Apple Unveils New iPoop

iPoopCUPERTINO, CA — Yesterday Apple unveiled the iPhone 6 and its highly anticipated smart watch to a crowd of enthusiastic viewers. One product that flew under the radar yesterday, was a new product that Apple has been developing for the past four years: The iPoop.

“The iPoop is a project that is near to my heart,” said Senior VP of Design, Jony Ive. “The iPoop is a toilet that seamlessly integrates the bathroom experience with Apple technology.”

The iPoop is designed to read the consistency of poop and give instant feedback to the user.

“We wanted something that would integrate seamlessly with someone who needed to know what exactly was in their poop. Are they exercising normally? Are they drinking enough water? Did they eat Chipotle recently? The iPoop can tell you all these things,” said Ive.

In addition to all the health aspects that Apple has recently put at the forefront of their designs, Ive said that the iPoop looks to solve one of the chief problems with pooping.

“We asked ourselves, ‘what is the most unpleasant part of a bowel movement?” and we all agreed that if we could get rid of cold toilet seats it would be a victory for mankind. Using seamless integration we installed a light sensor that recognizes when you are in the bathroom, and quickly heats up the toilet seat to a comfortable temperature.”

Ive also said that the new iPoop will feature third-party app capabilities.

“We decided that we wanted to make the iPoop not just a piece of hardware, but an actual experience, that’s why we used seamless integration with third party apps. When you dump one out, the iPoop will take a 3D image of your poop, send it immediately to your phone, and from there, you can Snapchat it to all of your friends.”

When asked if he could use one word to describe the iPoop, what would it be, Ive responded with, “Seamlessintegration.”

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