WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Pentagon announced today that in a PR effort to make America more likable on a global scale, the military would stop using names like Dagger or Black Hawk to represent their military vehicles. Instead, they plan to brainstorm names that are less “in your face.”
“We have a whole new lineup of names for our newest military vehicles,” said Pentagon spokesman, John Mitchell. “We can’t wait to unveil our new line of Sikorsky Helicopters that we’re nicknaming, “The Sleepy Kitten.”
Mitchell said there are plans to rename vehicles that are currently in use, as well.
“We are very fond of our F-22 Raptors, but felt the name was just a little too aggressive. So instead, say hello to the F-22 Cookie Cakes! Instead of scrambling Raptors for airstrikes, we will now be putting the Cookie Cakes in the air.”
In addition, Mitchell said that they will begin naming Naval vessels after pop icons.
“It wasn’t that names like the USS Springfield, or the USS Bainbridge were bad. We just felt like naming ships after international stars would make us more popular and give us some added pizzazz. In 2015, we are proud to be commissioning the USS Beyonce, and the USS J Law.”
Mitchell said in the coming years he also hopes to get rid of the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, and instead institute a “Don’t ask? Do tell!” policy throughout the military.