WASHINGTON, DC — In an unprecedented move this afternoon, President Obama said he was going to crush the militant group known as ISIS by using Time Warner Cable’s customer service. The President said he can think of no greater weapon than having to deal with Time Warner Cable’s atrocious wait times, and poorly managed phone representatives.
“Strategically, it makes sense,” said President Obama. “Sure, we could put troops on the ground, order hundreds of airstrikes, but when all we really need to do is wear this evil group down, Time Warner Cable is our best option.”
In addition to immobilizing ISIS for upwards of 3-5 hours at a time while they wait for someone to get back to them, The President predicts that internal fighting will occur within ISIS as they badger each other about why their bills have increased $50 every year.
“We expect battle fatigue to set in after their cable package nearly doubles every month with the addition of premium channels they didn’t subscribe to. And we can’t wait for them to have to deal with a heavy-breather from customer service, who was poorly trained and continually tries to upsell them no matter what. It will be a completely new type of hell.”
The President also suggests that if these war criminals have any sort of affinity for sports, they will agonize over Time Warner Cable blacking out whatever games they are most eager to watch.
When asked about this new strategic plan, President Obama responded, “If anyone deserves to deal with Time Warner Cable, it’s these sons of bitches.”