ASHEVILLE, NC — When we last heard from Derek Loy, he had given up his Hipsterdom and gone back to a more mainstream lifestyle. So when we caught up with him recently, we expected Loy to be gearing up for a fantasy football league, or hanging out with his buddies at the local Applebee’s. What we found out, though, was rather startling.
“There was a bit of an incident recently,” said Loy in the dark of his basement. “I was over at a friend’s house, having a classic, American barbecue. I asked my buddy for a beer, and he handed a Triple IPA from a local craft brewery. I immediately shuddered, and asked if he had anything else, but he said it was on sale and didn’t get anything else. As soon as the hops hit my lips, something happened.”
Loy said he became visibly agitated with his surroundings at that point.
“All of a sudden, I was a different person. I yelled at my friend for not providing any vegan options at the cookout, and told him that with all the beef he was grilling, he may as well douse his lawn in motor oil and light it aflame to speed up his environmental destruction,” said Loy
“In a rage, I went to the nearest local outdoor outfitter and bought a harness, some leads and some rope, and headed off to the nearest rock-face I could find. By the time I realized what I was doing, I was halfway up Chimney Rock.”
Loy said his girlfriend found him two days later a few miles off the Blue Ridge Parkway, making Pine Needle tea.
“I was in a dark place. Some of it I don’t even remember, but I know I was part of at least one, possibly five, drum circles. And I went to an anti-fracking rally, where fracking wasn’t even discussed.”
Loy said his girlfriend’s intervention saved him from a permanent relapse.
“She’s a saint. When she first tried to intervene, I gave her a mouthful about her working for a large corporation and buying the poison that is white bread from the grocery store, but she stuck with me until I came out of it.
Since then, we’ve had a strict policy regarding my behavior: under no circumstance am I to buy any tight-fitting clothing. I can no longer spend hours during the night scouring Pitchfork for new music, and I had to get rid of my A-frame glasses.”
Loy seems to be in good spirits since his relapse, and has been gradually returning to normal.
“I mowed the lawn the other day on my riding mower, while drinking a Budweiser and proceeded to eat a whole bag of Totino’s pizza rolls. Life is good.”