BALTIMORE, MD — In the wake of Ray Rice’s domestic abuse scandal, and with Adrian Peterson’s impending child abuse allegations, the NFL is officially broaching subject matter that is impossible to joke about without looking like a huge asshole.
Saturday Night Live Executive Producer, Lorne Michaels, said, “With our 40th season of SNL coming up, we would’ve loved a light-hearted NFL drug scandal, or if it came out that Ray Rice has an over-the-top obsession with his feet. That would’ve been material we could have satirized, but domestic and child abuse, no thanks. I think we’ll stick to poking fun of political leaders’ weird sexual encounters.”
SNL isn’t the only comedic entity that is disappointed with the radical nature of the NFL scandals. Internet writers everywhere are at a loss for what to do with the violent acts that have fans in an outrage.
“I had an article titled, ‘Ray Rice Says He’s Just Bad at Giving Hugs,’ it was shot down, and I was told to clean out my desk,” said former Onion writer, Stan Saunders.
“Between the murder in the Middle East, war, and abuse, it’s hard for me to hear the laughter,” said Clickhole writer Janet Lampry. “I wrote an article called, ‘Blame the Tree Branches: an inside look at what’s really behind child abuse,’ and then ended up going home early, and watching Schindlers List while polishing of a quart of Walmart brand ice cream.”
Buzzfeed contributer, Laura Wilcox, said, “Here’s an article title, ’12 reasons why I want to die,’ here’s a clue, the NFL is 11 of them.”