WILMINGTON, NC — Dr. Megan Irving of Wilmington, North Carolina has been a practicing gynecologist for the past fifteen years. While she is highly regarded in the medical field as one of the best gynecologists in North Carolina, her patients find it off-putting that she tends to speak only in rhyme.
“It’s pretty weird,” said Kathy Barnett, a patient of Dr. Irvings. “I went in for a regular check up and she asked, ‘How many sexual partners have you had, were their names Michael, James or maybe Chad?’ I answered that I had been with four people since my last checkup, and she replied, ‘Sounds like this case is open and shut, I’m just glad you’re not a slut.’ The experience was rather bizarre.”
Barnett was not alone in being uncomfortable with Dr. Irving’s rhyming ways. Lisa Carter went in to see Dr. Irving last week to talk about how best to go about having a child with her husband.
“Yeah, her style of speech made me very uncomfortable. After going through a fertility checkup, Dr. Irving came in and said, ‘I’m so happy you want to raise an adolescent, I’ve got good news, your vagina is just as hospitable as the fertile crescent.’ I mean it was good news, but I wish she would have just been straight forward.”
While Barnett and Carter each had their own individual experiences, most who come in actually hear Dr. Irving’s entire Mary Poppins-esque song about vaginal maintenance:
Welcome ladies, to Dr. Irvings Gynecology Practice.
We promise we won’t make your vagina feel like a cactus.
Instead, we’ll make your sacred area feel at ease,
So long as you dot all your i’s and cross all your t’s.
If you have pain or anguish in your nether-region,
Tell us, and we’ll treat your hoo-ha like the Garden of Eden.
Are you out and about and sexually active?
Let us prescribe some birth control so you can stay attractive.
When it comes to your vagina, don’t act like you’re in a coma,
Dr. Irving says, “take care of Human Papilloma!”
We hope that your appointment is both pleasant and quick,
After all, it’s not like we’re inspecting a dick.