many others are having anxiety about facing relatives who had aspirations for them to be doing so much more than what they’ve accomplished.

“My grandfather was a world-renowned surgeon,” said Aaron Ferguson, a graduate of the University of Maryland. “He payed for me to go to college, with the hope that I would also become a doctor. Now I work at a Bob Evans. How am I supposed to look him in the eye and tell him that.”

Many Millennials have resorted to using technical jargon to hopefully confuse relatives enough so they stop asking questions.

“I’m going to do whatever I can to end that conversation quickly,” said Raymond Thompson, an art history major from University of Vermont. “I think if I can say that I work for a start-up, and I’m working on development through mergers and acquisitions, I should be able to avoid telling my aunt and uncle that I work for a failing Tire Discounter.”

In addition, some Millennials are facing added pressure of having a successful sibling who has seemingly figured out their life. For Stacy Knox, that sibling is Becky.

“Becky has to be the best at everything. Sorry Mom and Dad that I’m not a perfect little tax lawyer with a high paying job and a boyfriend,” said Knox while snacking on some Flavor Blasted Goldfish. “So I’m not perfect, okay? So I’m not precious Becky with her 401k and her company cell phone. God, I hate the f****** holidays.”

 

Advertisements

Man realizes “haunted apartment” is actually just roommate crying himself to sleep

crying manIndianapolis, Indiana — Doug Johnson moved into his new apartment in Broad Ripple this past year with his roommate, Michael Hess. Recently, Johnson began hearing strange noises at nighttime throughout his residency.

“I would hear wailing in the middle of the night. It sounded like someone was in incredible pain. Initially, I thought we had definitely moved into a haunted apartment. Maybe someone had died there, or maybe it was like a murder or something. Whatever it was, it was definitely weird.”

Johnson said the strange noises began around the same time every night: after he got into bed, and would continue for 30-45 minutes, and then would stop.

“It wasn’t until I tried to track the noise that I realized it was coming from Michael’s room. That’s when I had my suspicions.”

Johnson said after knocking on his roommates door, he entered to see Michael raise his head from his pillow with red eyes and a wet face.

“Oh yeah, Michael tried to cover it up. He said he’d been having an allergic reaction to his pillow, but he was definitely crying. I just asked it I could borrow his milk, and left. No need to make it awkward.”

Johnson said that recently, Michael has had a bit of a rough patch.

“Michael recently got fired from a job that he loved, and then he got a little depressed so his girlfriend left him. The guy has had it rough. Last night he was drinking himself to sleep and spilled beer on his iPhone, which he can’t afford to replace. The crying started shortly after that.”

 

Winter: I’m Back Bitches

Winter's backEverywhere, USA — Winter has released a statement this week about the impending season.

“I’m back bitches,” said Winter, “and you thought last year was harsh, get ready for hell.”

Winter has said it figured out last year what the American population dislikes most and has upped its game to include more of everything people hate about the winter season.

“Last year was all about polar vortex’s,” said Winter. “And this year will be no different, but I will start sooner and end later. I can’t wait to show people days where the high will be 2 degrees not including wind chill. Ice storms will rain down from the gray skies causing car crashes, and power outages that will require you to sleep in your beds wearing down jackets and sweatpants.”

Winter said that this year he will also have a few more tricks up his sleeve.

“When it’s cold all week, and you think on the weekend you’ll just ‘stay home and sit by the fire,’ I will make it cold enough that you will have to go outside twice a day to start your car so it doesn’t die. Then on Monday morning when you need your car most, I will make it so cold that it dies anyway, just to make your week terrible!”

Winter has said its ruthlessness will know no age bracket.

“We all know old people already hate me, but I have a new plan on how to deal with school-aged kids: I will first make it snow, and just when the kids are getting ready to go outside to play, I will make it -17 making any responsible parent keep their children inside where they will throw a tantrum. Then I will create snow day after snow day, getting children excited about missing school, but then the snow days will start having to be made up on summer vacation, and soon enough kids will be in school all of June because of me.”

We asked Winter what it plans to do about the warmer, southern states.

“Oh I have a plan for them too. Everyone knows those bitches in Florida treat 40 degree weather like it’s -100 degrees, with their scarfs and winter coats on the beach, well how about temperatures in the 30’s with snow in the Pan Handle? I bet that will make those people lose their minds.”

In addition, Winter has said it plans to increase it’s share of seasonal time, by hitting the ground running in November, and going all the way through April.

“Fall and Spring can suck it. This year is my time to shine.”

Local Stoner Reprimands High School For Drug Problem

Man dislikes high schoolersPortland, Oregon — 27-year-old, Gregg Clark, of Portland, Oregon enjoys smoking Marijuana. Clark says it helps him “mellow out,” after a workday, and gives him time to relax. Lately Clark’s buzz has been “harshed” by some local high school students.

“These high schools have a big drug problem,” said Clark while smoking a marijuana cigarette. “I see these kids skipping school, with their long hair. I know it’s just a matter of time until I get something stolen.”

Clark said that while he admits to smoking on an almost daily basis, he believes that his claims are justified and not just a product of rampant paranoia.

“Look, I know what you’re thinking, ‘here’s a guy who smokes a lot of weed making ridiculous accusations,’ and yes, it is true that I misplace things more than they’re stolen, but I know these kids are just going down a dangerous road, that will eventually lead to them destroying my property.”

Clark said he plans to organize a meeting addressing the community’s drug problem.

“Drug problem? No, no. We need to stem the teenager problem in this community. I’m sick and tired of feeling like I’m being scouted for thievery and mischief.”

We asked local high schoolers about Mr. Clark, and they said that he’s a “creepy recluse, that doesn’t get outside much.” One student said, “That guy’s 27? He acts like he’s in his 80’s.”

Female CEO Wants Stay-at-Home Husband to Get Off His Ass

man on couchSan Francisco, California — Brooke Morris is a successful CEO of a tech start-up called, Penicorp. Morris built Penicorp from the ground up, and turned it into the multi-million dollar industry it is today. Though she often goes through daily trials and tribulations, her biggest frustration right now is her stay-at-home husband.

“Bill (Morris’s husband) doesn’t do anything all day,” begins Morris. “He takes the kids to school, and then just moseys around the house all day long. In the summer months he just plays with our children all day, but I don’t know what he does to actually contribute to society.”

Bill Walker (Brooke kept her last name when she married) said that when he married Brooke he was the one who was financially responsible for their family.

“I had a great job,” said Walker. “I was doing consulting work for a major PR firm, while Brooke worked part time as a librarian. Then she had this great idea for a company, which I helped back, and low and behold Brooke used her will and determination to make Penicorp what it is today. I stopped working so I could help out around the house and spend time with our children, and boy, do I love it.”

Walker says he is now able to take time doing the things he loves, like spending time with his family, cooking, and working in his wood-shop.

When asked if being a stay at home Dad is hard work Walker replied, “Hell no.”

“I understand Brooke doesn’t think what I do is work, and well, that’s okay, because it really isn’t. I actually can do most of work without putting on pants, but if this wasn’t the lifestyle Brooke wanted, then she could always quit her job.”

Morris replied to Walker’s comments by saying, “Quit my job? Bill must be losing his mind. Who does he think would support this family, or his ‘woodworking.’ Let me tell you something, the only ‘woodworking,’ Bill does is behind our bathroom door.”

Morris and Walker are still working on a balance between work and family but Walker has said he has no plans to change his current situation.

“While we are financially free, I intend to spend all my time with my kids and in my underwear.”

Match.com Unveils New Dog Dating Website

Dallas, Texas — This week the popular dating website, Match.com, unveiled plans for a new dating website for dogs.

“We’re really excited about our new dog dating website, PoochSmooch.com,” said Match.com spokeswoman, Martha Rader. “For the first time, dogs will be able to say, ‘I don’t like being single, and I’m going to do something about it.'”

Rader says that Pooch Smooch will have interactive features that will let dogs pick other dogs while maximizing their compatibility.

“With Pooch Smooch we didn’t want to just throw male dogs at bitches. We really wanted to analyze what qualities dogs find attractive in potential suitors. Maybe there’s a shared love of raw hides, maybe two dogs are both crazy about tennis balls. These are just some of the factors that will go into our Pooch Smooch dating algorithm.”

Rader said that while she expects there to be a few problems with the launch of Pooch Smooch, she is hopeful that they can keep their clients happy.

“As with any launch, there will be some problems, but we want to make sure our canine clients are happy with the service we provide. We absolutely don’t want a dog that loves chasing squirrels to get matched up with a dog that is the size of a squirrel. We would consider that a big mistake on our part.”

When asked if Pooch Smooch would cater exclusively to dogs looking for long-term relationships, Rader responded with a resounding, “heck no!”

“No, we want to cater to dogs of all varieties. If they want to find a dog to spend their life with that’s great, but we’re also going to cater to those dogs who just want to find something to hump, whether that’s another dog, a piece of furniture, or a human leg, Pooch Smooch will be there for them.”

Apple Unveils New “What to Not Name Your Child” App

Don't name your kids appCupertino, California — Today Apple unveiled a new app to help expecting parents name their children. The app hopes to help parents cut down on “naming mistakes,” and looks to cut down on children feeling embarrassed that their parents named them something ridiculous.

“At Apple we try to think about all of our demographics,” said Apple spokesperson, Donna Caldwell. “And one of our key demographics will be people who are not yet born. Therefore we want to help their parents pick out appropriate names that don’t embarrass their children.”

Caldwell says the App was “rather simple” to come up with.

“Basically if you type in a name, and our system autocorrects it, then don’t name your child that. For example, if you want to name your child ‘Rayne’ and our app autocorrects to ‘raccoon’ maybe think about a different name.”

Caldwell said the app should be self explanatory to future parents.

“If you type in LeDarius and it autocorrects to ‘look around,’ you don’t want your child to have to deal with kids sending text messages to ‘look around,’ for a majority of his youth. It’s just confusing.”

Caldwell says that they hope to have future versions of the app that will prevent parents from naming their children after food items.

“Whether it’s an actual food item like ‘Apple,’ or it just looks like a food item like ‘Lettice,’ we want parents to actually give their kids a chance in the world, and we feel like this new app will only benefit children.”

Caldwell says the long term residual affects will help Apple’s stock in the long term.

“If just one child is saved from their parents naming them ‘Quiche,’ then we’ll consider it a victory for Apple.”

REPORT: Man with Stage Fright Has Been At Urinal for 8 Minutes

stage frightCleveland, Ohio — Jimmy Jordan, 23 of Cleveland suffers from a common affliction called “stage fright.” Jordan says he has a difficult time urinating while there are other people around, and even more so if he feels pressure to “pee quickly” while others wait on him.

“I don’t know what it is. I know I’m not in any danger,” said Jordan. “But when the pressure’s on, I can’t get Little Jimmy to get a flow going.”

Jordan has been at the urinal for upwards of 8 minutes, while trying to pee. He says he probably won’t be able to go until the chaos behind him stops.

“Do you hear what’s going on behind me? It sounds like someone’s giving birth in a metal factory. How is someone supposed to go with that kind of ruckus.”

Jordan said the added pressure of people yelling at him hasn’t helped his cause.

“People start out really understanding, and polite, but it only takes one asshole to turn the crowd against you.”

The asshole, in this case, is 28-year-old Lewis Jackson, who has had no less than ten drinks, and “has to get his leak on.”

“Just go!” Jackson yells at Jordan, while standing in line. “I don’t get it. You just whip it out and pee!”

Jordan became visibly upset at this point.

“Believe me, the one person who most wants to pee in this bathroom is me. I just can’t,” said Jordan while fighting back tears.

At the nine minute mark, Jordan was able to trickle out a little urine. The line behind him started to cheer, but according to Jordan, it was a “false alarm.”

After being called a plethora of hateful names, Jordan eventually gave up and returned to his table, still filled with pee.

“Sometimes I feel like I need to see a psychologist about it,” said Jordan while crossing his legs.

 

*************************UPDATE*****************************************

After drinking 6 beers, Jordan confidently walked into the bathroom, whipped out his man junk and unloaded a canon-fire of urine. Mid-stream, Jordan turned to the patron next to him and said, “Take a look at my huge wang.” After peeing, Jordan walked out of the bathroom without washing his hands, stating “If Ebola really wants me, it knows where it can find me.”

Grandmother Has Hard Time Grasping Youth Culture

hip grandmaCharlottesville, Virginia — Martha Tuft considers herself a cool grandmother. At age 73, Tuft loves to garden, play with her dog, and of course, drink her scotch. However, according to her grandson, Ethan Tuft, Martha has been having a hard time keeping up with internet linguistics and abbreviations. According to Ethan, her actions have been rather embarrassing for her grandson.

“I consider myself a hip grandmother,” said Martha Tuft. “I do Facebook, I do the Twitter, and I text. I’m definitely a cool grandmother.”

Ethan Tuft, the 17-year-old grandson of Martha Tuft, said that his grandma is “pretty cool,” but would like her to stay off of social media, or at least try to stop embracing youth culture.

“Memaw? Yeah, she’s cool. I just wish she would stop trying to act like a teenager. She just gets confused easily. She wrote on my wall after my dog died, ‘Sorry about your dog, he was a great pet. LOL.’ I initially thought, ‘wow Memaw is kind of a dick.’ It wasn’t until later that I realized that she thought ‘lol’ meant ‘lots of love.'”

Ethan said sometimes his grandmothers lack of knowledge about youth culture has gotten her in trouble.

“The last time Memaw tweeted was right before we got on a plane for a family vacation. While we were boarding, she asked if I saw her latest ‘pound sign’ (hashtag) saying it was hilarious. As she was putting her luggage in the overhead bin she said, ‘your grandma’s got a bomb, Ethan! Your grandma’s got a bomb!’ She obviously meant to say that she was ‘the bomb,’ but that led to us being detained for four hours and missing our flight.”

Martha Tuft said that while her mistake was embarrassing, it hasn’t persuaded her from trying to stay “hip.”

“Was that an embarrassing moment? Like that black man who writes poetry to music would say, ‘Yeah!’ But it just means I have to try that much harder to get on the level of my grandkids.”

General Uses Clash of Clans as Blueprint for New Military Strategy

Clash of ClansWashington, D.C. — This week military strategists turned over a new leaf in dealing with militants in the Middle East. Strategists have turned to the popular app, “Clash of Clans,” by SuperCell to utilize in a military role.

“We’re very excited about using Clash of Clans,” said General James G. Waters. “It will be unlike any military strategy we’ve ever implemented.”

General Waters said that the U.S. government will do away traditional special forces, and instead train exclusively-female archers, and shirtless male barbarians to attack enemies.

“If it goes anything like my clan wars, then ISIS and ISIL don’t stand a chance against upwards of 100 archers and 90 barbarians, not to mention when we start using a Barbarian King. America’s enemies better look out!”

General Waters has said he has poured all the money from research and development into finding out ways to create healing and lightning spells to be used on the field of battle.

“Once we get a spell factory to work, we will be unstoppable.”

General Waters has said he has reached out to other countries to see if they would like to form a “clan,” but insists they need at least 10 to go to war.

“England’s on board,” said General Waters, “I’ve got a few others that I’m talking to, but until we get a solid 10 people, I won’t feel comfortable. Especially while France still has a Th6,” said General Waters while chuckling.

One government official, who asked to remain anonymous, voiced his concern.

“General Waters has completely lost his mind. Clash of Clans is all he does now, all day long. I’ll come to him with important matters, about high profile targets, and he says he’s busy raiding and to come back later. He literally allocated 20 million dollars into figuring out a way to make wizards,” said the government official.

General Waters said that if all goes to plan, then America could see rewards of  “400 gold, 250 elixir, and at least 90 dark elixir.”

“That would be a great day.”