Man Cancels Amazon Account After Daily Deals Become Too Personal

Amazon_logoGREENSBORO, N.C. – Local man, Walt Jenkins, has made recent claims that Amazon, the world’s largest online marketplace, has gotten to know him a little too well.

“I have an account on Amazon, and receive emails with daily deals,” said Jenkins. “At first, the recommendations were pretty standard – eight dollar Blu-rays, best-selling books, miscellaneous electronics.”

“But then they started sending local deals based on my address. Discounts at local restaurants, massage centers, and nearby getaways,” Jenkins explained. “Still, I found these pretty convenient and useful.”

According to Jenkins, the personalization didn’t stop there, though.

“Out of nowhere, the recommendations became oddly accurate,” said Jenkins. “For instance, I was telling my mom on the phone that I should start doing yoga, and the next day, Amazon recommended yoga mats and instructional DVDs.”

“A week later, I went to the doctor to get, well, a hemorrhoid looked at, and wouldn’t you know, Amazon sends me a deal on hemorrhoid pillows,” said Jenkins, frustrated. “I did end up buying a pillow, because the deal was pretty good.”

Jenkins explained that it was not only the recommendations that started getting personal, either.

“All of the emails start off with ‘Get deals tailored just for you,’ but lately they’ve added a winky-face emoticon.”

For Jenkins, the final straw came last week. “The deals seemed to be getting less personal, as if they knew I was on to them,” said Jenkins. “Then, they sent me a deal on ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ books. I didn’t even know my wife was pregnant! Somehow, Amazon did.”

Jenkins has since deleted his Amazon account, and now lives in a constant state of fear and paranoia.

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Restaurant Goes Green, Hires 80-Year-Old Men

restaurant goes greenOMAHA, NE — A local restaurant, Sal’s Diner, decided to make their establishment a little more environmentally friendly this week, by getting rid of paper towels and napkins, as well as bathroom hand dryers. The restaurant has instead, enlisted the help of two 80-year-old volunteers.

“The idea was pitched to us by a member of our wait staff,” said owner, Salvatore Parsons. “and we thought it would be a good move for us, as ‘going green’ is always looked at favorably by the community.”

Parsons said they enlisted the help of two men, Glenn Curry and Bob Cook to replace the napkins and hand dryers.

“Bob is the heart and soul of the operation. We usually throw him in the back near the bathroom, and just have him blow hands of anyone who needs their hands dried,” said Parsons. “As for Glenn, we put a big smock on him and tell our customers that if they ever get food on their hands or mouth, to motion for Glenn to come over, and just wipe that food right on the big guy.”

Parsons said his customers had to get used to the idea of using retiree’s as towels, but eventually his patrons began to love Bob and Glenn.

“Was it weird at first? Sure,” said customer Bill Waters, “But you know, when Bob really gets after it, he can rival just about any hand dryer on the market before 1970. The key is to get the son of a bitch take a deep breath,” chuckled Waters. “And as for Glenn, it might take him a few minutes to realize who’s calling his name, but once he figures it out, he’ll hobble his way over to your table in no time.”

Parson’s said that Sal’s has saved over $100 dollars, since “going green,” back in October of 2012.

 

 

 

 

NFL Preseason Football Gets Fans Luke Warm with Excitement

NFL PreseasonLast weekend capped off the first week of preseason football games, and with it, all the excitement of football being back. In fact, fans spoke out about how thrilled they were to see their favorite teams up suit up and get back on the field.

“I get to see a bunch of players vying for practice squad spots, I guess,” said NFL fan, Chris Casan. “Preseason football is like the Columbus Day of spectator sports, it’s just kind of there and no one gets off work.”

During the first 16 preseason  games, a whopping 12 were decided by 6 points or less. That accounts for more close games than in any single week of last year’s regular season.

“The games are probably close because no team cares if they win or lose, ” said Trip Bagwell, another NFL fan. “They just want to make sure the game doesn’t go to overtime.”

The return of full, four quarter football games has people buzzing, “I got caught in traffic and missed the first 5 minutes of the game, and by the time I turned on the TV, Drew Brees was already standing on the sideline with his hands in his  pockets,” said Bagwell.

In addition to star-studded players wandering the sidelines and providing answers to hard-nosed questions like “What do you think your team’s ceiling is this year?” fans will be able to watch players from schools like Middle Tennessee State and Louisiana-Lafayette return punts for five yards.

“To be honest, I’d rather watch professional Bocce Ball or Women’s Pole Vaulting,” said Casan “I don’t really care to see a third string no-name throw thirteen incompletions.”

NASA Close To Finding Annoying Neighbors On Other Planets

NeighborsHOUSTON, TX — NASA announced today that they the could be on the brink of discovering life forms on nearby planets that would serve as Earth’s annoying neighbors.

“This is an incredibly exciting time,” said NASA Chief of Space Operations, Lisa Garvey, “We are close to being able to say, with authority, that we have found people on other planets who will ask to borrow our shovels and not return them.”

Garvey said that she hopes to not only find lone obnoxious neighbors, but whole families who will invite themselves over at the most inopportune time, and completely overstay their welcome.

“Clear out your refrigerators, because these new neighbors are bound to deliver a few over sized casseroles once they are discovered,” said Garvey emphatically, “and don’t forget about the rock-hard Christmas cookies, and grainy fudge sauce that will inevitably be headed our way as well.”

Garvey said that she predicts NASA will be able to discover not just planets containing irritating neighbors, but potentially planets with college-aged kids who play their music too loud.

“The possibilities seem endless, and we at NASA are thrilled with this potential discovery,” said Garvey. “After all who wouldn’t want more neighbors!?”

NBC Plans Mid Fall Lineup, Predicting Inevitable Fail of Fall Lineup

NBC Fall ShowsNEW YORK, NY — NBC announced today that it has scheduled four new shows that will air mid-fall, following their expectations that most of their new fall shows will fail.

“We took a shot, and if history has taught us anything, it’s that we’re probably going to miss on the majority of our new premiers,” said CEO Steve Burke.

With new shows like State of Affairs, Marry Me, and Bad Judge, NBC looks to add a whole new lineup of shows that will inevitably be canceled mid-season.

“People are not stupid,” said Burke. “They know that we were the ones who put shows like 1600 Penn, and Guys With Kids on the air. I don’t know if anyone saw those shows, but they provided simply miserable television.”

Among the shows scheduled to replace NBC’s new fall line up are hospital comedy, “Where’s My Colon?” and police drama, “Fort Wayne Five-O.”

“We also tested a reality show called Watercolor America, that penned top Watercolor artists against each other, as well as a sitcom revolving around a Mexican golfer called, Hole in Juan. ” said Burke. “Of the comments we received, people said that ‘these shows are unwatchable,’ ‘If there was a window in the room where I watched those shows, I would have jumped out of it,’ and ‘Ice T wouldn’t even agree to do these shows.'”

As we left, Burke could be heard audibly crying, while saying, “Why can’t we bring back Friends?” over and over again.

Recent College Grad Not Sure if She Should Order Her Ninth Drink

recent college grad drinkingCHICAGO, IL — Elizabeth Yapp, who just graduated from college, is on the fence about whether or not to order her ninth drink of the night. Ever since moving to Chicago in February, Yapp has not been sure if she should drink like a college student or a young professional.

Throughout her college career, Yapp would always err on the side of fun – and totally drink more. But ever since starting her first full-time job, she has been hesitant about her drinking habits.

“I meet all of these young professionals at the bars and they only have one or two drinks, then they leave and go home,” explained Yapp in disbelief. “I always wonder if I should do the same.”

Yapp, who has always gone by Lizzy, but has since changed her name to Elizabeth to seem more professional, tried the two drink approach last week. “It was boring as hell,” stated Yapp, “and I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”

Frustrated by her fellow young professional’s drinking habits, Yapp decided to attempt to find a happy balance between the two lifestyles. “It’s just really hard,” said Yapp. “Getting drunk is just so freaking fun”.

Yapp’s co-worker and friend, Alyssa Cooper, is fed up with her drunken, young professional friend. “It’s absurd, really,” said Cooper. “She binge drinks all night, acting super obnoxious, and then wakes up the following day at a reasonable hour and works on her resume.”

“When she blacks out she yells things like, ‘I own this city’, ‘I can get as drunk as I want,’ ‘we have interns for a reason’, and ‘I’d totally french my boss,’” said Cooper.

While ordering her ninth drink of the night, Yapp was explaining to her friends, “[I’m] really not that drunk. I just need one more drink. Then we can go.”

Man Bad At Buzzfeed Lists

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Michael Harper often frequents the popular website Buzzfeed. He loves the lists with pictures, and witty captions like “14 things that only 90’s children will understand.” Harper decided to try and create a fun list of his own, but unfortunately for him, it was completely terrible.

“I thought it would be easy, but it turns out coming up with a list and pictures is more difficult than I thought,” said Harper. “With how much I love Buzzfeed, I figured I could just hop in and start making list after list.”

Harper’s list titled, “5 Reasons You Should Love Ice Cream,” has received very few views, and people who have viewed his list have said things like, “I hope this person is a seven year old, otherwise they should go kill themself.”

You can view Harper’s Buzzfeed list below:

5 Reasons You Should Love Ice Cream

Chocolate Ice Cream1. Ice cream comes in flavors like chocolate and vanillia

Ice cream comes in awesome flavors like chocolate and vanilla. It probably comes in more flavors too, or maybe you can combine chocolate and vanilla to make your own flavor! Ice cream is neat.

 

 

Ice Cream 22. Ice cream spelled backwards is Maerc Eci.

If you say “ice cream” backwards, it’s pronounced Maerc Eci. That’s so crazy! Maerc Eci. It sounds like a Game of Thrones character.

 

ice cream list3. Ice cream is the perfect temperature

Actually, it’s pretty cold when you first start eating it. If you bite into it, it really hurts your bottom teeth, and if you eat it too fast, you can get a brain freeze. Then when it warms up, it starts melting and gets on your hands. I guess this isn’t a real good reason.

ice cream list4. You can eat ice cream after dinner

Can you eat ice cream all the time? No! But you can eat a reasonable amount after dinner. Don’t over do it though, or you’ll get a stomach ache or diabetes.

 

 

ice cream truck5. Ice cream trucks are a great way to make friends

When the ice cream truck comes, you can go and make friends. Yesterday, I made 12 new friends, including the driver. He asked me if I was too old to be buying ice cream from a truck and I just laughed at his new joke.

SPORTS: Minnesota Vikings Retire Favre’s Jersey before Green Bay has the Chance

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The decision was made late last night that the Green Bay Packers will be inducting Brett Favre into their hall of fame, and retiring his iconic #4 jersey.

“Favre is one of the best quarterbacks our franchise has ever had, or the NFL has ever had, for that matter,” said Packers president and CEO, Mark Murphy. “You cannot think about the Green Bay Packers without thinking about Brett Favre, or vice versa.”

However, without making any announcements or telling anyone, the Minnesota Vikings retired Favre’s jersey this morning. Favre played for the Vikings during the 2009 season when they made it to the NFC Championship game, and the 2010 season until he ultimately got injured and forced into re-re-re-retirement.

Now that the word is out, Vikings owner Zygi Wilf has issued the following statement regarding the team’s decision to retire Favre’s number:

“Favre is one of the best quarterbacks our franchise has ever had, or the NFL has ever had, for that matter. You cannot think about the Minnesota Vikings without thinking about Brett Favre, or vice versa. Although his legacy is largely built from his 16 seasons with the Green Bay Packers, it is worth noting that he had one of his finest statistical seasons in 2009 playing for the Minnesota Vikings. It is a season that Vikings nation will never forget, and thus our best course of action was to retire Favre’s jersey and put it on display for all Vikings fans to see. We are proud to be the first team to retire the number four from our organization.”

During his 2009 season in Minnesota, Favre had the highest completion percentage of his career at 68.4%, and the highest quarterback rating of his career at 107.2. He also set the NFL record for individual mentions on Sportcenter at 4,374 in a season, roughly two mentions per episode.

Only recently told about this decision, Brett Favre expressed his appreciation.

“I want to thank the Minnesota Vikings. Maybe one of these days I’ll take the jersey out of retirement myself so I can put it back on and get back out there. Just kidding,” said Favre in a tone that made it sound like he might not be kidding.

Man Mistakes August 1st for April Fools’ Day

August FoolsPOUGHKEEPSIE, NY — Michael Graham began today by calling his wife and asking for a divorce. While she searched for words to respond to her husband, Graham shouted, “August Fools’!” and hang up the phone. Since then, Graham has been a tirade of unwarranted pranks, clearly getting August mixed up with April.

“I tried to call him back and tell him August Fools’ isn’t a thing,” said Graham’s wife, Lorie. “But he didn’t pick up.”

Graham then when after his kids. He told his daughter she needed to lose weight, and told his son that his pet turtle ran away.

“I got them good,” said Graham, while both of his children were in tears.

After arriving at work, he ran into coworker, Bill Davis, and told him, “Hey Bill! I’ve been sleeping with your wife! Ha Ha, August Fools’!”

Bill said he didn’t know if Graham was joking, or if it was some sort of twisted way to tell him about the affair.

Graham then marched into his bosses office, and told him he’d been embezzling money for years, and the company was about to face a major lawsuit. He then left the room briefly before returning and shouting, “August Fools’!”

Graham’s day mellowed until around 1:00 pm, when he opened a window and stood on a ledge outside his four-story office. He began shouting that he was going to jump, and that his life was empty and meaningless. The fire department and the police were called, as well as a local news station. After being talked down, Graham popped his head out of the window and shouted, “August Fools’!” while grinning like an idiot.

Soon after responders left, Graham’s wife finally got a hold of him to explain that August Fools’, unlike April Fools’, was not a real thing. Embarrassed, Graham reflected on all that he had done today.

While his behavior would only be slightly less appalling on April Fools’ Day, it’s safe to say that Michael Graham burned a few bridges.