New Election Campaign Commercials Completely Cross The Line

Midterm ElectionsWashington, D.C. — As the midterm election date is quickly approaching, campaign commercials have started to become increasingly outrageous, misguided, and sometimes downright malicious.

“I saw a commercial accusing Terri Lynn Rand(R) of being a part of the Black Panthers,” said Michigan resident, Katherine Galuki. “Which is not even slightly correct.”

Minnesota resident, Jeff McRoberts, said he saw a similar ad campaign while watching his new favorite show, “Blackish.”

“I was watching Anthony Anderson drop joke after joke, and then I saw a commercial for Mike McFadden saying that if I voted for Al Franken, he would come in my home and steal my wife and my television, all while laughing in my face,” said McRoberts.

Oregonian candidate, Monica Wehby (R) made a costly error in her ad campaign when she referenced drugs.

“Monica Wehby’s ad campaign said that if I voted for Jeff Merkley (D), drugs would run rampant in our streets,” said Mike Tuller, a resident of Portland, “Then the ad asked if I wanted to be responsible for drugs in our streets. I took that to mean that if I vote for Jeff Merkley, Marijuana will finally be legalized in Oregon, so hell yeah, I’m voting for Merkley!”

One of the most successful ad campaigns has been from Dick Durbin (D) of Illinois. While his ad campaign hasn’t been directly aggressive toward GOP candidate, Jim Oberweis, he has effectively targeted Illinois residents. His campaign reads:

If you vote for Jim Oberweis, your Facebook newsfeed will be taken over by hundreds of people who feel the need to voice their opinions of how they feel about the current political state of the country. Mothers and fathers will write paragraph upon paragraph about being ashamed to raise their children in America. Finally, college students and post-graduates will stop sharing funny videos, and instead paraphrase the latest rant they heard on MSNBC. Is this something you want to be a part of? Vote for Dick Durbin, and keep your newsfeed clean.

Julian Spencer of Illinois said, “out of all the campaign advertisements I’ve watched, that was by far the scariest.”

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SPORTS: Cowboys Owner leaves Owner’s Box during game to man ticket booth, cook hot dogs

Photo courtesy of ESPN Dallas.

Photo courtesy of ESPN Dallas.

During a home loss to the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones redefined the notion of an NFL owner “wearing a lot of hats.”

Previously criticized for seizing the team’s general manager responsibilities in addition to his role as owner, Jones reached an all new low on Monday when he took on seemingly menial positions in a time of organizational need.

“Right before kickoff, several of our ticket scanners went down, leaving hundreds of fans in limbo trying to enter the stadium,” explained ticket manager Barry Haycock. Before Haycock’s team could fix the problem, Jones had gotten wind of the issue and reported immediately to the scene.

“Next thing I knew, Mr. Jones was whispering in my ear, telling me we needed to let the fans through to avoid a riot,” said Haycock. “He even started taking tickets and apologizing to the fans himself.”

Once the issue was resolved, Jones began retreating back to his private box when an assistant informed him that a hot dog station had broken down on the opposite end of the stadium. Sure enough, Jones went straight there to help.

“Our hot dog machine stopped working and we really didn’t know what to do,” one of the line cooks told reporters. “Until Mr. Jones came – he started flipping hot dogs on the grill like they were burgers. It wasn’t pretty, but it worked.”

Jones continued cooking and serving hot dogs until well into the second half. While he was cooking, the Cowboys’ starting quarterback, Tony Romo, suffered a back injury and was forced to exit the game.

When asked why he didn’t leave the hot dog station to check in on Romo and the head coach, Jones responded, “That little ninny boy can pick himself up and dust himself off, but those hot dogs weren’t going to cook themselves.”

Robert Rodriguez To Shoot “From Dawn To Dusk” Series

From Dawn Till DuskLos Angeles, California — Robert Rodriguez announced today that he would be creating a new series entitled From Dawn Till Dusk, which will be a spin off of his cult classic, From Dusk Till Dawn. 

Rodriguez said that the series will follow a vampire just trying to make it as a working class citizen. “With From Dawn Till Dusk we really want to explore the plight of the Vampire in the working world,” said Rodriguez. “We want to take a look at what it’s like when you’re a creature of the damned, yet you still have to pay rent, deal with the daily grind of going to work, buying groceries, all while having to avoid the daylight. We want to explore what really makes up a vampire’s day.”

Rodriguez said the idea for the movie came after he had a stressful Monday. “I had a pretty long day a few weeks ago, where I was running around trying to balance work and family. I think I ran to CVS like four times in one evening,” said Rodriguez, laughing. “And I just thought to myself, ‘Wow, I couldn’t imagine doing this and then also having to feed on a human’s blood,’ and boom! The idea just popped in my head.”

Rodriguez said the series will have substantially less gun-fighting, strippers, and general violence than From Dusk Till Dawn.

“When I made From Dusk Till Dawn, I was pretty young and, admittedly, a little rebellious. I feel that I’ve really grown up a lot since then, and want From Dawn Till Dusk to reflect that. We got to see what happens during the nighttime with From Dusk Till Dawn, and now I want to answer the question, ‘What does a vampire do all day?'”

Renee Zellweger’s Face Passes Away at Age 45

Renee Zellweger faceLos Angeles, California — Renee Zellweger’s face passed away this week at the tender age of 45. Zellweger’s face starred in all of Renee Zellweger’s previous movies, including Jerry Maguire, Bridget Jones’s Diary, and that other movie that Renee Zellweger starred in. Zellweger’s face was born April 25, 1969 in Katy, Texas, attached to Renee Zellweger’s body. Zellweger’s face got her first break in an uncredited role in the cult classic, Dazed and Confused, starring as “girl in the blue pickup truck.” Her debut role landed her in a lot of B list movies that no one has really heard of.

Zellweger’s face’s biggest claim to fame was when she mouthed the famous line “You had me at hello,” in the Cameron Crowe film, Jerry Maguire. Other famous lines uttered by Renee Zellweger’s face include “Hi, I’m Jenny,” “My name’s Lucy,” and “I’m Irene.”

Zellweger’s face is succeeded by Zellweger’s new face, who has left Zellweger almost unrecognizable, save for experts from TMZ. Zellweger’s old face will always be remembered for making people say, “Yeah, I kind of find her attractive, but I really can’t tell you why?” and for inspiring the age old argument, “Wasn’t she in that movie Mallrats?”

RIP Renee Zellweger’s face; 1969-2014

Self Proclaimed Hero Can’t Stop Talking About Himself

self proclaimed heroChicago, Illinois — This past weekend a Chicago native, Jake Farmer rescued a kitten from a tree, in front of upwards of ten spectators. Since then he cannot stop talking about himself.

“Am I a hero? Most definitely, yes. I consider myself the hero of Chicago. Would many people have been able to do what I did this weekend? I don’t know, because I rescued that kitten and no one else did. So I could have been the only person in the world to accomplish that feat.”

Farmer said he was having a typical Sunday, and was about to go to his local Subway for a meatball sub, when he heard the faintest meowing coming from a nearby tree.

“That’s when I knew it was my time to shine. I’d been waiting for this all my life. I knew that if I rescued that kitten, everyone would know who Jake Farmer was. They wouldn’t say ‘Jake Farmer? Oh he’s that guy who fixes our copier.’ No, instead they would say, ‘Jake Farmer, now that guy’s a hero.'”

Unfortunately for Farmer, many people have shared disdain for the way he’s acted since his kitten heroics.

“He climbed a seven foot tree. Honestly, he probably didn’t even need to climb it to get that kitten.” Said Lori Hendrick, who observed Farmer as he rescued the Kitten. “Honestly, I didn’t even watch. I was just throwing some trash away and happened to look up.”

Others echoed Hendrick’s sentiment, “That guy’s a dick,” said Steve Sutton. “Seriously, I live across from him, and he’s always yelling at a foreign family who lives in our building for ‘cluttering up the hallway.’ He’s just a regular A**h***.”

Farmer said he has big plans for his future.

“It’s about time Chicago had a hero like Jake Farmer,” said Farmer, referring to himself in the third person. “Sometimes I wonder how this city would even get by without me.”

SPORTS: In Light of Having A Potentially Good Season, Browns Taper Fan’s Hopes

BrowndsCleveland, Ohio — After beating the Pittsburgh Steelers 31-10 last week, Browns General Manager, Ray Farmer, knew he had to taper Browns fan’s expectations.

“After that blowout win, we knew we had to do something before our fans started talking about a win streak, or even dare to mention the playoffs.”

The Browns did just that, this weekend, losing to a Jacksonville team that has been described as “abysmal,” “talentless,” and “If I had the option to watch a bum fight or the Jaguars, I’d pick the former.”

“We felt the best way to bring that classic Cleveland angst back, would be to hand Jacksonville their first win of the season,” said Head coach, Mike Pettine. “The second I heard people in the media talking about Brian Hoyer being a ‘viable fantasy option,’ I knew we had to do something.”

When asked how he felt about the Brown’s fans sudden optimism, Pettine said, “I was buying an ice cream Snickers bar from a UDF last Thursday, and I heard two fans talking about how the Browns had their next two games ‘in the bag.’ I laughed all the way home.”

Pettine said the thing Cleveland has going for it, is that it doesn’t have anything going for it.

“That’s Cleveland’s thing. Seattle has the Space Needle, Los Angeles has smog, Cleveland has hopeless despair, and I’ll be damned if I’m the one that takes that away from them.”

CDC Issues Statement on Ebola: Are You Kidding Me?

Ebola

UPDATE 10/17/2014 4:44 PM

After hearing that another Texas healthcare worker who has worked closely with the Ebola virus, went on a cruise, the CDC has issued a new statement today:

“No seriously, you have to be kidding me,” said Maria Grimes. “I thought the healthcare worker who got on the plane was bad, but no. Let’s go set sail on the vast ocean, days away from any healthcare center, and then have a nice casual conversation about how you worked in the lab with Ebola. My God in heaven. If these are the people who are currently employed by the Texas healthcare system, then if I ever get a cut or a scrape in Dallas then I may as well go to Mexico, because they have to have a little more common sense then what I’ve seen come out of Texas.”

Dr. Grimes continued her tirade.

“Look I get it. Shephard Smith let everyone know not to go crazy about Ebola, but that doesn’t mean we should throw caution to the wind and celebrate working with Ebola patients by going in crowded, confined spaces.”

Dr. Grimes was not the only person upset about the hospital employee aboard the cruise ship.

“This is a G**d*** nightmare,” said Carnival spokesman Phillip Maks, while drinking some Pepto Bismol. “First we have the infamous ‘poop cruise,’ (referring to the 2013 cruise where the Carnival Cruise ship’s halls were flooded with sewage) and now we have what people are calling the ‘Ebola Cruise.’ If I had some vacation time and I wanted to go on a cruise, you better believe I’m not going through Carnival unless I have a death wish.”

ATLANTA, GA — Following a report today that a Texas healthcare worker who was diagnosed with Ebola traveled to and from Ohio, the CDC has issued a statement.

“Are you kidding me?” said CDC spokeswoman Maria Grimes, Phd. “You work in healthcare, having recently treated a patient with Ebola and you decide that now might be a great time to take a plane to visit family half way across the country? Bravo.”

Dr. Grimes has decided that a more elementary approach might have to be utilized in effort to contain the spread of Ebola.

“I thought it was common sense, but clearly even clinical healthcare staff need a step-by-step guide on what not to do in order to spread this deadly disease.”

Dr. Grimes has issued coloring books to be handed out to hospital staff who are in direct contact with Ebola. The book has pictures, as well as questions like “Jane has worked with a patient diagnosed with Ebola, which one of these should Jane not do? A. Try to avoid highly populated areas. B. Monitor her health and report any fever-like symptoms. or C. Board a plane of crowded people, not once, but twice, and go and visit family in Ohio.”

“We’re hoping that with these new instructions made for kindergartners, that our healthcare workers will be up to speed on the best ways to not spread the disease.”

 

Snapchat Hacked; Thousands of Fecal Photos on Verge of Being Released

Snapchat PooVENICE BEACH, CA — It was announced today that the photography app, Snapchat, was hacked and thousands of private photos have potentially been accessed, with the threat of being released. While many are concerned about private nude photos being leaked. Some are concerned at the amount of “fecal photographs,” that may make their way to the internet.

“Sure there are hundreds of nude photos that have been Snapchatted since it’s inception,” said Snapchat spokesmen Kendra Paxton, “but what people don’t realize is that there are thousands upon thousands of pictures of poo that could potentially clog the internet.”

Paxton said for every landscape or a selfie that gets sent through Snapchat, there are at least five pictures of poo.

“Ever since I started at Snapchat, I’ve been begging them to either have a ‘no poo’ policy, or rename the company to accurately reflect what people are about to subject themselves to,”  said Paxton.

Paxton said she doesn’t know what drives people to take pictures of their feces, but that she’s “seen every type of dump-nugget you could possibly imagine.”

“It’s literally all the time; when people wake up: poop pic. When people are at work: poop pic. When it is the dead of night and people should be sleeping: poop pic. People are worried about nudes? I’m more worried about the state of a human population that is, quite frankly, obsessed with their dookie.”

 

Disney Unveils Two New Flagship Characters

Disney Unveils Two New CharactersBURBANK, CA — Disney today announced that they would be unveiling two new flagship cartoon characters to go along with Mickey and Minnie mouse.

“We love Mickey and Minnie,” said Disney spokesman, Dan Reynolds. “They are iconic Disney legends. However, we felt we needed to develop characters that might give Disney a more modern feel, you know, in order to keep up with the times.”

The first character Disney is introducing is Mikey Mouse, who will be a distant cousin of Mickey. Mikey will be of Italian descent, hailing from the Bronx.

“Mikey Mouse will sport a black Ed Hardy shirt and have slicked back ears. He’s always going to have an ambiguous obsession with Minnie, and sometimes pushes the limit of what is acceptable behavior. He is definitely for our older demographic. Mikey Mouse’s signature catch phrase is going to be, ‘Ey Mickey! Why don’t you lighten up, ya mouse!’

The other character Disney is unveiling is Micah Mouse, a Hasidic  Jew, hailing from the Lower East Side.

“We know that historically Disney hasn’t had the best reputation with the Jewish population. In fact, some have even gone so far as to call Disney ‘anti-Semitic,'” said Reynolds, clearly uncomfortable. “We felt that Micah Mouse was a way for us to bridge the gap between the old Disney and the new age of a more progressive Disney culture. Micah Mouse will be Mickey’s go to advice guy. Whether it’s about problems with Minnie, finances, or how much deli mustard to put on a pastrami sandwich, Micah will be there to help Mickey out.”

Reynolds said that Mikey and Micah Mouse will debut in the spring of 2015.

Royals Fan Promises World Peace with Win

Royals fan world peaceKANSAS CITY, MO — Bleacher Report yesterday wrote a heartwarming story about a Kansas City Royals fan being promised a puppy with a win against the Oakland A’s in Tuesday’s Wild Card game. What wasn’t reported was that the fan also promised to end all wars, hunger and violence with a Royal’s win on October 10th against the Baltimore Orioles.

“I’m calling it right now,” said the unknown fan/puppy promissory. “If the Royals win this Friday, I will usher in an era of world peace.”

The fan was asked how he would go about bringing peace and prosperity to a world plagued with war and strife, Ebola, ISIS, and Kanye West. The fan responded, “Well, you’ll just have to wait and see how the Royals do this Friday.”

While some people are calling the unnamed fan selfish, he has been met with reverence from Royals fans everywhere.

“You’d have to be a real ass to root for the Orioles Friday,” said Katie Jenkins, who has been a Royals fan since 1978, and who heard of the promise of world peace with a Royals victory. “What person, whose name doesn’t end with ‘Un,’ would root against world peace?”

When asked if she would still root for the Royals if an Orioles fan promised world peace with a victory, Jenkins responded, “Hell no! This is our year! Those Orioles can rot just like Baltimore in the 90’s.”