Man Not Concerned About Ebola, Continues With Trip To West Africa

ebola sight seeHARTFORD, CT — Robert Wilson grew up in the era where if you had a cut or an injury, you would pull yourself up and rub some dirt on it. In his 35-year career, he never once took a sick day. He had plans to visit West Africa in the coming weeks, and he’s not letting a recent outbreak of the Ebola Virus change his plans.

“When I was growing up, there was none of this mamby-pamby cold and flu medicine,” Wilson began. “You would just roll on out of bed, and if you felt bad then you just sucked on a lemon and got on back to work. Kids these days think if they got a little wheeze and a cough that they get to miss a week of school. Well guess what kid, ain’t no one feeling sorry for you.”

Wilson said his father instilled a sense of pride in him at a young age to never let being sick affect him.

“My dad was a rugged man. I remember the first time I was sick, and he just stood there yelling at me, and low and behold it scared the sickness right out of me. I’ve never been sick since.”

We asked Wilson if he knew about the extreme dangers of contracting the Ebola virus and he replied, “There ain’t nothing a little whiskey and hot water can’t fix.”

We told him that was entirely inaccurate, but Wilson told us that we were “just like those ninny school boys who cry every time they stub their toe.”

Wilson plans to head to Nigeria to “sight-see” next week.

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27-Year-Old Perfects New Condom Buying Strategy

Man buys condomsINDIANAPOLIS, IN – Last week 27-year-old, Jacob Reynolds, went into his local grocery store to pick up a box of condoms. As he was approaching the checkout line, his regular grocery visit turned into what he describes as an “awkward fiasco.”

“I was approached by my girlfriend’s mother,” said Reynolds. “I tried to hide my grocery basket behind my back, but in the middle of our conversation she asked what I was buying. I tried to tell her I was just getting the usual items, but she peered around and saw the box of Trojan “Ecstacy” condoms. We didn’t speak for what seemed like an eternity before I started walking away quickly, saying, “well, we’ll see ya!” She just stood there looking disappointed.”

Reynolds said his awkward encounter continued at the cash register.

“After the cashier scanned my box of condoms, he said, ‘That’ll be $14 dollars for the lucky guy!’ and gave me a slow wink.”

Since his encounter Reynolds has made sure that he never buys only condoms when he goes to the grocery store.

“I started buying some cheap snack food and fruit that I can put on top of the condoms to hide them. I also try to go to the self checkout whenever possible. If I can’t, then I make sure I put the condoms directly in front of a weird produce item like a Starfruit or Sugar Cane, so that the focus is on the strange food and not my sex life.”

Reynolds said that while he has accumulated an excess of bizarre produce items because of his new condom buying strategy, his mental state has dramatically improved.

“I’ll go buy condoms at noon on a Sunday after church,” Reynolds bragged. “That’s how confident I am in my new strategy.”

After Years Of Waiting, Backup Referee Finally Gets In Game

back up refMORGANTOWN, WV — Alex Burke has been trying to be a college football referee for as long as he can remember. After working his way through the middle school and high school ranks, he was finally offered a position as a backup on a college football refereeing squad.

“It was a dream come true,” said Burke “I felt like I had finally made it. I was going to be living my dream of being a college football ref. I’d finally be making a difference.”

Burke said that while he was initially happy, he soon became frustrated.

“I was hired back in 2004, and have been riding the bench ever since. I had dreams of a lucrative career, you know, really making a name for myself; a major holding call here, a defensive pass interference call there. I thought I might even get to call a safety.”

His disappointment changed this weekend when back judge, Mark Reynolds, went down after being gingerly grazed by a lineman.

“Obviously, you hate to see a fellow referee go down,” said Burke, “but I couldn’t help feel like I was finally about to get my chance.”

Burke was right. Reynolds lied on the ground for no less than 20 minutes, and was carted off the field while giving a thumbs up to the stadium. Burke was then brought in as the substitute back judge.

“I was nervous, excited, and a little gassy. There were just so many emotions, I could barely handle it.”

Burke’s first flag came in the second quarter, during a pass play.

“The left tackle was grabbing the defensive end’s jersey and I knew it was my time to shine. I reached in my back pocket, pulled my flag, and I threw it what felt like five feet. It was exhilarating.”

Head linesman, Bob Gray, was emphatic that Burke made a good decision, saying, “Yeah, he made a good call.”

The rest of the game Burke was everywhere, throwing flags left and right, sometimes for penalties that he had no business calling, but that didn’t stop Burke from living out his dream.

“Next to the birth of my first child, this day stands as the greatest day of my life. I’ll never forget my night in Morgantown, West Virginia.”

Intense Salesmen has No Idea How To Talk To Toddler

Toddler SalesmanCHARLESTON, SC — Last week a local real estate salesman and business investor,  Bob Noble, attended a barbecue with friends and family from out of town. Since a young age Bob has always been a salesman at heart, and lately he’s been having a hard time discerning business from friends.

“Bob is really invested in his job, so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when he started a sales pitch with our toddler,” said Jane Miles, an acquaintance of Bob’s.

Bob started talking to three-year-old, Trevor Miles, asking, “Trevor, do you like golf?” Bob then chuckled to himself, “Of course you do! Who doesn’t like golf? Well what if I told you that you could golf anytime you wanted without the time constraints that you would have with a full time job? Would that be something you would be interested in?”

“It was a little sad,” said Trevor’s dad, Ron Miles. “He just can’t separate work from actual relationships anymore.”

Bob continued with his pitch while Trevor played with bubbles, “Trevor, I like you. I can tell your a no bullshit kind of guy, so I’m going to level with you. I don’t do this for everyone, but I have a great opportunity that you’re going to love.”

Bob then whipped out his iPad mini and provided a presentation for an elaborate pyramid/profit share scheme while Trevor tried on funny hats that he found in his toy box.

After his hard sell Bob then said, “All we need from you Trevor,” while making intense eye contact, “is a $300 start up fee. You have a college fund don’t you big guy? Well let me ask you this? Why go to college and learn from a bunch of washed up professors, when you can start making money today?”

At that point Jane Miles came over, picked up her son and said, “You’re sick Bob. You’re sick.”

Bob was then asked to leave the party.

 

Rhyming Gynecologist Rubs Patients The Wrong Way

Rhyming GynecologistWILMINGTON, NC — Dr. Megan Irving of Wilmington, North Carolina has been a practicing gynecologist for the past fifteen years. While she is highly regarded in the medical field as one of the best gynecologists in North Carolina, her patients find it off-putting that she tends to speak only in rhyme.

“It’s pretty weird,” said Kathy Barnett, a patient of Dr. Irvings. “I went in for a regular check up and she asked, ‘How many sexual partners have you had, were their names Michael, James or maybe Chad?’ I answered that I had been with four people since my last checkup, and she replied, ‘Sounds like this case is open and shut, I’m just glad you’re not a slut.’ The experience was rather bizarre.”

Barnett was not alone in being uncomfortable with Dr. Irving’s rhyming ways. Lisa Carter went in to see Dr. Irving last week to talk about how best to go about having a child with her husband.

“Yeah, her style of speech made me very uncomfortable. After going through a fertility checkup, Dr. Irving came in and said, ‘I’m so happy you want to raise an adolescent, I’ve got good news, your vagina is just as hospitable as the fertile crescent.’ I mean it was good news, but I wish she would have just been straight forward.”

While Barnett and Carter each had their own individual experiences, most who come in actually hear Dr. Irving’s entire Mary Poppins-esque song about vaginal maintenance:

Welcome ladies, to Dr. Irvings Gynecology Practice.
We promise we won’t make your vagina feel like a cactus.
Instead, we’ll make your sacred area feel at ease,
So long as you dot all your i’s and cross all your t’s.
If you have pain or anguish in your nether-region,
Tell us, and we’ll treat your hoo-ha like the Garden of Eden.
Are you out and about and sexually active?
Let us prescribe some birth control so you can stay attractive.
When it comes to your vagina, don’t act like you’re in a coma,
Dr. Irving says, “take care of Human Papilloma!”
We hope that your appointment is both pleasant and quick,
After all, it’s not like we’re inspecting a dick.

NFL Broaching Subjects that are Entirely Off Limits to Joke About

NFLBALTIMORE, MD — In the wake of Ray Rice’s domestic abuse scandal, and with Adrian Peterson’s impending child abuse allegations, the NFL is officially broaching subject matter that is impossible to joke about without looking like a huge asshole.

Saturday Night Live Executive Producer, Lorne Michaels, said, “With our 40th season of SNL coming up, we would’ve loved a light-hearted NFL drug scandal, or if it came out that Ray Rice has an over-the-top obsession with his feet. That would’ve been material we could have satirized, but domestic and child abuse, no thanks. I think we’ll stick to poking fun of political leaders’ weird sexual encounters.”

SNL isn’t the only comedic entity that is disappointed with the radical nature of the NFL scandals. Internet writers everywhere are at a loss for what to do with the violent acts that have fans in an outrage.

“I had an article titled, ‘Ray Rice Says He’s Just Bad at Giving Hugs,’ it was shot down, and I was told to clean out my desk,” said former Onion writer, Stan Saunders.

“Between the murder in the Middle East, war, and abuse, it’s hard for me to hear the laughter,” said Clickhole writer Janet Lampry. “I wrote an article called, ‘Blame the Tree Branches: an inside look at what’s really behind child abuse,’ and then ended up going home early, and watching Schindlers List while polishing of a quart of Walmart brand ice cream.”

Buzzfeed contributer, Laura Wilcox, said, “Here’s an article title, ’12 reasons why I want to die,’ here’s a clue, the NFL is 11 of them.”

REPORT: College Student Says Roommate is Not Who He Thought He Was

weird roommateOXFORD, OH — Miami University freshman, John McAfee, says that after three weeks of being in college his college roommate was not who he thought he was.

“When I first got to into Miami and got my room assignment, I did the typical ‘get-to-know your roommate’ activities,” said McAfee. “We Facebook messaged and talked about what we would bring for the room, and everything seemed like it was going well.”

It wasn’t until the first week of college that McAfee felt like his roommate wasn’t exactly who he thought he would be.

“Ryan[McAfee’s roommate] said he was going to bring a rug, and instead brought a tiny bathmat for the middle of our room, and he asked me to take my shoes off before I step on it.”

In the following weeks, McAfee said Ryan developed unusual tendencies.

“He would stay up until 4 or 5 a.m. every night making shadow animals against his side of the wall, using the clip-on lamp attached to his bed. He would laugh out loud any time he came up with a new animal.”

McAfee said it has also been hard to find alone time with Ryan always being in their room.

“He watches TNT dramas all the time. And I mean that in the most literal sense. When he wakes up at 9 am, he turns on Burn Notice. During lunch, he watches Dallas, and then from 3-6 pm he hops in bed with a Chicken Caesar Salad and turns on Charmed, for what he calls, ‘Ryan’s Witchy Marathon.'”

McAfee said while he’s contemplated switching rooms, he doesn’t have any plans to leave just yet.

“What would I say? I want to switch roommates because mine is weird as f***? I don’t think I can do that. I think I’ll just stick it out a little longer, but if he keeps waiting inside the door for me to get back from class so he can show me “neat” leaves and dead bugs he found outside then I think we’re going to have a problem.”

Barack Obama Says Presidency is The Best Weight Loss Program Ever

obama weight lossWASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama today announced that of all the weight loss programs he’s tried, being president is far away and the most effective.

“Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, hell, even diet supplements can’t hold a flame to being President.”

President Obama has said the recent stress of being president has caused his weight to dramatically drop.

“When I entered office back in 2008, I was pushing 200 lbs, and while I looked good, I wasn’t too proud to take my shirt off. After trying to figure out Tea Party Republicans, the problems in the Middle East, our Immigration policies, and dealing with a miserable approval rating, I can proudly say  that I have lost upwards of 50-60 lbs without even trying,” said President Obama.

President Obama said that while he now has to deal with gray hair, and he can’t keep his right hand from shaking, he feels great anytime he visits a pool.

“And don’t even get me started on my sleep patterns,” said the President. “Michelle can attest, I use to sleep until lunch time. But with my new nighttime terrors — thanks ISIS — you won’t find me getting more than 4-5 hours of sleep, max.”

President Obama says after his presidency is over he intends to try and stay on his presidential weight plan, but doesn’t think it will compare to having both Republicans and Democrats second guessing every move he makes.

“I have a feeling that when I end my presidency, I will probably put some pounds back on, but hopefully with Sasha and Malia entering their teen and college years, I will have just enough pressure to keep me from falling into my old, stress-free ways.”

The President then offered a new, personal motto:

“Can I keep my weight down? Yes. I. Can.”

Apple Unveils New iPoop

iPoopCUPERTINO, CA — Yesterday Apple unveiled the iPhone 6 and its highly anticipated smart watch to a crowd of enthusiastic viewers. One product that flew under the radar yesterday, was a new product that Apple has been developing for the past four years: The iPoop.

“The iPoop is a project that is near to my heart,” said Senior VP of Design, Jony Ive. “The iPoop is a toilet that seamlessly integrates the bathroom experience with Apple technology.”

The iPoop is designed to read the consistency of poop and give instant feedback to the user.

“We wanted something that would integrate seamlessly with someone who needed to know what exactly was in their poop. Are they exercising normally? Are they drinking enough water? Did they eat Chipotle recently? The iPoop can tell you all these things,” said Ive.

In addition to all the health aspects that Apple has recently put at the forefront of their designs, Ive said that the iPoop looks to solve one of the chief problems with pooping.

“We asked ourselves, ‘what is the most unpleasant part of a bowel movement?” and we all agreed that if we could get rid of cold toilet seats it would be a victory for mankind. Using seamless integration we installed a light sensor that recognizes when you are in the bathroom, and quickly heats up the toilet seat to a comfortable temperature.”

Ive also said that the new iPoop will feature third-party app capabilities.

“We decided that we wanted to make the iPoop not just a piece of hardware, but an actual experience, that’s why we used seamless integration with third party apps. When you dump one out, the iPoop will take a 3D image of your poop, send it immediately to your phone, and from there, you can Snapchat it to all of your friends.”

When asked if he could use one word to describe the iPoop, what would it be, Ive responded with, “Seamlessintegration.”

Fantasy Football Returns to Ruin Families’ Lives

Fantasy FootballBIRMINGHAM, AL — This past weekend saw the return of NFL games, and with it, the excitement that has exploded in large part due to the increasing popularity of fantasy football. Now, instead of rooting for a favorite team, fans can root for single players to succeed, while simultaneously rooting for other players to  gruesomely blow out their knees, ending their seasons.

Local man Todd Stevens has marked 2014 as his year to win his annual fantasy football league. After studying meticulously during his workday, and spending more time following fantasy analysts on Twitter than with his wife and family, he says that he is in prime position to win this year.

“2014 is the year of Todd,” said Stevens. “Nothing can go wrong. I had the first pick in this years draft, and you better believe that ‘The Fighting Todds’ are out for blood.”

Stevens said after going 2-11 in his league last year, he has changed his preseason routine.

“I usually head into work around 5:30 am, my work actually starts at 9:00, but I want to make sure that I put in a lot of time getting up to date news on the latest fantasy scoop, and making all sorts of lineup variations. From 9:00-9:30 I put in a good solid half hour worth of work, and the rest of the day I’m on ESPN or talking to my framed portrait of fantasy football expert, Matthew Berry, that I keep on my desk.”

Stevens said that when he arrives home from work, he puts his kids to bed promptly at 6:00 pm, saying “Daddy can’t play right now, he has more important things to do.”

“I’ve told him multiple times that he is letting a game not only interfere with his work life, but also with his family,” said Stevens’ wife Kristi. “He barely sees his kids and hasn’t been intimate with me since the NFL Draft in May.”

Kristi has reportedly told Todd recently that if he doesn’t curb his new lifestyle that she will take the kids and leave him.

“I hoped that would hit Todd pretty hard, but he didn’t even flinch. Then I realized he wasn’t listening to me. He had his head phones in and was listening to a fantasy football Podcast with Matthew Berry.”