Military To Start Using Less Aggressive Names for Vehicles

Rename MilitaryWASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon announced today that in a PR effort to make America more likable on a global scale, the military would stop using names like Dagger or Black Hawk to represent their military vehicles. Instead, they plan to brainstorm names that are less “in your face.”

“We have a whole new lineup of names for our newest military vehicles,” said Pentagon spokesman, John Mitchell. “We can’t wait to unveil our new line of Sikorsky Helicopters that we’re nicknaming, “The Sleepy Kitten.”

Mitchell said there are plans to rename vehicles that are currently in use, as well.

“We are very fond of our F-22 Raptors, but felt the name was just a little too aggressive. So instead, say hello to the F-22 Cookie Cakes! Instead of scrambling Raptors for airstrikes, we will now be putting the Cookie Cakes in the air.”

In addition, Mitchell said that they will begin naming Naval vessels after pop icons.

“It wasn’t that names like the USS Springfield, or the USS Bainbridge were bad. We just felt like naming ships after international stars would make us more popular and give us some added pizzazz. In 2015, we are proud to be commissioning the USS Beyonce, and the USS J Law.”

Mitchell said in the coming years he also hopes to get rid of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, and instead institute a “Don’t ask? Do tell!” policy throughout the military.

New York Cab Driver Wishes Customers Would Stop Thinking They’re on “Cash Cab”

Cash CabNew York, NY — Larry Hall has been driving a van taxi around New York City for as long as he can remember. He has been in New York City in good times and bad, but only recently has Hall been thinking about giving up the taxi cab lifestyle.

” It’s that damn Cash Cab,” said Hall. “It’s ruining my life. Customers get in my van and immediately think it’s the Cash Cab, and I always have to tell them that it’s just a regular taxi.”

A smoker since age 12, Hall’s voice lends itself to the comical voices that Cash Cab host, Ben Bailey, often imitates.

“People get in the car, and I ask them where they’re going, and they say, “oh my gosh, is this the Cash Cab. I reply and say, ‘no lady, it’s just a regular cab. Where do you want to go?’ and they never believe me. They end up saying, ‘It is so the Cash Cab. You’re even doing the voice.’ I tell them that I’m not doing a voice. This is just how I sound. They get real disappointed, and don’t talk for the remainder of their trip.”

Hall said sometimes he asks his patrons questions just to appease their craving for trivia.

“I ask them questions like ‘Who’s the mook that runs that friggin’ trash pile called New Jersey?’ Obvious answer: Chris Christie. If they want a tougher question, I ask them what are their chances of being on Cash Cab. Some people respond 1 in 13,000, which could be right. I just always tell them, ‘the outlook is not so good.'”

Hall said he has no plans to switch to a regular taxi, but hopes that people will stop getting excited every time they get in his van.

“Tell you what, if I ever see that Cash Cab driver on the street, I’m gonna punch him right in his mouth.”