BOSTON, MA — A new study was announced today out of Northeastern University that found that a person’s personality and appearance makes absolutely no difference, as long as that person knows how to play a guitar. Professor Mark Hawkey lead the study and shared his findings with us.
“We put two subjects in a room: one who was traditionally attractive — tall with distinguished features, dressed in a suit. The other subject was short, with greasy long hair, and wearing clothes we bought from a thrift store — and not a trendy, vintage-style thrift store.”
“The first subject couldn’t strum the tune ‘Row, Row, Row your Boat’ if his life depended on it, while the second subject was an above-average guitar player. So, we had him sing and play the song, ‘Jumper’ by Third Eye Blind in front of our sample audience of high school and college-aged women,” said Hawkey.
“The women were initially attracted to the man in the suit, but the second our guitarist started singing and playing, the women immediately ditched the suited subject and started swooning around the guitarist.”
“We thought the correlation needed further examination, so we tried to make the guitarist even more unappealing by having him not shower, shave only one side of his face, and put on a repulsing fake-fur newsboy cap we found at the thrift store. We then asked him to play ‘Little Lion Man,’ by Mumford and Sons.”
Once again, Professor Hawkey said the women were disgusted by the guitarist until he started playing and singing, at which point they totally ignored the well-dressed, attractive subject.
We asked one of the audience participants what she liked about the odor-ridden, heinous-looking guitarist and she replied, “You could tell he was just edgy, and I knew that song was totally about me.”