CDC Issues Statement on Ebola: Are You Kidding Me?


UPDATE 10/17/2014 4:44 PM

After hearing that another Texas healthcare worker who has worked closely with the Ebola virus, went on a cruise, the CDC has issued a new statement today:

“No seriously, you have to be kidding me,” said Maria Grimes. “I thought the healthcare worker who got on the plane was bad, but no. Let’s go set sail on the vast ocean, days away from any healthcare center, and then have a nice casual conversation about how you worked in the lab with Ebola. My God in heaven. If these are the people who are currently employed by the Texas healthcare system, then if I ever get a cut or a scrape in Dallas then I may as well go to Mexico, because they have to have a little more common sense then what I’ve seen come out of Texas.”

Dr. Grimes continued her tirade.

“Look I get it. Shephard Smith let everyone know not to go crazy about Ebola, but that doesn’t mean we should throw caution to the wind and celebrate working with Ebola patients by going in crowded, confined spaces.”

Dr. Grimes was not the only person upset about the hospital employee aboard the cruise ship.

“This is a G**d*** nightmare,” said Carnival spokesman Phillip Maks, while drinking some Pepto Bismol. “First we have the infamous ‘poop cruise,’ (referring to the 2013 cruise where the Carnival Cruise ship’s halls were flooded with sewage) and now we have what people are calling the ‘Ebola Cruise.’ If I had some vacation time and I wanted to go on a cruise, you better believe I’m not going through Carnival unless I have a death wish.”

ATLANTA, GA — Following a report today that a Texas healthcare worker who was diagnosed with Ebola traveled to and from Ohio, the CDC has issued a statement.

“Are you kidding me?” said CDC spokeswoman Maria Grimes, Phd. “You work in healthcare, having recently treated a patient with Ebola and you decide that now might be a great time to take a plane to visit family half way across the country? Bravo.”

Dr. Grimes has decided that a more elementary approach might have to be utilized in effort to contain the spread of Ebola.

“I thought it was common sense, but clearly even clinical healthcare staff need a step-by-step guide on what not to do in order to spread this deadly disease.”

Dr. Grimes has issued coloring books to be handed out to hospital staff who are in direct contact with Ebola. The book has pictures, as well as questions like “Jane has worked with a patient diagnosed with Ebola, which one of these should Jane not do? A. Try to avoid highly populated areas. B. Monitor her health and report any fever-like symptoms. or C. Board a plane of crowded people, not once, but twice, and go and visit family in Ohio.”

“We’re hoping that with these new instructions made for kindergartners, that our healthcare workers will be up to speed on the best ways to not spread the disease.”


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